MNheidi

I fell in love with a wonderful man and married him when I was 32. In my circle of career-focused, independent friends this was not late in the game and I wouldn't choose to live any part of my life differently. My husband (Justin) is 4 years younger than me so 9 months into our marriage (in March of 2005) he was less than enthusiastic that I wanted to go off birth control but I mentioned that it could take months and not to worry - some stork wouldn't be dropping off a baby the following day. We went about the anticipation of a "positive" like any other couples. We talked about names, discussed whether we'd want to be pregnant during a certain time of year, and started planning for the conversion of the guest room into a nursery. I secretly planned how I would tell Justin and our families the good news - Mother's Day or Father's Day would have been perfect! With each passing month (and now years), these talks & conversation happened less & less and now, more than 2 years later, they seem like such an indulgence. How could we have been so unprepared? I've lived a blessed life. Truly, things have fallen into place for me. I have a true soul mate, wonderful family, great friends, and a fun, action-packed career. In God's master plan, I've suffered little to no hardship until now. And to preface, I realize that my infertility couldn't possibly compare with losing a loved one, surviving great disease or many of the other issues facing our world but it's very simply, a personal pain. THE TREATMENT Justin & I weren't/aren't super stressed about our infertility although at times that's a complete lie (see 2ww below). I was charting and we went through an SA and HSG (tests) and seemed to be on track. I ovulated regularly and it just seemed like we were unlucky in rolling the dice. I suppose we could have seen an RE earlier but a family wedding and a trip to Paris were being planned so we waited. Since August 2006, I've done 3 rounds of clomid, 2 clomid w/ IUI and 1 IUI with injectibles. I had a chemical pregnancy on my first IUI which was not discovered until I had a painful, late period. I was relieved & sad - I could have been pregnant and wasn't but AT LEAST I could get pregnant. The bloodwork, doctors appointments, needles & drugs are a cake walk compared to the emotional strain. 3 PAINS of INFERTILITY (an edited list to be sure) 1. Lack of Joy. I'm a happy person. Ask anyone and they'll tell you. I love it when people get engaged or announce a pregnancy - I stick a card in the mail, bake a cake, whatever. It is with such a huge mix of emotion for me when someone announces their pregnancy. I truly believe that you are in control of your own emotion & you can decide if you want to be happy or sad but this new uncontrollable emotion - sadness? pity? Emptiness? Frustration is unexplainable. I want so badly to be happy and yet can't. 2. Managing the hope. Anyone going through infertility knows about the 2ww. It's the time between your ovulation/procedure and the beta (bloodwork) testing to see if what you've just undergone has finally worked. These 2 weeks are such a mix of hope, despair and doubt. We constantly think, "are my boobs more sore than last month?" "Hmmm, a twitch in my lower abdomen? Gas or implantation?" "If I'm pregnant, I'll be due around my mother's birthday but wait, I doubt I'm pregnant." The whole time you know these are really silly thoughts and try real hard not to share them with others :). There is no way to manage the hope b/c when you get another BIG FAT NEGATIVE, you've realized that your hope WAS so - very - huge. 3. All Consuming. Regardless of whether your infertility consumes all your thoughts (for us, I don't think it does), it does end up consuming all your plans. When you need to see a doctor every other day during IVF or need to be home for a 3 day ultrasound but you're not sure when your period is coming - everything is on hold. We're trying to make plans to go to Justin's family cottage for a long weekend and we simply can't. We have taken breaks for a trip to Vail or work commitments but you could take breaks your whole lifetime. IF becomes all consuming because it requires a great deal of planning. The Others (you know, the fertile people) I watch Little People, Big World - actually, I'm a huge TLC fan. In their opening credits, the Dwarf father says, "When you're a little person, it's like you're living in a world that wasn't created for you." Or something like that. When you're suffering from infertility, you're living in a world that wasn't made for you - a world that celebrates babies, rejoices over pregnancies and doesn't talk about infertility. At first, people want to give you hope disguised in suggestions: - Relax. I knew someone who stopped trying and poof, they got pregnant. - Have you gone to an acupuncturist? - Have you stopped drinking wine? - Maybe it's just God's plan. I used to be one of these people. It's human nature that we try to normalize or stabilize a situation. So friends & family try to relate something they know to the situation you're in. This is not solely an IF issue but a very normal reaction however the delivery of most of these suggestions, doesn't help at all. My close friends & family have realized that I simply need comforting when I'm upset and an open ear when I'm explaining the next moves - not suggestions, not advice and most definitely not PITY. I share all my details. The problem then is people feel free to ask - WHENEVER THEY WANT! A word to the others, don't ask. No news is probably bad news in this situation. We all know how you feel, you want us to get pregnant too. So great, we're all on the same page so please, just be patient & let us tell our stories if/when we want. By the way, we're a small but strong group. When you start opening up, people appear who are in the same situation. For me, it's a small group of co-workers (a successful IVF dad is our unofficial leader) and another group of strangers I've met online. I don't know these women and will probably never meet them face to face but our trials bind us and their joys & sorrows have become mine. Our Faith Justin and I are Christians. We know that our journey ends well. We know that God's plan is unfolding even as I stick myself with needles, pee on sticks and argue with the insurance companies. What I don't know is why this journey has to be so long and treacherous. Dear Lord, I've learned patience and I've learned compassion. We've become closer to each other and to You - so hey, what's up? Adoption Option Justin and I believe adoption to be a wonderful, exciting option. I've done enough research to know which agency we'd use and how much money we'd need. This option is not Plan B in creating a family it's simply the other plan. Many times, I want to turn the car around, mourn the passing of what could have been and dive into this new world but it's full of its own ups & downs. That said, with all the technology & success stories, we trudge on. We just discovered my husband's new insurance company covers nearly all the procedure and drug costs needed for future treatments. Although a huge relief, we are no longer limited by money on our journey and now have to decide how much more of this rollercoaster we can ride. IVF #1 a success!!!