10 Reasons I’m a Worse Mom Than You

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ByThe Bump Editors
Feb 2017
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Photo: Photo Courtesy of Karen Alpert

This guest post was written by Karen Alpert, the ridiculously hairy, self-deprecating writer of the blog Baby Sideburns and author of the brand new and hilarious parenting book, I Heart My Little A-Holes. She’s spent the past fifteen years working for national advertising agencies until she was promoted to her newest favorite job: Mommy. She lives with her two amazing kiddos and a very forgiving husband.

When I can’t find the time to shower, I use baby wipes to “clean” my pits, under my boobs, and, uhhh, some other places.

Once I told the kiddos the car radio was broken for about a week because I just couldn’t handle listening to their annoying music anymore.

I’m secretly happy when someone else’s kid throws a tantrum in public because it makes me feel better about my own kids.

Sometimes I don’t make my son wash his hands after he goes potty because washing his hands is such a pain in the ass.

I purposely schedule Girls’ Night Outs at 7:00 so I can skip the whole bedtime routine.

Once I told Zoey that Caillou was on vacation so I didn’t have to listen to his whiny voice.

Sometimes I say let’s play hide and seek just so I can hide in my bed under the covers and take a short snooze.

I haven’t gotten rid of any of the baby stuff in the basement because I’m scared it will jinx me and I’ll get pregnant if I do. At least that’s what I say. Really I’m just lazy.

I’m secretly happy airplanes only have three seats together so when I make our reservations I can put myself all alone.

I wrote a book called I Heart My Little A-Holes and never stopped to think, awww shit, one day my kids are going to learn how to read.

What’s your most hilarious “awful” mommy moment?

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