How to Cope With the Terrible Twos—Tips From Pediatricians and Parents

My son was never the kind of toddler who threw those intense, laying-on-the-ground screaming tantrums in public. In fact, most people thought of him as a pretty easygoing kid. But it felt like a total ruse to me—because practically every afternoon when he’d come home from daycare between the ages of 2 and 3, the so-called terrible twos would emerge and the tiniest thing (he suddenly hates pasta for dinner, he wants the blue cup only, I helped him take his shoes off) would send him spiraling into an epic meltdown.

At the time I worried that he might have some kind of behavioral issue. But as I racked up more parenting experience, I came to learn that the intense mood swings were a normal part of the terrible twos.

If you’ve got a toddler at home (or you’ve ever seen one in the wild!), some of this might sound familiar—or maybe not. While the terrible-twos stage is common, it’s not a universal experience. Still, you might be wondering if it’ll start, what it looks like and how to get a handle on things. Read on to make sense of your 2-year-old’s bewildering antics—plus, find some strategies for coping, straight from experts and real parents.

Key Takeaways

• The terrible-twos phase is developmentally normal. Toddlers are learning independence, testing boundaries and figuring out how to communicate.
• Big emotions stem from limited communication. Toddlers know what they want but don’t yet have the skills to express it or regulate their reactions, which can lead to frustration.
• Not all toddlers experience this stage the same way. The intensity and timing can vary based on temperament, but most children go through some version of boundary-testing.
• Consistent, calm responses are key. Strategies like offering limited choices, setting clear boundaries and acknowledging feelings can help your toddler learn what’s acceptable in an age-appropriate way.
• Remember, it’s a phase. As toddlers develop better communication and self-control, tantrums and defiance typically ease, especially with consistent guidance from caregivers.

What Are the Terrible Twos?

The terrible twos are a normal but challenging phase where a toddler tests boundaries and pushes buttons—namely yours. Around age 2 is when toddlers usually hit key developmental milestones, including communicating in two- or three-word sentences, walking, climbing and understanding concrete concepts like “mine,” “no” and “bad,” explains Betsy Brown Braun, a child education and behavioral specialist and author of You’re Not the Boss of Me.

As a result, you and your child enter the throes of the terrible twos—characterized by a toddler’s defiant behavior, including saying “no,” hitting, kicking, biting or ignoring rules. And it’s not actually confined to age 2, by the way. For some, this rough patch can start as early as just after a first birthday, and for others it may not set in until a child is 3 years old.

At its root, classic terrible-twos behavior is all about exploring limits, asserting independence and figuring out how to communicate wants and needs. Your toddler may also realize that sometimes their desires differ from yours. This can result in a push-and-pull dynamic—and some not-so-fun moments for you and your little one, but, ultimately, it’s a good thing.

“When a child is testing boundaries, it’s his way of figuring out right from wrong,” says Dr. Robin Jacobson, MD, clinical assistant professor of pediatrics at Children’s Hospital at NYU Langone in New York City.

In other words, it’s a learning experience, and even in the midst of their biggest, loudest, most spectator-attracting temper tantrums, your toddler is looking to you for guidance and support.

So while the terrible twos may be every bit as terrible as you imagined, learning what actually sparks this phase and why it’s such a crucial part of growing up will ultimately help you and your child get through these tough moments.

Do All Toddlers Go Through the Terrible Twos?

Terrible-twos behavior is completely normal for toddlers. But just how intense this period is depends on your child’s unique temperament. “Think of toddlers’ regulation and emotional volatility as a bell curve,” says Dr. Sarah Bren, PhD, a clinical psychologist and co-founder and executive clinical director of Upshur Bren Psychology Group in Pelham, New York. “Most kids will fall somewhere in the middle, feeling their feelings and moving on. Then you’ll have kids who are super sensitive on one tail end, and on the other, kids who have a high tolerance for distress and are more flexible.”

How you frame your child’s stubborn phase plays a part too. While a flailing toddler is never fun to deal with, viewing their behavior as developmentally appropriate can make it feel a little less—well— terrible. “If we can look at it as, my kid is having a hard time with this, and you’re noticing what you can control in the situation, you’ll feel less helplessness and more empowerment,” says Dr. Bren.

What Causes the Terrible Twos?

There’s no one specific cause for the terrible twos—it’s just a part of growing up! Although exhausting (likely for both of you), the terrible-twos phase is a normal part of development and a sign that your toddler has achieved some pretty major developmental milestones.

