CircleBumpCheckedFilledMedicalBookmarkBookmarkTickBookmarkAddCheckBoxCheckBoxFilled

Beyond Mom and Dad: How to Choose Your Name as a Nonbinary Parent

Here's how to get creative when traditional gendered terms just don't cut it.
save article
profile picture of Beni Tobin
Published June 5, 2024
NEW!
non binary parent holding baby in a field
Image: MajaMitrovic | Getty Images

As a transmasculine nonbinary parent, I almost always prefer gender-neutral or masculine labels. However, there’s one exception: My children still call me “mom.” When asked why, I like to recall Albert from the 1996 comedy classic The Birdcage. Albert represents everything that I conceive motherhood to be for myself—a parenting relationship built on a nurturing presence, combined with a femininity that transcends gender. When Val introduces Albert as his mother to his fiancée and her homophobic parents, I always see a commonality between their parent-child relationship and my dynamic with my kids.

In a culture where our language surrounding parenthood relies on strict binaries, nonbinary parents face a unique challenge. We don’t have a universal term that reflects the nuances of our gender identity and our parental relationship with our children. A study from the Williams Institute reports that in the US, 19 percent of transgender adults are parents, with one-third of that population identifying as nonbinary. Knowing there are so many of us sends an optimistic message to my fellow nonbinary parents: You’re not alone in trying to find a parenting label that feels right to you, and there’s a community behind you who can help.

Unlike other terms associated with womanhood, such as “wife,” “sister” and "daughter,” the title of “mother” has always felt gender-neutral to me: a role to play within a parental structure. But for other nonbinary parents, using traditionally gendered terms like “mom” and “dad” can feel dysphoric. Whether you’re nonbinary and stepping into parenthood for the first time, or you’ve recently come out and would like to use a title that feels right for you and your family, here are some tips from fellow nonbinary folks on how to choose a parent name that feels affirming.

Related Video

1. Modify Binary Terms or Create Something Gender-Neutral

If you have a more fluid relationship with your gender, consider combining binary terms to reflect that fluidity. Emi, who’s nonbinary and genderfluid, offers “Moddy, as a combination of mommy and daddy; and Mapa, as a combination of mama and papa.” Kai suggests Nommy—a nonbinary “mommy”—and Renty, a casual take on “parent.”

2. Use Your Name as Inspiration

“NiNi is the term that I’ll be using when we welcome our child in a few weeks!” says Nicholas Prosini, a teacher, activist and educator. “The term is unique to me, and that is very affirming. I decided on it because one of my sixth-grade students gave me ‘NiNi’ as a nickname. It’s the last two letters of my last name and the first two letters of my first name.”

Other nonbinary parents have turned to their middle names and childhood nicknames, choosing parenting titles as individual to them as their gender identity. Your name is already one of the most personal titles you’ll ever have, and you can embrace that as a parent as well.

3. Look to Fiction

Sometimes, gender-nonconforming and nonbinary people find kinship in characters from movies, television, books, video games and more. One of my personal favorites is my partner Spot’s choice: Moogie from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. You can even choose a favorite character’s title like Captain, Chief or Doc.

The beauty of using a fictional character as your parenting title is deciding which traits fit you and your parenting style best. You could be a Binx, a Tigger or a Snarf. The possibilities are endless.

4. Ask your Kids

If you’re thinking of changing your parenting title to better reflect your nonbinary identity, ask for your kids’ input on labels you’re thinking of using. Perhaps they have ideas on titles you can use or have nicknames they already use for you that aren’t related to a binary term. Finding a parenting title together could give your child an opportunity to bond with you and support your gender identity.

5. Give Yourself the Freedom to Experiment

You may not land on a parenting term that feels right to you on your first try. That’s okay! You may want to give a few labels a try before settling on one that fits you best. As humans, our relationship to our identity is always changing and expanding. This is true of parenting as well. As I’ve been taking gender-affirming steps recently, I regularly ask myself if “mom” still fits me and how my kids relate to me as their parent. I like to leave the possibility open that “mom” might not be the parenting term I use forever.

