Reclaiming the Parts of Yourself You “Lost” in Early Motherhood

When I became a single mom of three children under the age of 5, I thought I knew the script. Focus on the kids. Hold it all together. Be everything to everyone else.

I told myself that my moment would come later. In the meantime, I’d have to press pause on the parts of myself that fueled my soul: the ambitious CEO, the carefree traveler, the loyal friend, the lover, the creative spirit. I understood that my “Caregiver” character had to be the main attraction for a while.

Of course, I quickly learned that my multifaceted storyline couldn’t thrive with only one character at the helm. And so I had to find a way to reclaim my full inner cast, and give each character the opportunity to shine—without guilt or apology.

Why Motherhood Shrinks Our Cast of Characters

Motherhood is immersive. From the moment you hold your child, your Caregiver character kicks into overdrive: feeding, soothing, scheduling, worrying. Society cheers this on. We’re handed invisible gold stars when we “do it all” for our families, even as we disappear in the process.

But when one character hogs the spotlight for too long, it creates—what I’ve dubbed—“toxic grit,” the exhausting state where perseverance turns into pressure, and resilience becomes resentment.

Your other characters—the ones who once kept you vibrant and whole—start to shrink and atrophy. The good news: They may be dormant but they’re still very much a part of the movie of your life. You just need to write them back into the script. Here’s how.

Name your characters

Naming my inner characters gave me the language I needed to identify what I was missing in my life. (“My Lover character hasn’t had screen time in months!”)

Ready to get some of that back? Write down all the characters you can think of who’ve shown up at different stages of your life. Next, highlight the ones that feel most neglected. This is your starting point for action.

Notice when the “Caregiver” overstays her welcome

No denying it: Your Caregiver character is vital. She keeps your kids healthy and well. But she doesn’t need to dominate every scene. Start noticing the moments when she barges in unnecessarily: when you say no to a girls’ night because you feel guilty leaving your partner with bedtime duties; when you skip a workout because the laundry pile keeps growing; when you decline intimacy because you’re mentally stuck in “mom mode.”

When you see this part of you overreaching, pause and ask yourself: “Does this actually serve my family—or is this simply habit setting in?” Often, the answer will surprise you.

Give your other characters “micro moments”

As it happens, reclaiming the “lost” parts of yourself doesn’t have to be grand or overt. It can be subtle and quiet. Satisfy your inner athlete by rolling out a yoga mat for 10 minutes before pickup. Find your lover persona by spontaneously kissing your partner. Tap your creative self by listening to a podcast on a subject that’s always fascinated you while you fold laundry. These tiny acts will remind you that your diverse cast of inner characters is far from gone.

Schedule a few “guest-star” appearances

Here’s where intention meets practice. Invest some solid time in one of your characters each month. Sign up for a cooking class to bring back your inner chef. Block two hours on your calendar for coffee with a friend. Book a sitter so you and your partner can go on a real date night. Treat these activities as non-negotiable investments in yourself.

Honor the transition

Naming your characters and giving them little cameos feels energizing, but finding space for all of them and shifting between roles in real life can be messy.

One minute you’re in full Caregiver mode—packing lunches, answering school emails and managing meltdowns—and the next you’re trying to step into the of Lover. That gear-shift doesn’t always happen gracefully. You’ll find yourself thinking about the pediatrician appointment you haven’t yet made while dining out with a partner.

This is when it’s important to take a deliberate pause to set your intention. Assess which character you’re in and which you want to transition to, then build a routine to help you get there.

For example, I value a post-commute bath as a character transition. My kids know I take a bath every day after work to switch out of “CEO mode” and get into “Mom mode.”

Rewrite the story of what good motherhood looks like

We’ve been sold a story that good mothers sacrifice endlessly. That if we step away—even for joy—we’re selfish. But the truth is: Your kids need a mother who is whole. They need to see you modeling what it looks like to be fully alive, not just fully available.

Reclaiming your other characters isn’t abandoning your role as a parent or caregiver. It’s showing your children how to build a life that’s rich and layered. Because, when you invite your other characters back into the picture, you don’t just become a better mom—you become a fuller human.

About the author: Amanda Goetz is an entrepreneur, marketing executive and mom of three. In her new book Toxic Grit: How to Have It All and (Actually) Love What You Have, she seeks to inspire people to create space for all the roles they play in life.