What Is a Helicopter Parent? (and How to Tell If You’re One)

There’s no question about it—many parents today are burned out. From the lack of societal support to endless pressures to level up, it’s no wonder parents are reporting higher stress levels than ever. Part of this is due to social media: We scroll through posts on everything from picky eating to generational trauma to scary news headlines, constantly thinking about how to do better and/or protect our kids. “I don’t think it was like this even a few years ago,” says Caroline T., a mom of one in Providence, Rhode Island. “I feel like there’s so much pressure to just do all the things as a parent.”

For some parents, these pressures result in helicopter parenting, an intensive method in which parents are overly involved and controlling. “Helicopter parents, just like helicopters, hover closely and are rarely out of reach, whether their children need them or not,” explains Fran Walfish, PsyD, a Beverly Hills, California-based family and relationship psychotherapist and the author of The Self-Aware Parent. “Partly enmeshed, partly worried and constantly assisting, this parent pays too-close attention to his or her child’s experiences and problems.”

Of course, it’s natural for your protective instincts to kick in when you sense your little one is in danger or needs your protection. After all, it’s our job to protect them and set them up for success. But, at the extreme end, this parenting style can cause kids to flounder when it’s time to do things on their own. Ahead, read more about helicopter parents, and find out if you might be one.

Key Takeaways

• Helicopter parenting is a method of parenting where the parent is overly involved and controlling, in an effort to protect their kids from harm and ensure success.
• The biggest downside of helicopter parenting is that it can leave children with an inability to problem-solve, develop independence and practice essential life skills.
• You can avoid being a helicopter parent by letting your child struggle when it’s appropriate and attempt to resolve their own problems.

What Is a Helicopter Parent?

A helicopter parent is overly protective and provides excessive supervision and involvement in their child’s activities, says Francyne Zeltser, PsyD, a psychologist and the clinical director of mental health and testing services at Manhattan Psychology Group. She says it originated from the “image of parents literally hovering over their children, particularly those who intervene in situations in ways often seen as overstepping.”

Helicopter parenting examples

We’ve all either met helicopter parents or acted like one at times. Of course, when they’re babies and toddlers, we need to take care of and protect our kids. But sometimes you can go just a tad too Mama Bear. Here are a couple of examples of how helicopter parenting can play out in the early years:

• Playground hovering. Your toddler might be perfectly capable of climbing that ladder alone, but you’re still worried they’ll take a tumble. You follow them closely to prevent even minor trips and falls. “This could include standing beside playground equipment with arms outstretched to catch the child, despite the fact that any resulting injuries would likely be minor and part of typical development,” says Zeltser. “I actually don’t really see a lot of millennial moms getting overprotective at the playground,” points out Kerry M., a mom of two in Pasadena, California. “It’s more of the Gen X and baby boomer generations. My mom definitely does this with my younger kid, and I kind of tell her to cool it and let her be more independent.”
• Overscheduling. “My daughter is 3 and I already feel like we need to start dance lessons if we want her to keep up with everyone else,” says Caroline. You want your kid to learn skills and make friends, but when they’re young they also need plenty of unstructured time for activities like pretend play. “This over-involvement often stems from a fear of understimulation, discomfort or distress, resulting in limited opportunities for children to develop autonomy and resilience,” says Zeltser.

Later in a child’s life, helicopter parenting can look like a parent disputing a report card grade or even intervening in one of their first relationships.

Signs You’re a Helicopter Parent

Again, there’s no shame if this is you—but it’s important to be aware if you have helicopter-ish tendencies and think about pulling back. Here are some signs you might be a helicopter parent, according to Zeltser:

• You have a constant need to monitor your child’s activities, even when they’re safe and nearby.
• You intervene in situations even when there’s no immediate risk or your kid didn’t ask for help.
• You automatically step in to solve problems that your kid could potentially solve independently.
• You have persistent anxiety about your little one’s “potential to fail, make mistakes or experience discomfort.”

