From the time she started dating Prince William up to now, Kate Middleton's life has been pretty glamorous — at least that's the way it seems, right? The amazing clothes, the cruise ship christenings, the pretty gosh darn amazing wedding (that the whole world watched). My life? Well, I'm a mom, so there are plenty of things that I do, see and handle on a daily basis that are the exact opposite of glamorous. And some of them are inescapable for Kate now that she's made the transition to motherhood.
1. Chapped nipples.
Yup, sorry Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, you're (allegedly) breastfeeding, which means your boobs are likely to take a bit of a beating in the beginning. Invest in some nipple cream and tough it out (as long as it's not actual pain — then talk to a lactation consultant) — your nips will get used to all that sucking.
2. Postpartum bleeding and possibly hemorrhoids.
You read the pregnancy books, so you know they can happen, but nothing truly prepares a first-time mom for the gross and uncomfortable symptoms of the postpartum period. Newsflash: Yes, you will bleed, kind of like a period but way longer. And if you're pushing your baby out, you might get hemorrhoids, even if you didn't have them while pregnant. Also, the nurses at the hospital will give you a squeeze bottle, so you can squirt your lady parts every time you pee, to take the sting away. Relax. It's temporary.
3. The bitchiness of the baby blues.
Kate and William seem like such a nice, respectful couple, but Wills better brace himself for some not-so-nice comments being thrown his way. Remember, Prince W., it's the sleep deprivation and the hormones talking. Kate, I don't think it ever gets easy, but you'll get used to your life being chaotic and your hormones will re-balance eventually.
4. Hanging out in a strange place with a breast pump.
I know Kate doesn't have to rush back to work like a lot of moms do, but when is she going to start getting pressured to wave her royal hand at events again? That might mean finding lots of random places for her to pump.
5. Projectile spit-up, poop or both.
Yes, both spit-up and poop can make their way across a room, straight from a tiny person's body — and it doesn't matter if said room is in a palace. I don't know how how it's physically possible, but luckily Kate can afford plenty of baby wipes.
6. Skipping a shower — for days on end.
There's something (maybe instinctual?) that happens with new moms, where they don't want to leave their babies for a second. And somehow, you find something to do to eat up every single moment of the day, including those you would normally use to get clean. Sure, Kate has access to plenty of people who can watch the baby, but she says she won't have a nanny, so maybe she'll try to do it all herself.
7. Painful and awkward postpartum sex.
Getting back in the sack after baby usually isn't a picnic. In fact, it can be downright painful, and lots of new moms dread it. After all, there's lots of healing that needs to be done first, and many new moms feel, um, dry down there. Yup, the princess may need a royal errand runner to buy her some lube. How's that for embarrassing?
8. Being so sleep-deprived you put the crackers in the freezer and the breast milk in the cupboard (or do something even weirder).
Everyone knows that new moms are tired — but weeks of getting no more than 2 or 3 hours of sleep at a time can really mess with your mental state.
9. Collecting someone else's chewed food in the palm of your hand.
When Kate's baby isn't a baby anymore, the gross stuff won't end. Since my child started eating solid foods, I've had to collect disgusting stuff in my hands more times than I care to admit.
10. Strong-arming a kid into a car seat.
Almost every baby goes through a phase where he doesn't want to be strapped into his car seat. A very small human being can be unbelievably strong during a tantrum. And Kate will find out just how strong.
11. Crayon and marker in the strangest places possible.
You think you've placed all the writing instruments where the kid can't get to them, but surprise! The cream settee that's been in the royal family for generations suddenly has DOG written on it in marker. Hey, at least the heir to the throne learned to spell.
What has been your least princess-like moment as a mom?