The Carrie Bradshaw...of Mom's!
Once Upon A Time... I had this dream of never having children. Nope, I was gonna be the one who traveled the world, partied, dated lots and shopped, shopped, shopped. At 20, I had traveled the world, gotten all the partying out of my system and had settled down into married life. I was in college taking 'Fashion Design" and living it up in a different way. After my Divorce, I resumed my lifestyle. I dated, partied, traveled and shopped. I moved about 6 times and made lots of new friends. I went back to college, got another diploma in "Floral Design" and settled down into Engagement life. After the Break-Up, I once more took up where I left off. (Are we seeing a pattern here yet?) Except this time, when I came back, the world had changed... Now everybody I once confided in, hung out with, traveled, shopped and partied with....had...kids! Having children had become the latest trend and subsequently the newest and coolest thing to shop for! I pulled myself higher up in my heels and scoffed at them. "Well not me. No siree. No kids for me!" Famous last words. I had a Miscarriage back in 2007 when I was 23 and the trauma had secretly scarred me for life. Not only did I become convinced that it would be nearly impossible to have children, but it also cemented my belief in not having them at all. When I turned 27 I had an amazing boyfriend who I had been with over two years. Little did I know he was going to "pop" the question within the month preceding my Birthday... Now on this particular soon-to-be-question-asking-evening, we got down to business. You know, talking about possible future offspring. My two very young Godchildren had been staying with us for the weekend and it had been quite an eye opening experience for us as a couple. The night after their Mother (My Best Girlfriend since the age of 14) had come to take them home, I laid down the law. I told him we needed to wait just a couple more years before we had a child. He looked stunned. He had been under the impression that I didn't want children. I reiterated with; "I don't. But in the event that it..happens. There is more I feel we need to do before we take on the job that never ends." He seemed quite overjoyed and agreeable with this. We made a deal. Two more years. He proposed that very night and I of course said...YES! That was THE night. Throwing caution to the wind, let the chips fall where they may. (Or in my case, eggs) Ahhh the month of June. The lovely, lilting month of June. It took all my strength just to keep my eyes open past Midnight. I has non-stop headaches and stomachaches. I was cramping. On a lark, I decided to take a home pregnancy test. Seriously, it really was a joke. But those two lines...were hostile! I laughed. Not me. Everyone I know has kids or is giving birth this year. I was the strong one. The infallable. The shopaholic. The one whose furniture and house was in perfect order! Then...I cried. I thought of my upcoming Summer. My plans to go to Disneyland in November. That Manolo Blahnik sale that was starting. All that new Trashy lingerie I was supposed to be buying that day. Oh yes, I wept for all that is woman. Shallow, purchasable woman. My first thought was; "I need not to be pregnant." No, no. I wanted my life back. I wanted things the way I wanted them. Selfish, scared woman. My Fiance came home from work and I bawled, really bawled on his chest. I was a snotty, blubbering mess of a woman. I made an appointment at the local clinic. Laying there a week later on the exam table, all I could think was "This is wrong. This is selfish and bottom line, I am pathetic." The Doctor came in and took my blood, swabbed me and then proceeded with the Ultrasound. Now in this moment I would bet dollars to dimes, that so many thousands of woman around the world, have had this same experience. You walk in so sure, cool as a cucumber. Shaking inside but so confident on the outside. Your mind is set. The screen bounced to life as the wand moved. And then I heard one of the precious and most endearing things you can ever say to a Mother; "And there's the heartbeat." That was it. Mind was set. The moment I beheld for the very first time, this tiny little wonder growing inside, I realized the feeling, the iron clad feeling all of you must be experiencing. I would die to protect this child. All my petty, foolish, insignificant little wants and "needs." Psssh who needs 'em? My life was not over. Not even close. As a matter of fact, it was just beginning. That wave of undulating Love, engulfed me. That fierce, fierce Love. Man, that Love gets even the hardest of the hard, soft. In that split second which seemed like minutes, I began a new thought pattern. I began to dream of what I could give to him or her. I began to envision how much I could enrich their lives, where we could travel as a family, what clothes to buy them. The Mommy Syndrome had begun... I have learned that those of us who are Shopaholics, make great Mother's to be. But while it's not all about Bellini or Bambino, it's a comforting thought on those days when the thought of a Roast Turkey dinner or Grilled Cheese Sandwich makes you want to hurl.
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