New-Mom Confessions

Okay, time to fess up, mamas: What crazy, salacious (and possibly embarrassing) pregnancy and parenting stories have you been keeping under wraps? Bumpies spilled theirs to us. Read on and then share your own — we won’t judge (too much!).
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BySarah Yang
Updated
Mar 2017
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“I leave my baby with my in-law’s once every other week and tell them that I’m on the way to a ‘postpartum check-up.’ I really just go to get a mani and pedi.” — Charlotte K.

“We started on solids when our son was four months — way earlier than we should have! He just seemed ready. When our doctor asked, we lied and told him we hadn’t. I didn’t want him to think we were bad parents!” — Melanie G.

“I peed myself five times during my last pregnancy!” — Kelsey B.

“I changed a diaper right before I left for work. When I got to my office, I kept smelling baby poop. It took me an hour and a half to realize that it was on my jacket — and I have to wear a jacket at work. I tried to wash it off in the bathroom and ended up sitting in my office wearing a damp and poopy suit coat all day.” — Laura C.

“I accidentally walked outside with one of my boobs hanging out about once a week or so. My teenage neighbors are going to be sad when my son weans.” — Aimee K.

“My daughter dropped her pacifier on the living room floor today. I picked it up and put it back in her mouth without washing it.” — Justine L.

“On the way home from the grocery store, my son woke up and started crying. I knew he was ready for a feeding, but I really wanted to go to Starbucks. I stopped on the way home even though it meant letting him cry for an extra 10 minutes. I feel guilty about it, but he had a rough night last night and mommy needed a latte.” — Kelley K.

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“I use my baby to get out of social obligations with work friends and my partner’s work friends and I’m absolutely not ashamed to admit it!” — Lesley H.

“When baby is freaking out I usually put him in the car and we go for a drive to calm him down (this usually always works). Lately, after I buckle him in and he’s still wailing, I’ll close the door and just stand outside. I don’t care that it’s freezing — I need a minute to keep from going insane too.” — Anna M.

“Full disclosure: I steal my nephew’s snacks!” — Rose B.

“I don’t think I’ve ever wiped down a high chair in a restaurant before letting my son sit in it.” — Rachel S.

“I’ve painted my son’s toe nails. He loved it and it kept him sitting still for a bit while they dried.” — Ashley B.

“I am rear-facing my kid as long as possible, not really for the safety benefits, but so she can’t see me eating snacks and drinking soda.” — Marsha W.

“At the zoo my son and his friend were running off a lot. So I told them if they ran off that a Gorilla would come out of the trees and get them. It worked!” — Monica H.

“Once, when my baby was asleep, I took the baby monitor to my neighbor’s house so that I could get out of the house and have some girly time (and a glass of wine with my friend).” — Susan O.

“We got a ‘freebie day’ from our son’s day care. They gave us six hours free on a Saturday. Since we’ve never had a babysitter on the weekend, we skipped all the house chores that we needed to do, dropped our son off for our freebie day and my husband and I spent a day in the casino. It was a date that we haven’t had since the birth of our son! But, we felt so guilty (because when we dropped him off, he was in tears!) that we got him a toy train that he had been wanting for a long time.” — Emma Q.

“I have told my family that, ‘Mommy doesn’t feel well’ so I can hide out sitting on the bathroom floor and catch up on my social media feeds on my phone.” — Diane L.

“After baby was born, I didn’t want my in-laws to stay with us (they wanted to visit with the baby and help us out) so I pretended that I was dealing with some postpartum emotions and needed to be alone. I just wanted some damned peace and quiet!” — Rachael T.

“I have threatened the kids to behave or else I will email/text message Santa (since he has an iPhone) and tell him to skip over us this year.” — Gloria K.

“In the morning getting ready the kids ready for school, I was so upset I yelled at my kids that they make being a mom miserable, that at that moment I really hated being a mommy. I can’t believe I said that out loud and felt so bad after. Good thing after school I explained and apologized. I think it’s okay for kids to see parents make mistakes and own up to them.” — Hayden B.

“I make them a special drink called a ‘mommy cocktail’ which is really just water with a splash of two different juices for some flavor (they HATE plain water and it’s the only way I can get them to drink it. (‘Cocktail’ was probably not the most age-approriate choice of name for it, though.)” — Christine M.

“I teach my boys how to make armpit farts while they are in the bathtub (a life skill all boys need to have!).” — Shelly C.

*Some names have been changed.

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