There comes a point in most women’s trying to conceive (TTC) journey where she starts to feel betrayed by her body. At least, I imagine that’s true for most women. I know that many women get pregnant quite easily (I was that way with my first (and so far only) child) and so they might not feel this. But I suspect it is quite common.
In every cycle that doesn’t end in a pregnancy, you’re left with the evidence that you’re not pregnant - either a negative pregnancy test or the start of another period. At first, this didn’t really bother me. But that isn’t really the case anymore.
Things still haven’t returned to normal since my son was born. My cycles post-baby are nothing like my cycles pre-baby. (Making me very happy that I’m charting, otherwise I’d just be sitting here so confused!) It’s like my body has forgotten what it’s like to ovulate at a regularly expected time.
So, you try to do things to take your mind off of it. I read more, I find good things to watch on Netflix; I start projects around the house. But there are hobbies that I have that do remind me that I’m trying to get pregnant (as if I could somehow forget). I blog at The Bump, I join message boards for other like-minded women.
And then there are the things that creep up on me and remind me that I’m not pregnant. A chart that shows no evidence of ovulation, running into pregnant women at the store, seeing friends announce babies on Facebook; the vacations that I know can take since I won’t be at home with a newborn. But I remind myself that I have no idea what any other woman’s journey is like. I don’t know the battles she’s facing. I don’t know the wounds she’s dealing with. I can’t compare myself to other women and their stage of life.
But I’m starting to feel like my body is betraying me.
After all, it isn’t doing what I want it to do. I can only control so much. I can’t force my body to ovulate. I can’t force my cycles to be regular. So as understandable as it is to feel betrayed by my body at times, I try to take a step back and focus on what I can control. I dry my tears and look to the future. Sometimes, it’s the only thing you can do.
How do you handle the disappointment when you’re not getting pregnant?