Blending LGBTQ+ Families: Advice for the Late Bloomer
As someone who came out years after getting married and having kids with my ex-husband, I had all kinds of worries and questions when it came to bringing my current partner into my parenting world. I realized that not only was I creating a blended family, but I was shifting from a cis-heteronormative family dynamic to a queer one. If you’re dealing with a similar transition, we’ve put together expert advice on the steps you’ll need to take to thrive in your new family dynamic.
As I continue to co-parent with my ex and share parenting responsibilities with my current partner, I’ve realized that a lot of my parenting style has been informed by traditional, cis-heteronormative standards. Unpacking those standards—and throwing out what no longer serves me—has helped me restructure my values, improve my emotional health and realign my family’s structure for the better.
Being a “late bloomer” can be an advantage (you could even call it a hidden superpower!). Coming out after your kids are born can help you become more aware of your values, as well as gain a “deeper understanding and reflection on power dynamics in parent-child relationships, more fluid and affirming parenting styles, and relationships that center around emotional intelligence and communication,” explains Lauren Martinez, MS, APCC, an associate professional clinical counselor who specializes in working with LGBTQ+ people.
As my partner became more involved in my kids’ lives, I found myself answering more questions. They asked what to call my partner and about our gender identities. “So they’re my step-parent, but are they more like a mom or a dad? Since you’re trans, does that mean I have two dads now…or maybe three?!”
When discussing your new family structure with your kids, Martinez recommends maintaining an authoritative parenting style with an emphasis on open, age-appropriate conversation. “An authoritative parenting style highlights independence and structure, warmth and clear boundaries, and open communication,” she explains. “For LGBTQIA+ families, specifically, this type of parenting style highlights flexibility, empathy, dialogue and a sense of safety.” She adds that it’s “based on care and not a traditional hierarchy.”
You may be confronted with your kids’ biases from their earlier family dynamic. “It’s important to normalize that all families look different. It’s also normal for children to ask questions,” says Martinez. “With lots of communication and normalization, children can adapt to new situations and a shift in responsibilities.” She adds that it’s important to remind kids that family isn’t based on biology or traditional values, but rather that it’s “a group of people who love one another and help foster a sense of belonging and trust with one another.”
My partner has been patient and supportive with me and wonderful with my kids throughout this adjustment. But this has been a change for them as well, and I know they have their own set of needs and challenges as someone who’s not only in a relationship with a “late-bloomer,” but blending a family with them.
“Some challenges a new step-parent may feel when entering a previously established family is feeling like an outsider in the established family unit, navigating parental role expectations and managing co-parent dynamics,” says Martinez. “If the new step-parent has no prior children, this can feel especially intimidating.” If you’re bringing kids into a blended family and your partner is taking on new parental duties, it’s important to engage in honest communication, and foster moments of connection and reassurance.
Martinez suggests letting the step-parent build their own relationship with the kids in an age-appropriate way. “It’s important to allow this connection to grow naturally and to remain consistent over time,” she says. “Being present, listening without judgment and learning about the child’s interests will help improve the relationship between child and step-parent.”
LGBTQ+ parents often face criticism and judgment from family members and the outside world. I certainly came up against this at my children’s school from other parents, with some members of my extended family and in my neighborhood. “Having queer-affirming people in your inner circle, with whom we spend the most time with, can improve feelings of support and connection with one another,” says Martinez. This can include friends, family or community support groups.
When it comes to family, building routines like bedtime rituals, regular check-ins and one-on-one hangouts between family members can help build connection. “Incorporating ways to enjoy spending time with one another can look like participating in enjoyable activities, such as game nights, themed dinner nights or other activities that are known to bring joy,” Martinez says. Think about what values you share as a family. “Examples of values that queer families may share based on potentially similar lived experiences and chosen family dynamics are: authenticity, inclusivity, equity, justice and honesty,” she says.
It’s also important to reach out to organizations and healthcare professionals when you feel like you need extra support. “Having spaces that advocate for the needs of LGBTQIA+ folks and have established supportive policies that reflect the needs of the individuals in that community improves their mental health,” says Martinez.
Blending families can be a stressful process, so don’t forget to practice meaningful self-care rituals and continuing to pursue activities that make you happy. “Normalize self-reflection, access to queer-affirming mental health therapy and self-compassion. Feeling connected to self improves the opportunity to feel connected with others,” says Martinez.
Finally, as you build a new life with your blended family, remember to be kind to yourself and your loved ones. By prioritizing communication, connection, and mental and emotional health, you’re setting yourself up to have a stable and loving home for your LGBTQ+ family. It can be a long process—but it’s one that will yield joy for years to come.
Plus, more from The Bump:
Lauren Martinez, MS, APCC, is an associate professional clinical counselor who specializes in working with LGBTQ+ people.
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