There’s No Such Thing as a ‘Perfect’ Mother
May 3, 2017
This guest post is written by Scary Mommy’s Jill Smokler, author of Confessions of a Scary Mommy and Motherhood Comes Naturally (And Other Vicious Lies) in stores April 9.
There’s this mom at the pre-school where Evan goes who, I used to think, was absolutely perfect.
She’s one of the few stay-at-home-moms who shows up at school every day wearing something other than a uniform of yoga pants, a t-shirt and comfy shoes. She’s always well groomed and not wearing remnants of her children’s breakfast or runny noses all over her shirt. She volunteers in the classroom multiple times a week and spends the moments before school starts gently reading to her child. When there’s a bake sale, her brownies look mouthwateringly delicious, unlike my tray which gets avoided like the plague. Nothing seems to phase her, and from the moment I spotted her, an imaginary halo seemed to dance atop her head.
Last spring, one of the other school moms generously held a book launch party at her home for me. I read a chapter from my book out loud and held a Q&A, followed by some snacks and chatting. I gratefully smiled at the people I knew and got introduced to some faces I recognized from drop-off and pick-up but had never met. It was a wonderful evening and I was grateful to be surrounded by so many real life Scary Mommies. And then suddenly, out of nowhere, I saw her – The Perfect Mother – coming towards me. What on earth was she doing here, I wondered. Like she could relate to anything I wrote, little Mrs. I Do Everything Right.
“I have to tell you how much I loved your book,” she greeted me with. “I could have written almost every word myself. It was so me.”
Huh? Say what?!
What on earth in my book could she relate to? She was the one I referenced when talking about the foreign perfection I’d never in my life hope to achieve. She was the one who looked like a million bucks all the time and who always seemed to handle everything that came at her with grace. While everything I did was merely good enough, everything she touched was perfect with a capital P. Had the picked up the wrong book? What author had she mistaken me with?
Unfortunately, those were not thoughts in my head. Unable to contain my shock and awe, that’s exactly how I responded to her, sounding certifiably insane, since we’d never officially met and she had no idea she’d made such an impression on me. She burst out laughing.
“Me? Perfect?” She laughed until she snorted – LOUDLY - the imaginary halo slowly tumbling off of her head.
She went on to explain that the only reason she showered in the morning was to wake herself up, because without that jolt of cold water at 7AM, she’d never peel herself out of bed. She wears Spanx under her jeans and steers clear of yoga pants because the cellulite on her thighs shows through them so clearly that she can’t stomach it. She reads to her kid in the morning because she’s too spent at the end of the day to do it and he falls asleep watching a DVD most nights. And those brownies I’ve drooled over? Her mother makes them because she can’t cook to save her life.
Hello, nice to meet you, my new favorite person on earth! I think I love you.
Sadly, her son went of to kindergarten last fall, so I stopped seeing her in the lobby and at school events, but I think of her often, this not so perfect mom. Every time I make a snap judgment or feel inferior to some other mother I bear witness to, I envision that halo falling down and the sound of her unglamorously snorting echoes in my head. That interaction was one of the single greatest parenting lessons I’ve learned.
There’s a danger in thinking that someone could be perfect at this impossible job of motherhood; it inevitably makes us feel less than perfect, which is what we all are at the core. There is no such thing as the perfect mother, and there doesn’t need to be. What we should strive for is being the best moms we can be, for the little people we love most. And recognize that, sometimes, good enough is fine too.
Do you struggle with trying to be the ‘perfect’ mom?