How To Raise a Kind and Empathetic Child, According to Experts

It’s pretty hard for a young child to wrap their tiny head around the concepts of kindness and empathy. “Kindness is a big concept for little kids,” says Corinne Eggleston, PhD, the manager of early childhood development research at the Fisher-Price Play Lab. “Empathy, perspective—where to start?”

“Research shows that young children are self-focused; their understanding of perspective (other than their own) is still developing,” Eggleston explains. That said, little ones start to show signs of kindness as early as toddlerhood (ever seen your child hug someone on their own or share a toy with a friend?).

Still, as parents we want to do what we can to ensure that our kids are on the right track to becoming responsible and caring humans. So how can you do your part to raise a kind child? And how can you teach them to respond to others with empathy? Experts say this work starts at home. “When a child learns kindness and empathy at home, they learn how to validate other people’s feelings and experiences. This leads to stronger friendships and relationships later on,” says Cindy Hovington, PhD, founder of Curious Neuron. Below, a few strategies to help foster kindness in the youngest of kids.

Discuss What Kindness Means to You

The first step in teaching your child to be kind is defining exactly what that means to you and how it relates to your family values. “Many parents talk about wanting kind, compassionate kids, but they don’t take the time to reflect on what this means for them,” Hovington notes.

True kindness is more than just being “nice,” says Amy Jackson, chief early learning strategy officer at Primrose Schools. “Raising a kind and empathetic child means fostering an awareness of others’ feelings and encouraging actions that reflect care and respect. It’s about teaching children to recognize emotions in themselves and others and respond with understanding.” Perhaps you want your child to be able to recognize when someone’s upset and comfort them. Or you want them to be able to advocate for others who can’t advocate for themselves. Whatever kindness means to you, define it in actionable and applicable ways. “Kindness—and empathy—are active,” Jackson notes. “I think about it like any muscle: When a child pauses to comfort a friend or wonders out loud how someone else might be feeling, they’re stretching and strengthening that muscle.”

Model the Behavior You Want to See

“I know this sounds cliche, but it does start with you, the parent,” Hovington says. “If you have a very young child, start by noticing kind and empathetic gestures others do for you or your child.” Little ones are like sponges, and they absorb much more than we think. They notice all your mannerisms, how you interact with others, how you treat them and how you treat yourself. If you want your child to grow up to be kind and empathetic, a big way to achieve that goal is to model the behavior yourself. “Show kindness consistently in different forms and explain to children that it’s a conscious choice,” Jackson says.

When you encounter these kind gestures in your daily life, be sure to point them out to your toddler. You can say something like, “Wasn’t it so kind of that lady to hold the door for me?” Similarly, point out these acts in the books you read and TV shows you watch with your little one, Eggleston adds. The more examples you give, the easier it’ll be for them to understand the concept.

Do Some Self-Introspection

While it’s important to point out the “good” examples to your child, it’s also important to take note of the not-so-good ones. Perhaps you swore at a car who cut you off, or maybe you were rushing and didn’t hold the door open for someone behind you. Or you struggled to be as empathic as you would have liked during your child’s latest tantrum. (It happens—you’re only human!)

In these circumstances, it’s important to show yourself empathy because, ultimately, practicing self-love is a generational cycle that leads to more kindness for everyone. Hovington notes many parents she works with struggle with self-compassion, but are surprised when they see their child struggling with it too. “If our child is not experiencing this empathy or compassion from us directly, they’ll struggle to learn and apply it themselves,” she explains.

Create Opportunities for Kindness and Praise

There are several ways to help your child practice kindness and empathy. Eggleston says one of the best ways is through pretend play. “The act of play can aid in key social and emotional development, including learning conversational skills, developing a sense of security and learning how to share,” she explains. When you play together, ask your tot questions about how they think their toys feel. For example say something like, “Uh-oh! Your doll isn’t sharing with her friend! How do you think her friend feels? How does your doll feel?”

Donating toys, writing kind notes to loved ones and doing age-appropriate community service together also teaches your child how to care for others. “These small acts reinforce that kindness isn’t just an idea—it’s something we do,” Jackson says. “And when your child shows compassion, make sure to acknowledge it! A simple, ‘That was really thoughtful of you,’ goes a long way in reinforcing positive behavior.”

Eggleston agrees that offering praise to your child is a great way to help them understand what it means to be kind. “Besides reinforcing the behavior, it will set an expectation that kindness is important to you,” she adds. “Also, your praise serves as a good example of being kind. Show them how to be kind to themselves.”

Set Realistic and Age-Appropriate Expectations

Even after you define what kindness means to you, know that it might take your little one some time to get the hang of it. Children don’t usually understand how to look at situations from someone else’s point of view until they’re around 5 or 6 years old, Hovington says. “Many parents I work with have unrealistic expectations for their children… They expect an 18-month-old to share their toys at the park, and if they don’t, they worry they haven’t raised a kind child.” However, young children are still learning how to regulate their own emotions and may not be able to pick up on someone else’s. “Validate their emotions and help them regulate disappointment or frustration. This is all part of teaching our kids kindness and empathy,” Hovington adds.

While it’ll take some time for your child to build on these skills, the best way to get them to where you want them to be is by letting them practice. “When they don’t show kindness or empathy in a situation, rather than getting upset or giving them a consequence, take some time to revisit this situation with them,” Hovington says. Help them understand the perspective of the other person and discuss ways they can do better next time.

“It’s also so important to remember that no child—or adult—is kind and empathetic all the time,” Jackson adds. In these instances, it’s a great time to ask them questions about how they were feeling when they reacted in an “unkind” manner. When your child is met with curiosity, rather than shame or discipline, they’ll have a better relationship with themselves and others.