CircleBumpCheckedFilledMedicalBookmarkBookmarkTickBookmarkAddCheckBoxCheckBoxFilled

Why We Need to Admit That Motherhood Is Grueling

“The biggest support we can give each other is to have honest discussions about what it’s truly like being a mom.”
save article
profile picture of Heather Stachowiak Brown
By Heather Stachowiak Brown, Contributing Writer
Published June 22, 2017
exhausted mom drinking coffee with toddler nearby at home
Image: Ana Tavares

So there I was, mesh underwear around my knees, peri bottle in hand, squatting over the hospital room’s toilet. I could hear my son’s determined newborn cry as I tried—and failed—to soothe him with shushes from the bathroom. It was my first night alone with my firstborn, Fox. I remember thinking: So this is motherhood.

Ever since my son was born, mom life has been a far cry from mommy blogger perfection. You know, that picture of a well-groomed, well-rested mother in a chic, spotless kitchen baking cookies from scratch with her well-behaved kids, all smiles, giggles and fun, all the time. These are the images and messages women are fed daily, by ads, movies, TV shows, even the images we ourselves post to social media.

So why don’t we air out our “dirty laundry” on what it’s truly like to be a mother? Because that’s just it—the truth feels dirty. (It isn’t!) The rollercoaster of emotions, the lack of self-care, the moments of sheer insanity, the nostalgia for pre-baby life—it feels wrong to express all of these feelings. (It isn’t!) Admitting that motherhood is not effortless for us, that it’s a grueling, forever race that leaves us exhausted most days, is scary. It leaves us wide open for others to label us as ungrateful, or worse, unnurturing and unmaternal. So instead of sharing these feelings, we bury them deep in the caverns of our minds so we don’t reveal life’s deepest, darkest secret: Motherhood is not easy.

If motherhood had a Facebook page, its permanent relationship status would be “it’s complicated.” Just because I used to stare at other people’s babies on the train while daydreaming about being a mom doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes yearn for a day all to myself now that I am a mom. Just because I chose and love being a stay-at-home mom doesn’t mean I don’t need that glass of wine promptly at 5 p.m. And just because I babywear and breastfeed and live for that closeness doesn’t mean I don’t do a happy dance (a silent, motionless happy dance) when Fox goes down for a nap. The more we speak up about this reality of motherhood, the more we chip away at the falsities attached to it.

Related Video

I remember way back in middle school (when asking a question in class felt like you were bearing your soul), a teacher told me never to be afraid to ask a question in class because I’d not only be advocating for myself, I’d also be advocating for the other students who were too fearful to ask themselves. When it comes to talking about motherhood, we all need to take this advice to heart.

When I was pregnant with Fox, I’d proudly declare that my plan was to have four children. Most veteran mothers would smirk and say, “Just have the first one and then see how you feel.” I was thankful for these comments—they were the beginnings of real talk. But they didn’t go far enough. Because the biggest support we can give each other is to have open and honest discussions about what it’s truly like being a mom, and to share the good, but also the bad and the ugly. Maybe then we’ll see that it’s all a part of the fabric of motherhood, and that the hard days (or weeks or even years) are nothing to be ashamed of.

Speak The Truth! Free The Mama! I’d buy that t-shirt.

So let’s be honest in our struggles. Let’s tell the mother next to us that, no, motherhood is not effortless for us, no matter what it looks like on Instagram. That sometimes mothering is too much and we wish we could go back in time to when we had no responsibilities. That we miss our wrinkle-free skin and bag-free eyes. Don’t be surprised when she nods and says, “Me too, sister. Me too.”

Heather Stachowiak Brown is a writer born and raised in New York City. She is the founder of a life and style blog called What Mama Wears and prides herself on being a style poet and sisterhood activist. Heather lives in Upstate New York with her husband, their baby boy, Fox, and two rescue pups, Olive and Goose. She loves mac and cheese, donuts and anything cotton candy-flavored. Follow her on Instagram at @whatmamawears

save article
ADVERTISEMENT

Next on Your Reading List

dad and daughter drawing at home
How Dads Can Help Boost Their Child’s Early Educational Success
By Wyndi Kappes
US actor Josh Duhamel (L) and his wife US model Audra Mari pose during a photocall for the Golden Nymph Awards ceremony of the 62nd Monte-Carlo Television Festival in the principalty of Monaco on June 20, 2023
Josh Duhamel’s Son Axl Has Adorable Reaction to New Big Brother Role
By Wyndi Kappes
ms rachel stands up to body shamer
Ms. Rachel Stands Up to Body Shamers in New Video
By Wyndi Kappes
ADVERTISEMENT
happy family walking in city
These Top 15 Family-Friendly Cities Offer Amazing Outdoor Spaces
By Wyndi Kappes
family-halloween-costumes-HERO
Spooktacular Family Halloween Costumes
By Martina Garvey
daddy daughter target date
Adorable Daddy/Daughter Date at Target Melts Hearts in Viral TikTok
By Wyndi Kappes
parents on laptop and phone while sitting in bed at home
Parenting Trends: Are You a Bedroom or Living Room Parent?
By Wyndi Kappes
ADVERTISEMENT
mother and father cuddling newborn baby in hospital bed after labor and delivery
36 Amazing Push Present Ideas to Make a New Mom Feel Loved
By Cassie Kreitner
tia mowry and children
Tia Mowry Gives the Pep Talk All Moms Need to Hear
By Wyndi Kappes
gifts-for-pregnant-friend-HERO
27 Gifts for Pregnant Women That Are Cute and Congratulatory
By Caroline Dweck
ADVERTISEMENT
Ashley Graham Jokes About Summer Zoo Visit and Talks Mom Guilt
Ashley Graham Jokes About Summer Zoo Visit and Talks Mom Guilt
By Wyndi Kappes
bluey tv show taking a break after season 3
Bluey Is Going on a Break: Writers Plan Hiatus After Season Three
By Wyndi Kappes
gerber baby 2023 maddie mendoza
Meet 2023 Gerber Baby and Chief Growing Officer Madison Mendoza
By Wyndi Kappes
ADVERTISEMENT
Mike The Situation and Lauren Sorrentino
Mike and Lauren Sorrentino on Their Parenting Situation
By Lauren Barth
broadway husbands Bret Shuford and Stephen Hanna kissing their baby son
The Broadway Husbands Talk Surrogacy and Dad Life
By Lauren Barth
Priyanka Chopra and her husband musician Nick Jonas pose for pictures during the inauguration of the Cultural Centre (NMACC) at the Jio World Centre (JWC) in Mumbai on March 31, 2023
Why Nick Jonas Plans to Celebrate His Wife on Father's Day
By Wyndi Kappes
two gay dads having fun with their daughter outside during the summer time
What Parenting With Pride Means to 14 LGBTQ+ Parents
By Lauren Barth
ADVERTISEMENT
New Sibling Gift Ideas-hero
The 30 Sweetest Gifts for Siblings From Baby
By Martina Garvey
Last Minute Fathers Day Gifts-hero
33 Last-Minute Father's Day Gifts That’ll Arrive Right on Time
By Martina Garvey
Ryan Gosling and Margo Robbie attend the red carpet promoting the upcoming film "Barbie" at the Warner Bros. Pictures Studio presentation at The Colosseum at Caesars Palace on April 25, 2023 in Las Vegas, Nevada
Ryan Gosling's Daughters Inspired Him to Play Ken in the Barbie Movie
By Wyndi Kappes
ADVERTISEMENT
Article removed.
Article removed.
Name added. View Your List