“They’re really smart at this stage,” Dr. Jacobson says. “Around age 2 is when they’re getting better at walking, jumping, talking and being understood, and also when they begin to emulate what others are doing. They want to help clean, talk on the phone, wash their hands and follow adult routines. But they still don’t know what’s unsafe, which is why they may test boundaries.”

They’re also gauging their independence: Toddlers want to do things on their own, but they also want someone to be close by watching them and may not have the language to communicate this. For example, they may want to put on their socks by themselves, but they want you to watch—or they want you to help but only by pulling the fabric over their toes. And if you don’t meet their exact expectations? Watch out.

Signs That the Terrible Twos Have Hit

There will be signs! Of course, the terrible-twos can be different for every toddler and every family, but here are some clues you may be dealing with this challenging phase.

• Frustration over not being fully understood. You’re not a mind reader, and this can be incredibly infuriating for a toddler. Similarly, they may want something that’s literally impossible—like you to put the sun away.
• Kicking, biting or hitting. Because toddlers may not have the words to express themselves and are still developing impulse control, they may lash out physically. “When our toddler couldn’t understand that we were unable to restart the music once the phone battery went out, she kicked, clawed and screamed—and then ran off, removing her swim bottoms and throwing them in a bush while continuing to scream,” recalls Sarah H., a mom of two from the United Kingdom.
• Tantrums. Crying, wailing or throwing themselves on the floor are common elements of a terrible-twos temper tantrum. “My 2-year-old’s tantrums were so bad that people would stare at us in the streets, like I was a kidnapper,” recalls Ashley W., a mom of one from Arlington, Texas.
• Saying “no” on repeat. Even if the “no” doesn’t make sense in the situation (like when you’re offering a favorite dessert or toy), toddlers tend to overuse this phrase while they’re learning the power the word holds.
• Territorial fighting. At this stage, experts say that toddlers are learning the concept of ownership (aka “mine”). Because of that, they may become very territorial.

How Long Do the Terrible Twos Last?

This phase can last from age one to age 4, depending on the kid, says Dr. Ari Brown, MD, a pediatrician based in Austin, Texas, and the co-author of Toddler 411.

Once your child is better able to understand rules, communicate what they want and realize that being handed the wrong color cup isn’t the end of the world, the terrible twos will give way to a slightly less challenging moment–hopefully!

That said, how long the terrible twos last also depends on how you handle your child’s behavior. “Children need to learn consistency, which means that everyone, including caregivers, are on the same page,” Dr. Jacobson says. Developing strategies to deal with meltdowns, hitting or temper tantrums can ensure that the behavior will pass quickly.

How to “Get Through” the Terrible Twos

First off, take a deep breath. While dealing with the terrible twos isn’t easy, coming up with a plan and sticking to it can stave off meltdowns and other trying behaviors. It’s also important to remember that your child’s challenging behavior is developmentally appropriate. They’re figuring out the world around them. Read on to learn how to devise an approach to terrible-twos discipline.

Stay calm

“Think of these moments as a teaching opportunity. You can’t teach by scaring or intimidating your child,” Braun says. “You have to be calm, rational and not take things personally. You’re the adult in charge, and your toddler is looking to you.” You can’t regulate your kid if you’re not regulated yourself.

Offer (limited) choices

Experts and parents agree that it’s possible to anticipate trigger points for your child and nip tantrums in the bud. “What I’ve found really helpful is limiting options,” says Yvonne, a mom to a 2-year-old. “I’ll ask my daughter, ‘Do you want to wear your pink Crocs or purple jellies?’ That way she has a choice but isn’t overwhelmed.”

On the other hand, it’s also fine to just make the decision for your toddler if you sense they’re nearing their limit and maybe riding on the edge of a meltdown. “Choices create cognitive load, which can be problematic when your kid is trying to keep it together and is overstimulated,” Dr. Bren says.

Share what’s happening and when

Giving your toddler a sense of what’s happening—and what’s to come—is another smart move. “Toddlers don’t know the timeline and have plans of their own, so you can help them anticipate next steps,” Braun says. In other words, don’t spring an immediate playground departure on them—give a heads up and several gentle reminders as going-home time approaches.

Read the room (aka your toddler’s mood)

Anticipate your toddler’s emotional state and avoid overwhelming them with activities and options, especially if they’ve had a busy day. If you’re tired and hungry, you may feel a little snappish. The same is true for a toddler, Braun says. By “reading the room,” and adjusting accordingly, you can stave off tantrums before they start.

