Hey, Mom-to-be! Aren’t you JUST GLOWING? Oh…you actually feel like you’re living in a low-budget science fiction movie where a squirming parasite inhabits your abdominal cavity and gradually drains you of your life force while also kicking you squarely in the bladder? Have you tried glowing harder? Because everyone really, really wants you to glow.
Yes, it is hard to glow when your stomach is a churning pit of acid that rivals the last scene in The Little Mermaid where Ursula becomes a giant angry octo-monster and the entire sea rises up with half-digested saltine crackers. Have you tried ginger? There are lots of great ginger anti-nausea products on the market. They are super fun to throw up too.
I see you’re pregnant in the summer! That’s really great, because you can spend all of your time floating around in a pool like a glamorous movie star. Or if you prefer, you could just lie on the lawn in a kiddie pool like an exhausted manatee struggling to breathe while you pay the neighborhood children to roll you over and spray you with the hose every so often.
Oh no, you look tired! It’s probably not easy to sleep with a writhing bowling ball in your uterus, huh? That’s okay though, because you’ll also have 5 percent less brain mass throughout your pregnancy for reasons we’ll just call “science.” Hopefully your exhausted new tiny-mind can’t even process that you have become an empty husk of your formerly productive self who just wanders from room to room trying to remember where she left her Tums.
Anyway, YOU LOOK SO GREAT! I bet it's super fun to have people comment on your appearance all the time — like you’re a celebrity or something! And don’t forget all of the extra touching! Like when strange women lunge at your stomach in the Target bathroom and ask if you’re expecting quadruplet rhinoceroses. It must be nice to know everyone cares so much about your body, and specifically, your reproductive organs!
Sure, pregnancy can be a challenge sometimes. Don't worry though, it all goes by in a flash! Soon, you will have a precious newborn and your body, sleep schedule and privacy from strangers in Target will be yours again.
You'll be positively glowing.
By Sara Given, a first-time mom who’s found her place in the online parenting world by poking fun at it. Her blog, “It’s Like They Know Us,” rounds up all those ridiculously idyllic parenting stock photos you hate so much and adds the snarky captions they deserve.You can order her book, Parenting is Easy! (You’re Probably Just Doing it Wrong) here.