CircleBumpCheckedFilledMedicalBookmarkBookmarkTickBookmarkAddCheckBoxCheckBoxFilled

The Internal Battle Between the SAHM and the Working Mom

It feels like no one is winning.
save article
profile picture of Boomdash
By Boomdash, Boomdash
Published October 2, 2017
woman sitting on bench with laptop next to a baby in a stroller
Image: Shutterstock

The following story, “The Internal Battle Between SAHM and Working Mom” by Alyssa Shelasky was originally published on Boomdash.

I never know where I fit in.

I’m a working mom, who works around-the-clock, from home. But I also don’t have a nanny, so most domestic responsibilities are on me—which often makes me feel like a desperate housewife of the Valium and vacuum cleaner variety. So basically I’m a fulltime-working-mom-housewife. Who wouldn’t change it for the world, blah, blah, blah, dark chocolate.

For the record, I realize that all of us have some sort of grueling, atrocious work-life-guilt mash-up. I’m not so special. There’s a reason every human with a brain and beating heart agrees that motherhood is the hardest job of all.

(For clarity’s sake, even though it’s actually only more confusing: I’m also a Single Mom by Choice…who has a wonderful boyfriend… with whom we live…who I’m now co-parenting with. So I’m not even a single mom anymore, even though those are my people. Yeah, don’t get me started on the identity crisis there!)

Combative relationships between Working Moms and Stay at Home Moms are real. I try not to engage, because I don’t have the stomach for the online Mom mafia, and because I don’t even know whose corner to stand in.

Plus, it’s a battle I’m already exhausted by, as it lives inside my own head. On any given day, these are the conversations I have with myself…

Dear Housewife Me, I know the nicer term is Stay-at-Home Mom, but let’s be real, you are a wife to the house. I feel really, really bad for you. I feel worse for the house—it’s stuck with you, stewing, hating the mop and the chalk and the juice; and let’s discuss the dishes. Are they in heat? How do they breed so quickly? I feel horrible for you, Housewife Me, you’d rather be doing so many other things besides Googling vinaigrette recipes and “How to get turquoise play-dough out of the new neon pink rug.” You’d kill for a daytime movie that wasn’t Moana, a subway ride to nowhere, or a random conversation with a sexy stranger, and yet here you are. Folding laundry. Hoping for a playdate with a Mom who has a drinking problem. Wondering how to hide zucchini in chocolate. Sneaking an eyebrow pluck or deodorant swipe, if you’re lucky, ya rebel.

Related Video

Dear Working Mom Me, you are fierce and the future is female, but I feel really, really bad for you. You have 40-minutes to do four days of work, and you do it, like a beautiful badass, but the outcome is kind of embarrassing. Your work blows. This drive of yours, it used to make you feel so high-powered; now it makes you feel so low-functioning. You stick your kid in front of Moana just so you can do emails, have a Skype meeting, send over the budget and still feel broke. You’re two-timing your family with your work, and two-timing your work with your family, and some days you’re ready to quit everyone, screw everything, and flip houses upstate. But ugggh—who has the energy for that?

Then I snap out of it. As we all do. It only takes the sound of my two-year old’s wee, little creature voice; her questions, “Mama…where’d the soap/birdie/kitty/baby/bike/lolly go?” Her soft, sweet hands dragging me to the bank/potty/library/tomatoes. Her naked bum. Her perfect punim.

And I think: Dear both of you ladies. Basta. Enough. I don’t feel bad for either of you. You have everything. You have the line where the sky meets the sea….and it calls you…and no one knows, how far it goes. (Damn you, Moana!). This is exactly the life you wanted. Now go make lunch, go get paid, and go pray for an epic nap for both of you.

save article
ADVERTISEMENT

Next on Your Reading List

Kristin Davis at the New York Pemiere of "And Just Like That..." A New Chapter of Sex and The City held at MoMA on December 8, 2021 in New York City
Why Moms Are Loving Charlotte's ‘and Just Like That’ Monologue
By Wyndi Kappes
78 Percent of Moms Are Overwhelmed by Pumping at Work
78 Percent of Moms Are Overwhelmed by Pumping at Work
By Wyndi Kappes
mother holding sleeping baby at home
Caregiving Reduces Mom's Lifetime Earnings by 15 Percent, Report Says
By Wyndi Kappes
ADVERTISEMENT
mother working on laptop while holding baby
These Are the Best States for Working Moms in 2023
By Wyndi Kappes
working mother sitting at home with baby and breast pump
What the PUMP Act Means for Working Parents
By Wyndi Kappes
Rory McIlroy of Northern Ireland hugs his daughter Poppy on the ninth hole during the Par 3 Contest prior to the 2023 Masters Tournament at Augusta National Golf Club on April 5, 2023, in Augusta, Georgia
Kids Take the Masters by Storm Dressed as Adorable Caddies
By Wyndi Kappes
mother wearing baby in wrap while working on laptop at home
Study: Parents Work Longer Hours Than Non-Parents Amid Recession Fears
By Wyndi Kappes
ADVERTISEMENT
P!nk attends the 2022 American Music Awards at Microsoft Theater on November 20, 2022 in Los Angeles, California
Balancing Acts: Pink Shares Her Journey as a Rockstar Mom
By Wyndi Kappes
Sanya Richards Ross and family
Olympian Sanya Richards-Ross on Motherhood and Finding Balance
By Nehal Aggarwal
Reps. Dan Goldman, D-N.Y., Jimmy Gomez, D-Calif., Andy Kim, D-N.J., left, and Rashida Tlaib, D-Mich., conduct a news conference to announce the Congressional Dads Caucus outside the U.S. Capitol on Thursday, January 26, 2023
Congress’ New Dads Caucus Advocates for Working Parents
By Wyndi Kappes
ADVERTISEMENT
Shonda Rhimes attends the 2020 Vanity Fair Oscar Party hosted by Radhika Jones at Wallis Annenberg Center for the Performing Arts on February 09, 2020 in Beverly Hills, California.
Shonda Rhimes Shares the Secret Behind How She Does It All
By Wyndi Kappes
MommiNation founders talking at fundraiser event
How MommiNation Is Helping to Empower a Community of Black Moms
By Jen Hayes Lee
Rihanna is seen outside the Dior show, during Paris Fashion Week - Womenswear F/W 2022-2023, on March 01, 2022 in Paris, France
Rihanna Says Being a Mom Pushed Her to Perform at the Super Bowl
By Wyndi Kappes
ADVERTISEMENT
mother working from home with baby on lap
New Report Explores if Remote Work Is Really Working for Parents
By Wyndi Kappes
wood desk at the texas state capitol
Moms Are Largely Missing From the Law-Making Arena, New Report Reveals
By Wyndi Kappes
pregnant woman working from home at desk in bedroom
Remote Work May Have Led to a Mini Baby Boom, Study Says
By Wyndi Kappes
gabrielle union and dwyane wade smiling with their daughter
Gabrielle Union and Dwyane Wade Champion Community at Home and Work
By Ashlee Neuman
ADVERTISEMENT
Amanda Kloots and her son, Elvis
Amanda Kloots Talks About Life as a Single Mom and Multi-Hyphenate
By Lauren Kay
Meghan Markle and Serena Williams
Meghan Markle & Serena Williams Talk Ambition and Motherhood on New Podcast
By Wyndi Kappes
Alyson Felix and Daughter running on the track together
Allyson Felix’s Last Race With Her Daughter Bookends a Legacy of Change
By Wyndi Kappes
ADVERTISEMENT
Article removed.
Article removed.
Name added. View Your List