Acknowledge their feelings

If your toddler is throwing a tantrum because you’re leaving something fun, validate their emotions, Braun says. You can also mimic their emotions without mocking them. Not only does this help them put words to their big feelings, but it’s also showing them it’s okay to feel a range of emotions at the same time.

Distract your toddler

Sometimes the best course of action is simply shifting a toddler’s focus to something else. Stacy, mom to a 2-year-old, finds coming up with games on the fly works best when her son breaks down and refuses to put on a diaper. “It’s exhausting, but I’ll use funny voices and put a diaper on his stuffed animal,” she says. “Then I’ll ask him to help. He loves helping, so he’ll calm down and forget about his anger.”

Use positive reinforcement

If a toddler is always pulling your cat’s tail, comment on how well they’re doing when they play gently and nicely to reinforce the good behavior. This makes them feel good and helps discourage the less desirable behavior.

Real Parents on Tales of the Terrible Twos

Your child isn’t the only one who loses it over the smallest things, and often in public…really. As these stories show, toddler meltdowns happen to all of us.

Debbie R., a mom of two in Walnut Creek, California

“My 2-year-old son and I went to the market on our way home after work, where I let him push his own child-sized shopping cart. Likely tired after a full day at preschool, he was wild and spinning the cart all around, continuing even after I scolded and threatened repeatedly to take the cart away. I cringed, tensing up inside. Quickly trying to get the things we needed, we went to the check out stand and got in line. But it got worse. He ran away from me and decided to lie down right in front of someone else’s shopping cart. Horrified, I picked him up, and he started to scream and cry. I got help out from a kind grocer: There’s goodwill in the world”.

Sydney D., a mom of one in Island Park, New York

“He wanted ‘gurt’ (yogurt) from the fridge, despite having a ‘gurt’ already in his hand. I showed him that they were the same and even swapped out containers to give him the one he wanted (exact same flavors). Even upon swapping, he stood at the fridge screaming and crying. I walked a few feet away to let him have some space to feel his feelings,and he promptly threw the yogurt in the dog bowl full of water, making a huge mess, and proceeded to cry harder. As I consoled him, I offered him another yogurt, and he said ‘pees’ (please) and enjoyed a new one (again, same flavor) with a smile.”

Astitt04, community forum member on The Bump and mom

My 2-year-old definitely has tantrums, but honestly they don’t annoy me much. The whining is what gets to me! When she has a tantrum in public, I just make sure that others can see I’m trying to comfort her. I don’t do anything drastic like leaving the store, etc. because I don’t think it’ll help the situation. I usually just rub her back, whisper in her ear and wait for it to pass.

When to Reach Out for Help

If you feel like you or your toddler is struggling, it may be time to enlist some outside assistance. “Parents think they should only loop in their pediatrician for medical issues, but we’re also trained in child development and behavior issues,” Dr. Brown says. Don’t be afraid to ask for some terrible-twos advice.

To Sum It Up

The terrible-twos stage is normal and common. Your toddler will test limits, assert independence and have big feelings they can’t always express. While the nonstop “no’s” and meltdowns can be exhausting (for everyone), they’re actually a sign that your little one is learning and growing. So stay calm, set consistent boundaries and remember to breathe. You’ll both get through this!

How We Developed This Article

As parents who’ve been there, dealt with that—we know that the terrible twos can be challenging to say the least. But a little perspective and some expert (and real-parent) opinions make the toddler drama a little less—well, dramatic! To get you the information and tips you wanted, we reached out to two pediatricians, a clinical psychologist and a child education and behavioral specialist. We also chatted with five real parents about their toddler’s bout with the terrible twos, and scoured The Bump forums and social media for more stories, opinions and words of wisdom. Finally, this article was thoroughly fact-checked and reviewed by our pediatrician adviser. Learn how we ensure the accuracy of our content through our editorial and medical review process.

About the author: Marygrace Taylor is a mom to a 7-year-old—who survived the “terrible twos” with a lot of bread baking, guitar playing and a very strong reliance on her local community of parents. As a health and parenting writer for 15 years, Marygrace translates the chaos of toddlerhood into practical, expert-backed advice. Her work has appeared in Women’s Health, Good Housekeeping, Prevention and Parade.

Please note: The Bump and the materials and information it contains are not intended to, and do not constitute, medical or other health advice or diagnosis and should not be used as such. You should always consult with a qualified physician or health professional about your specific circumstances.