Sex Ed for Baby Making

When my husband and I decided we were ready to have a baby, my ob-gyn offered to have us come in for pre-conception counseling. At the time, I was puzzled—I figured babymaking was pretty straightforward. Turns out, I was wrong.

I’m glad we met with my doctor for that visit, because between my friends, mom influencers and chat spaces, I was getting a lot of conflicting information. That’s something Ayla Barmmer, RD, LDN, a labor and delivery nurse and founder of FullWell Fertility, warns against. “Don’t rely on social media for medical advice,” she says. “There’s a lot of fear-based content out there, and not all of it is evidence-based.” Instead, she recommends speaking to providers you can trust and looking for sources that cite their research and report responsibly.

Speaking of research-backed advice, we spoke with obstetrics and fertility experts to find out everything you need to know about sex for babymaking. Spoiler alert: There’s a lot more to it than what you may have learned in that awkward high school sex ed class. Read on for all the details.

Key Takeaways

• Taking care of your physical health before trying to conceive (TTC) is an important first step. This means eating well, maintaining an optimal weight, and avoiding alcohol, drugs and tobacco.
• Timing of sex is key when TTC. Your highest chances of conception are during three to five days before ovulation and the day of ovulation.
• Sex frequency is less important than timing, since sperm can live for three to five days inside a female.
• There are no specific sex positions that’ll improve your chances of conception—as long as the sperm gets into the reproductive tract and you’re comfortable, you’re good to go.
• There are other ways to get pregnant that don’t require sex, including intrauterine insemination (IUI) and in vitro fertilization (IVF).

How to Prepare for Babymaking Sex

There are a handful of things you can do to start preparing for babymaking sex. First, start tracking your ovulation cycle to see how long it usually lasts—is it the typical 28 days or does it tend to be closer to 26 or 30? You can track your cycle with a paper calendar, your Google calendar or using an app.

It’s also important to prep yourself physically as much as possible. “Small, evidence-based steps can make a meaningful difference,” says Sasha Hakman, MD, FACOG, a board-certified ob-gyn and reproductive endocrinologist at HRC Fertility in Beverly Hills and Encino, California. “Maintaining a healthy body weight, avoiding smoking and recreational drugs, limiting alcohol and keeping caffeine under 200 milligrams per day are all associated with improved fertility.”

Barmmer highlights the importance of both partners getting adequate nutrition while trying to conceive. “Adequate folate, iron, vitamin D, omega-3s, choline and iodine all support fertility and early pregnancy,” she says.

When to Have Sex

Once we were ready to start having babies, one thing that (embarrassingly) surprised many of my friends and me was that there’s only a small window of time each month when you can get pregnant—aka your fertile window. “Growing up, our sex ed teachers made it seem like we could get pregnant literally anytime we had sex,” says Katie G., a mom of two in Indianapolis. “I now understand that they were trying to help prevent unplanned pregnancies, but it was a bit of a shock when I learned the facts as an adult.” (To be clear, there’s no time during the menstrual cycle when the chances of pregnancy are zero—but they’re much lower outside the fertile window.)

So when should you be having sex if you’re actively TTC? “In general, the most fertile days are the three to five days before ovulation and the day of ovulation itself,” explains Charis Chambers, MD, a board-certified ob-gyn and chief medical officer at Clue.

Pinpointing ovulation can get tricky, but as long as you’re having sex around the general timeframe, you may still be successful. “Sperm can survive in the reproductive tract for up to five days,” says Hakman. “Research shows that the highest chance of conception occurs when intercourse happens one to two days before ovulation and on the day of ovulation itself.” She notes that it’s unlikely to conceive after ovulation has passed, as an egg is only viable for 12 to 24 hours after ovulation.

How Often to Have Sex

You don’t have to have sex multiple times a day for multiple days in a row in order to successfully conceive (unless you want to, of course). “For most couples, having sex every one to two days during the fertile window gives you the best odds,” says Barmmer. “Daily sex is fine if that works for you, but every other day is just as effective statistically, and may feel more sustainable.”

How to Have Sex

You might be wondering if there are any best sex positions for getting pregnant to increase your chances of conceiving. The good news? As long as you’re enjoying it—and the sperm gets into the reproductive tract—anything goes.

It’s worth noting that, when TTC, sex can start to feel like a task on your to-do list—especially if you’re several months in. “Trying to conceive can put pressure on intimacy, especially when sex becomes scheduled around ovulation,” says Hakman. To help with this, she suggests focusing more on intimacy than on the schedule. “Having sex regularly throughout the cycle instead of only on ‘fertile days’ helps prioritize intimacy without the expectation of conception every time.”