Being a parent is a fulfilling and important identity on its own. You deserve to feel affirmed and proud in that identity—wherever you fall on the gender spectrum.

Sources

Williams Institute, 19% of Transgender Adults in the US Are Parents, October 2020

Learn how we ensure the accuracy of our content through our editorial and medical review process.

save article
ADVERTISEMENT

Next on Your Reading List

LGBTQ+ founded brands to support the community
LGBTQ+-Founded Brands That Celebrate Individuality, Equality and Love
By Nehal Aggarwal
LGBTQ dads reading to daughters at home
11 Organizations That Support LGBTQ+ Families
By Nehal Aggarwal
two moms playing with baby at home
Why Second Parent Adoption Is Important for LGBTQ+ Families
Fact Checked by G. O’Hara
ADVERTISEMENT
parents sitting with baby during play time in nursery
What You Need to Know About Gender-Neutral Parenting
Fact Checked by G. O’Hara
Terrell and Jarius Joseph smiling with their children
TikTok Dads Terrell and Jarius Joseph on Shattering Stereotypes and More
By Natalie Gontcharova
family's hands with rainbow pride bracelets
9 Pride Month Collections From Brands That Give Back to LGBTQ Causes
By Wyndi Kappes
LGBTQ couple with their baby
What LGBTQ+ Parents Can Do for a Better Pregnancy Experience
By Nehal Aggarwal
ADVERTISEMENT
Amit Shah and Aditya Madiraju pregnancy announcement
Couple Who Went Viral for Desi Wedding Are Expecting Their First Baby
By Wyndi Kappes
two moms embracing
These Two Moms Just Want to Be Listed on Their Child’s Birth Certificate
By Wyndi Kappes
LGBTQ family walking in the park on a sunny day
These Are the Best States for LGBTQ+ Families
By Wyndi Kappes
ADVERTISEMENT
Jose Rolon headshot by Phillip Van Nostrand
TikTok Star José Rolón Opens Up About Parenting as a Single Gay Dad
By Ashlee Neuman
baby's feet pictured during breastfeeding
Transgender Woman Is the First to Breastfeed Her Baby
By Anisa Arsenault
9 Things You Didn’t Know About Being a Lesbian Mom
9 Things You Didn’t Know About Being a Lesbian Mom
By Jen Bauer
ADVERTISEMENT
adrienne bailon and son
Adrienne Bailon-Houghton on Being a New Mom, Her Fashion Line—and Group Chats With Kourtney Kardashian
By Natalie Gontcharova
mom disciplining toddler at home
Moms Share Parenting Things They’re ‘Done With’ in Viral Video
By Wyndi Kappes
mom and dad walking with baby stroller through park
These Are the Best US Cities to Raise a Family in 2024, Study Says
By Wyndi Kappes
Busy Phillips on the TODAY show Wednesday, May 1, 2024
Busy Philipps Says Her ADHD Treatment Has Helped Her Be a Better Mom
By Wyndi Kappes
ADVERTISEMENT
 Ilana Glazer and Michelle Buteau attend "Babes" Special Screening & Reception at The West Hollywood EDITION on May 09, 2024
Babes on Babes: Michelle Buteau and Ilana Glazer on the Daily Wins and Woes of Parenting
By Lauren Barth
Sophie Turner attends 2023 Vanity Fair Oscar After Party Arrivals at Wallis Annenberg Center for the Performing Arts on March 12, 2023 in Beverly Hills, California
Sophie Turner Opens Up on Her Experiences With Mom-Shaming
By Nehal Aggarwal
tired mother kissing newborn baby
The 8 Key Moments You Need to Survive in Your First Year of Parenthood
By Kathryn Smith
ADVERTISEMENT
Article removed.
Article removed.
Name added. View Your List