Talking About TTC
March 2, 2017
Who knows if he was paying attention back in middle school sex ed class or if he’s forgotten the basics, but this isn’t the time to draw him a diagram of a uterus and start lecturing about how the fallopian tubes work. “You want to avoid turning making a baby into serious business,” says Shoshana Bennett, PhD, a clinical psychologist. “That can flatten so much of the joy in the process.”
Instead, read up on babymaking yourself — check out this article (it’s short and sweet) and then pass the link on to him if you want to make sure he knows the basics too.
When, Where and How to Do It
If you’re trying to speed up the getting pregnant process, you do have to take into consideration things like timing and frequency, but you don’t have to get out your BlackBerries and start scheduling it down to the minute. Instead, approach the times you want to have sex the same way you did when it was just for the fun of it. “Do it with humor and flirtation,” says Bennett. “You want to be careful not to turn those nice, romantic, natural moments into conversations solely about biology and periods.”
You know you’re ovulating? Send your guy a love text about how much you want him — now! We’re willing to bet he’s going to be interested — and way more into it when it’s about him, not just his sperm.
Want to wait until tomorrow to do it because someone told you it works better to only have sex every other day — but he’s ready to go? “Have fun and thrill him with two days in a row; don’t worry about tomorrow,” suggests Bennett. “Or say, ‘I’m looking forward to it too. How about tomorrow?’ And flirt. Don’t make it a business talk — he probably won’t mind waiting a day if he knows you really do want to.”
Tedious and Gross Stuff
There are technical aspects to TTC that might have you doing weird things, like testing cervical mucus or taking your basal body temperature. And just how much of it you share with your partner probably depends on his personality and your relationship. “Some guys are fascinated with that, but most aren’t,” says Bennett. “Don’t force it on him and assume he wants to know, and don’t take it personally if he doesn’t — it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or care. Sharing every little detail of a process is not necessary for closeness.” Instead, maybe you want to chat up your best friend about this one, or turn to The Bump Trying to Get Pregnant community.
Frustration and Impatience
Of course, just because you’re not talking about the contents of your ovulation predictor kit doesn’t mean you can’t discuss the bigger-picture stuff, especially if it’s taking longer than you would’ve liked. If you’re feeling frustrated or anxious, it will likely be good for you to talk out your feelings with your guy. Just avoid the trap some couples fall into: revolving all conversations around babymaking. “It can so easily take over and become an obsession,” says Bennett. It’s important you two continue to have your usual conversations, so you don’t lose that part of your relationship while going through this process.
The “What-Ifs” of Infertility
It’s also easy to start letting worst-case scenarios run through your mind. But Bennett says it’s not worth talking about the possibility of infertility until your doctor suggests testing. Then, just be sure you’re doing it with compassion and even a touch of lightness. “Hold hands while you mention it,” she suggests. “Say, ‘Let’s rule this out so we can keep having fun like we are.’ You’re not looking for a problem; you’re just ruling one out.”