Are you expecting? If so, how’s your pregnancy going? Or maybe you’ve already given birth—how’s motherhood treating you? Is it everything you imagined it would be? If you’re like most women I’ve worked with as a life coach, you’ve probably encountered some surprises—emotional, physical and spiritual. That’s completely natural. What’s unnatural is how isolating and confusing the journey of becoming a mom can feel in today’s world. Too often, moms are handed information without support, expectations without preparation and opinions without context. The result is that many of us feel adrift and are caught between cultural myths and personal truths, unsure where to turn for guidance that feels both helpful and empowering. If this is you, you're not imagining it, and you're not missing anything. You're navigating a system that was never designed with your whole self in mind.

As a motherhood coach, speaker and scholar, I’ve witnessed this struggle firsthand. And I believe there’s a way forward—one that starts by examining the hidden messages we’ve inherited and rewriting the script on our own terms. Because motherhood isn’t broken—but the stories we’ve been told about it are.

When I became pregnant with my first daughter, I was excited, but also quietly uneasy. I didn’t quite have the words for it at the time, but something about the mainstream narrative didn’t sit right with me. The dominant cultural scripts about pregnancy and birth felt disempowering, even dehumanizing. And while raising our daughters, I didn’t see myself reflected in the most common conversations around motherhood. That discomfort led me on a deep exploration personally, professionally and academically. I completed a doctoral dissertation on the transformational potential of motherhood. I led workshops, interviewed moms and examined the cultural programming we carry about what it means to be a “good mom.” All of that research brought me to the concept I call the Mother Code, which is the subject of my upcoming book, Rewrite the Mother Code: From Sacrifice to Stardust—A Cosmic Approach to Motherhood.

What Is the Mother Code?

The Mother Code is the set of unconscious rules, beliefs and expectations that shape our experience of mothering, often before we even become moms. It’s the “software” society installs in us through media, religion, family systems and institutional structures. Just like the code running your smartphone or laptop, you don’t see it, but it determines everything. This code tells us who we’re supposed to be, which is in many cases selfless, tireless and smiling through the pain. It tells us how we’re supposed to give birth, how we’re supposed to recover postpartum and how we’re supposed to raise our children, often at the expense of ourselves.

The more I reflected on my own experience and listened to other moms, the more I realized that this code isn’t just outdated—it’s damaging. But here’s the truth that changed my life, and the lives of so many women I work with: Just as the code can be rewritten, so can the internalized messages of motherhood.

3 Mother Code Myths to Unlearn

Let’s look at three common myths baked into the Mother Code, and how letting go of them can create space for a more empowered experience.

Myth #1: Pregnancy is a problem

When my husband and I received the confirmation that I was pregnant with our first girl, we held off on telling other people. This was for several reasons, but a major one was the typical discourse around pregnancy. I didn’t want to hear about how miserable I was going to be, how much weight I was going to gain, how cloudy my thinking would become and all the other weird messaging around being pregnant. People talk about “mom brain,” but the research shows that mothers’ brains actually gain capacity as a result of pregnancy. And miserable is a state of mind. Of course there’s physical discomfort, but why does that have to translate into unhappiness? Why do we lionize extreme sports competitors and infantilize pregnant women? I promise you, no man has engaged in a sport as extreme as pregnancy and birth.

Myth #2: Birth must be a medical event to be managed

We’ve come to see birth as something that happens to women—something clinical, managed by professionals, sanitized and scripted. But birth doesn’t have to be solely a medical moment. It’s an emotional, spiritual and intuitive process.

For my own births, I chose midwife-led care because that’s what made me feel present, connected and supported. I understand that medical care saves lives. But we’ve created a culture where women are routinely dismissed, overruled or disempowered during the most intimate moment of their lives. It doesn’t have to be that way. No matter whether you give birth at home or in the hospital, with or without interventions, your voice should be central in that room. Birth should be centered on the mother’s experience.

Myth #3: Good moms sacrifice themselves

The most pervasive and harmful myth of all is that to be a good mom, you must erase yourself entirely, that your needs no longer matter and your identity must now revolve exclusively around your child.

On the contrary, self-erasure is not selflessness. Your child needs your presence, your love, your guidance and your wholeness. You don’t have to choose between being a devoted mom and being fully you. Motherhood is a relationship that evolves over time, and includes your own growth, not just your child’s. When we make space for that, we invite a more joyful, connected and authentic family dynamic.

How to Rewrite Your Own Mother Code

The good news: You can begin rewriting your Mother Code today. Ask yourself: What’s one message about motherhood I’ve inherited from family, media or culture that I no longer want to carry? Write it down. Then write what you’d like to believe instead. For example, your original code might be, “A good mom always puts her child first.” Your rewritten code can be, “A good mom honors her needs and desires so she can give from fullness, not depletion.”

Moreover, recognize that small shifts can change everything. They ripple outward and into how you advocate for yourself, how you show up in relationships and how you raise your kids. Because motherhood isn’t just personal. It’s political, it’s cultural and it’s foundational to the world we’re building. And you as a unique individual are fully in that equation.

If no one has told you today, you matter. Your instincts, your emotions, your boundaries and your dreams all matter. You’re not here to merely survive motherhood. You’re here to shape it, along with your family, your future and, ultimately, our world. Let’s stop performing a version of motherhood that was never meant for us—and start living one that feels more like home. It starts with each of us.

Gertrude Lyons, EdD, MA, is a master life coach, mothering thought leader and author of Rewrite the Mother Code: From Sacrifice to Stardust—A Cosmic Approach to Motherhood, which will be out later this month. She helps women awaken to their power through the transformational lens of mothering—whether or not they have children.

Plus, more from The Bump:

How the Concept of Matrescence Can Help You Navigate Parenthood

What to Expect Emotionally After Birth

The Truth About Postpartum Depression

Gertrude Lyons's Latest Articles