Annoying Things Almost All Parents Say
March 16, 2021
“I would never do_ that_…"
Whether that is to let baby sleep in his swing, give a toddler a time-out or hand over a germy iPhone to your teething baby to gnaw on (seriously, it’s the only thing that soothes her!), every parent ends up doing something they swore they would never do. So don’t get all high and mighty.
“I know, I know.”
When baby cries, you sympathize, so you say you know. But really, 85 percent of the time, you’ve got no idea what’s wrong. And that’s totally okay. The only person you’re annoying is yourself.
“Okay, now take your blankie and your doggie to the cribbie, and we’ll say nightie night.”
Putting “ie” on the end of almost every word and using baby talk are things your prebaby self would have never done. Yet, you do it anyway — incessantly. You just can’t help it.
“Use your words.”
This is the classic thing to say when a toddler gets frustrated in trying to get his point across. He hasn’t mastered how to eat linguine yet, let alone grasp the English language. Plus, doesn’t a simple, “Tell me what’s wrong,” suffice?
“He/She is advanced.”
She can count to 30 in English _and _Spanish. He can rattle off the names of the last five presidents. Your toddler is definitely ahead of the curve in some ways, but your friends see this as a shameless brag. And don’t ignore some of the other things he can do — like stuff Play-Doh up his nose. Not so advanced.
“Oh great. That’s baby friendly!”
No, your friend did not plan her birthday party wine tour or a bachelorette party at the local beer garden so that your newborn could attend.
Sometimes you feel like you’re training a cocker spaniel instead of parenting. But look on the bright side: It’s positive reinforcement.
“Use your indoor voice.”
Is there even such a thing? For two-year-olds, there are really only two volumes: shouting like a banshee and so conked out they’re drooling. The worst will be when you say this while you’re actually outdoors.
“Oh, you’re okay!”
There will come a time when your kid bites it on the cement at the playground and starts screaming. As much as you think now that you’re going to be loving and sweet, you’re going to be perturbed by said screaming. (They really are okay, but in the moment, they don’t think they are at all.)
“Santa (or the Tooth Fairy or the Easter Bunny or, um, God) is watching you!”
You’ll hate yourself for playing this card, but sometimes you feel the need to call on a higher power.
“Okay, then I’ll leave you here. Bye!”
It’s practically impossible to get a two-year-old to leave the playground without this threat. You might find yourself particularly desperate and actually leaving once or twice to teach your kid a lesson. (You’re around the corner and you can see him, but he doesn’t know it.)
“Look with your eyes, not with your hands!”
Grab, grab, grab. They grab for everything, and there’s almost nothing you can do about it. So frustrating!
This one you’ll use when you totally want to say no, but you don’t want a meltdown right then and there in public. And usually, it works.
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