Barmmer echoes this advice and recommends giving yourself permission to have sex for the connection and pleasure of it, rather than letting it become “medicalized.” Both she and Chambers emphasize the importance of communicating with your partner when sex starts to feel like a chore. “Honesty about energy, mood and arousal can be helpful to guide the need for changes in sexual position, the use of lubrication or even the postponing of sexual intercourse until a more suitable time,” says Chambers.

What to Do Right After Sex

You’ve likely heard people say that you should prop your legs up or tilt your pelvis up, right after sex, in order to give sperm ample opportunity to get to where they need to go. But this certainly isn’t required.

“Believe it or not, sperm are present in the uterus and tubes within 10 to 15 minutes, even without any special maneuvers, so you don’t have to lie flat or put your hips or heels up in order to improve your chances,” says Erika Munch, MD, a reproductive endocrinologist with Texas Fertility Center in San Antonio. “By this point, it’s up to the egg and sperm to do their thing,” adds Ashley Wiltshire, MD, a reproductive endocrinologist with Columbia University Fertility Center.

What Comes Next

Once your fertility window has closed, it’ll be around two weeks before a pregnancy test can confirm whether you’re pregnant (this period is often called the “two-week wait”). Those two weeks can feel like they’re dragging on—and for me, it felt like the more I focused on whether or not I was pregnant, the longer the time seemed to take.

During this time, you’ll want to continue taking care of your health. Avoid alcohol and smoking, continue eating well, make sure you’re taking a prenatal vitamin and remain active.

While some may experience subtle symptoms of pregnancy before a positive pregnancy test, the majority of pregnant people don’t start to notice symptoms until at least 5 weeks, which would be after most at-home pregnancy tests would read positive. I personally obsessed over every sensation during that two-week wait, but if I’m being honest, most symptoms could have just as easily been related to PMS.

Other Ways to Get Pregnant

Just because sex is the way the earliest humans got pregnant doesn’t mean it’s the only option now. Thanks to amazing advances in science and medicine, there are other methods available with assisted reproductive technology.

“For same-sex couples, single females or females who are unable to have sex with their partner (due to [erectile dysfunction], spinal cord injuries or vaginal spasms), patients can have medical assistance in conceiving through in-office insemination (using partner or donor sperm) as well as more complex assistance like in vitro fertilization,” says Munch. Wiltshire also highlights the option of prescribing “ovulation induction with oral medications [like] Letrozole or Clomid” paired with timed intercourse.

For patients undergoing IVF, Hakman says there are additional techniques doctors may use to help improve a patient’s chances of conception, including “intracytoplasmic sperm injection, genetic testing of embryos or frozen embryo transfers.” She also notes that some patients may opt to use donor sperm, donor eggs or a gestational carrier (also known as a surrogate).

When to Seek Out a Doctor

Even when you do all the right things, conception can still take a while. “Conception can take healthy couples with no fertility issues up to a year,” points out Barmmer. But if you’ve followed all of the steps and conception isn’t coming easily, you may want to talk to a doctor about fertility testing and possibly treatment. Munch emphasizes that there’s never a wrong time to talk to your doctor about your concerns, but there are some rough timelines most experts agree on in terms of fertility interventions.

Wiltshire says common time points to see a fertility specialist are if you haven’t conceived after 12 months of trying and you’re under the age of 35, or after six months without success and you’re 35 or older. However, she notes, “it’s also very reasonable to see a fertility specialist toward the beginning of your fertility journey to do preconception or baseline testing.”

Adds Chambers: “If you’re over 40 … or have a known high-risk condition that impacts your fertility—like endometriosis, uterine fibroids, thyroid issues or a partner’s sperm concerns—there’s no need to wait at all. Talking with a healthcare provider now can help you understand your options and next steps sooner rather than later.”

To Sum It Up

In addition to taking care of your physical health, tracking your ovulation and timing intercourse to align with your fertile window are the most important things you can do to increase your chances of pregnancy. And if you have any questions or concerns at all, your medical provider is there to help. “If something feels off, trusting your instincts and seeking medical guidance is always reasonable,” Hakman says.

Please note: The Bump and the materials and information it contains are not intended to, and do not constitute, medical or other health advice or diagnosis and should not be used as such. You should always consult with a qualified physician or health professional about your specific circumstances.