Feeling Guilty About Not Breastfeeding? Read This.

Stopping breastfeeding earlier than you want to, or not being able to start in the first place, can be an emotional experience—and, yes, guilt can factor in. “There can be grief associated with a feeding journey that didn’t go as expected, or guilt associated with feeding choices,” says Jacque Ordner, IBCLC, RN, a lactation consultant, registered nurse, medical advisor at Motif Medical and mom of four. “Many times, a family’s feeding journey is impacted by factors that are out of their control, such as medical problems for Mom or baby, a short maternity leave or insufficient support.”

Ordner says that she breastfed her first baby for four-and-a-half months before switching to formula, and felt guilty about it at first. However, realizing that she was doing the best she could at the time helped her put things in perspective. “The amount of breast milk you provide for baby doesn’t determine how good of a mother you are,” she says.

If you need help coming to peace with not breastfeeding, know you’re not alone–and that it will get easier. Read advice from real moms on how to deal if you’re feeling guilty about not breastfeeding, ahead.

Why It’s Normal to Feel Guilty About Not Breastfeeding

When moms are unable to breastfeed or have to stop breastfeeding earlier than they’d like—whatever the reason may be—feelings of guilt can come up. Many moms feel this way about not breastfeeding due to societal pressure or an emotional attachment to breastfeeding—and the hormonal fluctuations postpartum can intensify feelings.

It’s important to know that you’re not alone in feeling this way, says Nicole Peluso, IBCLC, manager of lactation services and education at Aeroflow Breastpumps and a mom of four. “Breastfeeding is deeply personal, and many moms experience a mix of emotions, including guilt or sadness, when their journey doesn’t go as planned,” she says. “Sometimes, circumstances beyond your control, like medical issues, supply challenges or life demands, impact your ability to meet your breastfeeding goals.”

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends exclusive breastfeeding for around 6 months followed by continued breastfeeding with solid foods for about 2 years. While this is a well-intentioned guideline, it’s not always practical and can make some moms feel like they don’t measure up.

How to Cope If You’re Feeling Guilty About Not Breastfeeding

If you’re feeling guilty about not breastfeeding, it’s important to acknowledge and work through your feelings. Here’s some advice to help you deal with these strong emotions.

• Internalize that what you’re going through is normal. Again, validate your feelings—whether it’s by journaling, talking to a therapist or simply confessing to a friend who may be in the same boat. “Give yourself grace,” says Mallory Whitmore, MEd, certified infant feeding technician, founder of The Formula Mom and mom of two. “It’s perfectly okay and normal to grieve the loss of an experience you wanted or planned to have.”
• Seek out community. It can be helpful to talk to other moms who’ve had similar experiences, says Peluso. That way, you’ll know you’re not alone and there are plenty of other moms who aren’t breastfeeding, or who stopped earlier than they’d like, for a variety of reasons.
• Focus on what you can control. There are plenty of other ways to be a responsive caregiver and nurture baby. “Remember that how you feed baby is just one very small part of the lifelong puzzle of how baby bonds and develops,” says Whitmore. She suggests doing skin-to-skin contact, singing to baby, reading to baby, spending time outside and making eye contact with baby during diaper changes.
• Look into the benefits of formula. Whitmore says that her experience with switching to formula at 6 weeks with her daughter helped teach her valuable lessons. “Formula was helping my baby grow and thrive,” she says. She encourages parents to “appreciate the benefits of using formula (for example, others being able to help feed, which meant more sleep at night for me!), and read and understand what high-quality, well-crafted research studies actually show about outcomes between breastfed and formula-fed infants (much less scary and significant than we’re led to believe).”
• Know that it won’t feel this way forever. Right now, it may feel as though everyone’s talking about breastfeeding, from your mom groups to parenting books to your pediatrician. “When you’re in the thick of the newborn and infant stage, this conversation about formula vs. breast milk feels so present and heavy,” says Whitmore. “But one day, your child will be 3 or 5 or 8, and you’ll realize you haven’t given a second thought to how they were fed as a baby in months or years, because it’s just not that important anymore. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel.”

Real Moms on How They Dealt with Guilt About Not Breastfeeding

Like many new parents, Whitmore was hoping to exclusively breastfeed her daughter. She took classes, read books and sought out help from a lactation consultant. “Then she was born preterm, had a weak suck, my milk was delayed coming in, she was losing weight, my connective tissue disorder made pumping difficult (hello, elastic nipples!) and the stress of being unable to feed her successfully quickly led to a postpartum depression diagnosis,” shares Whitmore.

With the encouragement of her primary-care doctor and her daughter’s pediatrician, Whitmore switched to exclusive formula-feeding when her daughter was 6 weeks old. In addition to educating herself about formula-feeding, Whitmore says working with a therapist was a huge help to untangling her complicated emotions throughout the process. “I worried that [my daughter] was going to have lifelong consequences as a result of my ‘failure’—lower IQ, increased risk of disease, all of the scary stuff you read in the ‘breast is best’ information they give you at the hospital,” Whitmore says. “I also felt guilty because I didn’t feel as bad as I thought I should. I felt guilty because giving up breastfeeding also made me feel relieved.”

Ordner says that she felt guilt that she was able to breastfeed her other three children for longer than her first child. “I knew more, had more experience and had better support,” she explains. Ultimately, however, it helped her to think about the bigger picture. “No one’s going to ask whether your child was breastfed on their college entrance application or in a job interview,” she says.

If you’re feeling guilt—or any other strong emotion—over not breastfeeding, there’s plenty of support out there. And it will get easier over time. A final word of wisdom: “Just know that your love isn’t measured in breast milk!” says Ordner.

Please note: The Bump and the materials and information it contains are not intended to, and do not constitute, medical or other health advice or diagnosis and should not be used as such. You should always consult with a qualified physician or health professional about your specific circumstances.