What Are the Effects of Helicopter Parenting?

Helicopter parents definitely do right by their kids in the love and attention department—but the long-term effects of helicopter parenting may not be so positive. “Kids of helicopter parents are not fully self-reliant or equipped with the skill set to completely manage their lives independently,” Walfish says. That said, there are some potential upsides to helicopter parenting (though they’re outweighed by the negatives). Here’s what to know about the effects of being a helicopter parent.

Negative effects of helicopter parenting

Helicopter parenting tends to stunt a child’s progress toward independence—and may make it hard for them to handle life’s obstacles on their own in the future. Other negative effects of helicopter parenting on kids can include, according to Zeltser:

• Inability to problem-solve. “It can inhibit a child’s ability to independently problem-solve, which is an essential skill learned through real-life experiences,” she says. “When parents consistently intervene, children may miss valuable opportunities to navigate challenges, build resilience and develop confidence in their own abilities.”

• Increased anxiety and stress. Kids can internalize “a sense of vulnerability or inadequacy” from their parents, and this can result in mental health issues.

• Trouble with failure or criticism. “They may struggle to handle failure, criticism or stressful situations, as they’re not accustomed to managing adversity on their own,” she says.

Positive effects of helicopter parenting

While helicopter parenting isn’t an ideal style, there are some positive aspects, according to Zeltser:

• Higher academic achievement. The children of helicopter parents may perform better academically because their parents are highly involved and often emotionally supportive.

• Fewer physical and emotional setbacks. Kids of helicopter parents may experience fewer physical injuries since they’re always being supervised. They may also experience less emotional pain—at least early on.

There’s an important but here: “Over time, the drawbacks may outweigh the benefits,” says Zeltser. “Persistent over-involvement can foster dependence, limit emotional growth and leave children more vulnerable to psychological difficulties later in life as they struggle with autonomy, problem-solving and coping without parental support.”

How Not to Be a Helicopter Parent

While all that love and involvement can be a benefit for kids, helicopter parents need to let their kids learn to become independent, make mistakes and suffer an occasional failure so they develop the skills to succeed on their own. Here, some tips on how to avoid the pitfalls of helicopter parenting:

• Give your kids responsibilities. Even kids as young as 2 or 3 can benefit from doing chores like cleaning up their toys and putting laundry in the hamper, experts say. Walfish says this is a great way for them to learn responsibility and develop skills they’ll need later in life.

• Don’t take over your child’s tasks. “Be brutally honest with yourself to own what’s yours and not your child’s,” Walfish says. “Each time you feel the impulse to do something that’s your child’s responsibility, ask, ‘Am I trying to make my child’s life experience easier now but will set him up for disappointments later on?’”

• Let your kids struggle—sometimes. It can be painful to watch your child stumble or fail—especially when you know you can make it all better by swooping in. But avoid the temptation: Life’s disappointments are, in fact, your child’s opportunity to grow. “Allowing children to make mistakes, and supporting them from the sidelines rather than intervening directly, helps them experience natural consequences and learn the important connection between actions and outcomes,” says Zeltser. “The ability to tolerate distress and work through discomfort is a powerful skill.”

• Offer confidence-building encouragement. “Praise your children from a very early age with statements that promote a stronger sense of self-esteem and independence,” Walfish says. “Rather than saying, ‘Good job,’ which fosters dependency on pleasing Mom and Dad, you can phrase it as, ‘You must be so proud of yourself!’” This type of encouragement helps your child understand that accomplishing things on their own gives them a sense of satisfaction and pride.

Fostering independence in the early years can be tricky, since our kids are still small and our primary job is to protect them. But even in the baby and toddler era, there are ways to avoid helicopter parent-like tendencies and let your kids figure things out on their own. With time, you’ll find the right balance!

Please note: The Bump and the materials and information it contains are not intended to, and do not constitute, medical or other health advice or diagnosis and should not be used as such. You should always consult with a qualified physician or health professional about your specific circumstances.