New-Mom Confessions

Okay, time to fess up, mamas: What crazy, salacious (and possibly embarrassing) pregnancy and parenting stories have you been keeping under wraps? Bumpies spilled theirs to us. Read on and then share your own — we won’t judge (too much!).
BySarah Yang
March 2, 2017
Hero Image

“I leave my baby with my in-law’s once every other week and tell them that I’m on the way to a ‘postpartum check-up.’ I really just go to get a mani and pedi.” — Charlotte K.

“We started on solids when our son was four months — way earlier than we should have! He just seemed ready. When our doctor asked, we lied and told him we hadn’t. I didn’t want him to think we were bad parents!” — Melanie G.

“I peed myself five times during my last pregnancy!” — Kelsey B.

“I changed a diaper right before I left for work. When I got to my office, I kept smelling baby poop. It took me an hour and a half to realize that it was on my jacket — and I have to wear a jacket at work. I tried to wash it off in the bathroom and ended up sitting in my office wearing a damp and poopy suit coat all day.” — Laura C.

“I accidentally walked outside with one of my boobs hanging out about once a week or so. My teenage neighbors are going to be sad when my son weans.” — Aimee K.

“My daughter dropped her pacifier on the living room floor today. I picked it up and put it back in her mouth without washing it.” — Justine L.

“On the way home from the grocery store, my son woke up and started crying. I knew he was ready for a feeding, but I really wanted to go to Starbucks. I stopped on the way home even though it meant letting him cry for an extra 10 minutes. I feel guilty about it, but he had a rough night last night and mommy needed a latte.” — Kelley K.

Related Video

“I use my baby to get out of social obligations with work friends and my partner’s work friends and I’m absolutely not ashamed to admit it!” — Lesley H.

“When baby is freaking out I usually put him in the car and we go for a drive to calm him down (this usually always works). Lately, after I buckle him in and he’s still wailing, I’ll close the door and just stand outside. I don’t care that it’s freezing — I need a minute to keep from going insane too.” — Anna M.

“Full disclosure: I steal my nephew’s snacks!” — Rose B.

“I don’t think I’ve ever wiped down a high chair in a restaurant before letting my son sit in it.” — Rachel S.

“I’ve painted my son’s toe nails. He loved it and it kept him sitting still for a bit while they dried.” — Ashley B.

“I am rear-facing my kid as long as possible, not really for the safety benefits, but so she can’t see me eating snacks and drinking soda.” — Marsha W.

“At the zoo my son and his friend were running off a lot. So I told them if they ran off that a Gorilla would come out of the trees and get them. It worked!” — Monica H.

“Once, when my baby was asleep, I took the baby monitor to my neighbor’s house so that I could get out of the house and have some girly time (and a glass of wine with my friend).” — Susan O.

“We got a ‘freebie day’ from our son’s day care. They gave us six hours free on a Saturday. Since we’ve never had a babysitter on the weekend, we skipped all the house chores that we needed to do, dropped our son off for our freebie day and my husband and I spent a day in the casino. It was a date that we haven’t had since the birth of our son! But, we felt so guilty (because when we dropped him off, he was in tears!) that we got him a toy train that he had been wanting for a long time.” — Emma Q.

“I have told my family that, ‘Mommy doesn’t feel well’ so I can hide out sitting on the bathroom floor and catch up on my social media feeds on my phone.” — Diane L.

“After baby was born, I didn’t want my in-laws to stay with us (they wanted to visit with the baby and help us out) so I pretended that I was dealing with some postpartum emotions and needed to be alone. I just wanted some damned peace and quiet!” — Rachael T.

“I have threatened the kids to behave or else I will email/text message Santa (since he has an iPhone) and tell him to skip over us this year.” — Gloria K.

“In the morning getting ready the kids ready for school, I was so upset I yelled at my kids that they make being a mom miserable, that at that moment I really hated being a mommy. I can’t believe I said that out loud and felt so bad after. Good thing after school I explained and apologized. I think it’s okay for kids to see parents make mistakes and own up to them.” — Hayden B.

“I make them a special drink called a ‘mommy cocktail’ which is really just water with a splash of two different juices for some flavor (they HATE plain water and it’s the only way I can get them to drink it. (‘Cocktail’ was probably not the most age-approriate choice of name for it, though.)” — Christine M.

“I teach my boys how to make armpit farts while they are in the bathtub (a life skill all boys need to have!).” — Shelly C.

*Some names have been changed.

Plus, more from The Bump:

New Gerber baby, named Zane

Meet Gerber’s 2021 Spokesbaby and First-Ever Chief Growing Officer

profile picture of Nehal Aggarwal
Nehal Aggarwal
Associate Editor
Country singer Chris Lane performing on stage at a concert.

Check Out Singer Chris Lane’s Newest Song, Dedicated to His Newborn Son

profile picture of Nehal Aggarwal
Nehal Aggarwal
Associate Editor
Overhead view of flowers and mother's day card.

This Is the Most Popular Mother’s Day Flower in Each State

profile picture of Nehal Aggarwal
Nehal Aggarwal
Associate Editor
Celebrities from left, Kristen Wiig, Jhené Aikon and Jessica Alba.

8 Celeb-Approved Gifts to Buy Moms This Mother’s Day

profile picture of Nehal Aggarwal
Nehal Aggarwal
Associate Editor
Co-founder of Melissa and Doug, Melissa Bernstein sitting and contemplating on scenic rocks by water.

One Thing Melissa & Doug’s Co-Founder Wants All Parents to Stop Doing

profile picture of Melissa Bernstein
Melissa Bernstein
Melissa & Doug, Co-Founder and COO
The author and her husband and daughter, pictured against wall with fall leaves.

Mom Opens Up About Shaping a Cultural Identity for Her Kids

profile picture of Avani Modi Sarkar
Avani Modi Sarkar
Co-founder of Modi Toys
Article removed.