CircleBumpCheckedFilledMedicalBookmarkBookmarkTickBookmarkAddCheckBoxCheckBoxFilled

How to Get Along Better With Your Partner After the Birth of Your Child

It's not always easy when two becomes three.
save article
profile picture of Dimitri Ehrlich
By Dimitri Ehrlich, Dimitri Ehrlich
Updated July 28, 2017
Hero Image
Image: Shutterstock

This one is strictly for the fellas: Before you have a baby, it’s just you and your girl. Life is about love and love is about the thread tenuously strung between Venus and Mars. And perhaps never the two shall meet, but still, driven by hope, hormones and lust, you have somehow built a perilous rope bridge between the male and female planets. Because you’re a dude and it smells better over there in lady land. Because love is a mountain and it’s there. Because you may wear the pants, but hers fit a lot better.

And so love blooms. In the beginning, for most men, it’s about the physical attraction. Pheromones and feral moans. Before long there’s that first kiss, one thing leads to another and you’re in the hospital holding a shrieking little baby.

Now the leisurely things you used to think about when you were dating—what restaurant should we go to for dinner tonight?—are replaced with a more urgent kind of camaraderie. It’s like you are a pair of EMT medics on a nonstop triage, running from being wrist-deep in poopy diapers to walking in circles at 4 am wondering why this sweet bundle of love is crying hysterically and what happened to your hair.

What does this do to your relationship? Where do love and sex and romance go now that you are both fawning over the new boss in diapers?

What began as a duo has become a trio. A tripod is usually a fairly stable structure. But a threesome isn’t. When there is a trio of personalities, there are constantly shifting alliances. Your romantic duo has become a pair of partners who spend all their time wrangling a tiny tyrant. And this newcomer is mighty cuter than either of you saggy-eyed bastards.

Related Video

So there’s a built-in tension: You or your main squeeze is suddenly in danger of being squeezed out by a new love. The baby carries your DNA and is radiant. Your beloved is suddenly a stranger who yells at you for wanting to take a shower. How did this switcheroo happen, and what can be done to make romantic love coexist with parental love?

First piece of advice applies not only to new dads but to all men who seek to get along with women: Take the idea of being right, set it on fire, shoot a bunch of holes in it and flush it down the toilet. Once you realize that it’s more important to get along than it is to be tethered to the weight of facts, life takes on a new lightness and love becomes a whole lot easier.

According to Buddha, patience doesn’t mean being a doormat. It’s a highly intelligent form of self-protection. It’s armor that cannot be penetrated by the self-inflicted wound of anger.

Let’s say your beautiful consort turns around one day and without warning, her gorgeous smile has been temporarily replaced with a flame-thrower because you didn’t fold your socks. Rather than engage the part of your brain that might respond with some logical argument about how, first of all, those aren’t your socks, take a breath and hug the source of incoming fire. Tell her you love her. And realize that if you want a happy home, the importance of being right has to go the way of casually choosing which restaurant to head to for dinner.

Like male nipples, being right becomes vestigial. The impulse is still there, but it grows dimmer. Until one day it’s just a vague memory of something you can happily do without. (Also never forget the asymmetry in your arsenal of weapons: She has the silent treatment and withholding sex, neither of which you are much good at.)

Bottom line: Being wrong and happy beats being right and sleeping on the couch every time.

Dimitri Ehrlich is a New York City-based author, journalist and songwriter. His writing has appeared in Rolling Stone, The New York Times and the Huffington Post. His son, Lev, is the love of his life and the inspiration for The Daddy Diaries. @dimitriehrlich

save article
ADVERTISEMENT

Next on Your Reading List

Father's Day Gifts
55 First Father’s Day Gifts That Will Make Him Smile
By Cassie Kreitner
fathers day gifts from baby to daddy gif
15 Special Father’s Day Gifts From Baby to Daddy
By Martina Garvey
young woman using dating app on smartphone while sitting on couch at home
Match Has Launched a New Dating App for Single Parents Called Stir
By Nehal Aggarwal
ADVERTISEMENT
8 Types of New Dads
8 Types of New Dads
By Kylie McConville
parents holding up baby in front of colorful background
Why (and How) You Should Make a Family Mission Statement This Year
By The Bump Editors
new parents at the hospital after the mom just delivered her baby
The 5 Big Surprises in Store for Your Relationship After Baby Arrives
By Ashlee Neuman
4 Ways New Parents Can Strengthen Their Relationship
4 Ways New Parents Can Strengthen Their Relationship
By Tammy Gold
ADVERTISEMENT
Can Having a Baby Strengthen Your Relationship?
Can Having a Baby Strengthen Your Relationship?
By Jayne Heinrich
Date Night: How Many Parents Are Actually Taking One?
Date Night: How Many Parents Are Actually Taking One?
By Anisa Arsenault
shark boy and lava girl tv show still
Sharkboy and Lava Girl Are Returning to the Screen—As Parents
By Nehal Aggarwal
ADVERTISEMENT
elon musk and grimes pick unique baby name
Elon Musk Opens About Fatherhood and Parenting New Son With Grimes
By Nehal Aggarwal
dad holding daughter at the beach
9 Signs He’ll Be a Good Dad
By JD Roberto
Benjamin and maisani Anderson cooper
The Heartwarming Reason Anderson Cooper Is Co-Parenting With His Ex
By Nehal Aggarwal
ADVERTISEMENT
Stacks of money represent unpaid labor of women
Women’s Unpaid Labor Is Globally Worth $10.9 Trillion, Report Says
By Nehal Aggarwal
couple having coffee in bed together
The 5 Most Expensive Cities for Valentine's Day Sitters, Study Finds
By Nehal Aggarwal
man sits down while looking at wifi signal on phone
This New Mom Turned Off Her Husband’s Wifi for the Best Reason
By Nehal Aggarwal
Why You Hate Your Partner After Baby Arrives
Why You Hate Your Partner After Baby Arrives
By Kaitlin Stanford
ADVERTISEMENT
parents looking at summer infant baby monitor
Dads Are Quicker to Check on Baby Than Moms, Study Finds
By Nehal Aggarwal
somber dad holds crying baby
What Dads Need to Know About Postpartum Depression in Men
By Rachel Morris
actress busy phillips posing at an event
How Busy Philips and Her Husband Leveled Their Uneven Parenting Roles
By Laurie Ulster
ADVERTISEMENT
Article removed.
Article removed.
Name added. View Your List