How to Prepare Your Relationship for Baby

If there’s one thing most new parents can agree on, it’s that nothing’s the same after baby’s arrival. One of the biggest changes? The way your relationship with your partner looks, feels and functions. “All relationships go through periods of stress and growth, but nothing flips the ‘stress switch’ on as quickly as having a baby,” says Neha Kumar, LMFT, a therapist specializing in postpartum transitions at Prose & Psyche Counseling in California, and mom of one.

During those tumultuous few postpartum weeks, it’s all hands on deck—and your romantic partner can quickly turn into more of a roommate. “Survival mode kicks in, impromptu daily check-ins disappear and suddenly you’ve gone months without a private, face-to-face moment to connect,” recalls Katherine Rose Woller, a mom of one, author and marketing strategist in Colorado.

The good news? A little preparation goes a long way in keeping your partnership strong and your support system solid. With the help of licensed therapists, counselors and real parents, we broke down why it’s important to do some work on your relationship before baby’s birth, common ways couple dynamics change and top tips for keeping your relationship strong.

Why It’s Important to Prepare Your Relationship Before Baby’s Arrival

A new baby doesn’t just add stress and sleep deprivation to your plate, but it can trigger one of the most emotionally vulnerable times in your relationship. “Our identity is questioned within ourselves—and then the world tries to tell you how your parenthood should look, thus creating the perfect storm of an identity crisis,” explains Nicole Woodcox Bolden, MSW, LCSW, a therapist, author and doula in Illinois.

On top of this, Bolden points out that parenting expectations are often mismatched. “Many couples talk about their past traumas and what they don’t want to do as parents, but they don’t always spend as much time on what they do want parenthood to look like,” she says.

Navigating this relationship strain is much easier when you know what to expect and have made a plan to get through it together. “I liken preparing your relationship before welcoming baby to adequately training before a marathon,” says Kumar. “Effective training provides the endurance and stamina needed to get through the run, both mentally and physically.”

Common Ways Relationships Change When You Become Parents

Your relationship may be unique, but many couples experience similar changes post-baby. Kelsey Mizell, LPC, PMH-C, a maternal-health therapist and founder of Like A Mother in Atlanta, says she often sees two specific conflict dynamics arise when baby comes into the world:

Tension and disconnect. “Strained and disconnected dynamics are most common, and partners often describe this as feeling like roommates, where they’re living together, but there’s little engagement or time together outside of caring for baby and household tasks,” Mizell notes. High conflict. “This looks like parents arguing over everything, keeping score of what they’re doing and what the other parent isn’t, and feeling on edge and distrustful of the other partner’s intentions,” Mizell says.

Mizell says these dynamics can cause long-term problems, especially when parents put all their focus on baby and don’t prioritize their own relationship. Kumar notes that gender roles can be at play here too: “There are still many instances in which one partner’s life is completely unchanged by the birth of baby,” she says. “This parent has the luxury of sleeping contentedly through the night, leaving the house for several hours, having [time] to eat a meal and engaging in social interactions with other adults. Their partner, on the other hand, likely hasn’t slept, showered, eaten or socialized in a long time.”

The good news is, this is all highly fixable: Kumar says that when both partners make a consistent effort to be aware of and sensitive to the other’s needs, their relationship can actually become stronger after baby.

Tips for Preparing Your Relationship Before Baby Arrives

Looking for wise ways to build up your relationship before baby enters the chat? Read these expert and real-parent tips to make sure your relationship comes out stronger on the other side.

Pause and enjoy the present moment

Taking time to truly savor your current chapter can help you enter parenthood with gratitude. During the preconception and pregnancy periods, try to make time and space for lazy mornings, impromptu dinners and intentional connection. “Few couples understand just how much they’ll grieve the loss of their old life and the uninterrupted moments of carefree closeness and contentment they shared,” Kumar says. (It’s worth noting these indulgences aren’t forever lost, though—they’re just a babysitter or a weekend at the grandparents’ away.)

Come up with a stress-response plan

Postpartum life—and parenting in general—can be stressful. You can prepare for this by discussing how each partner tends to respond to triggers and what you both need to feel supported physically and emotionally. “Really listen to what the other person says,” says Mizell. “I see couples get stuck as one partner will offer support to the other in a way that feels good for them, as opposed to what their partner specifically asked for. I also encourage these to be as tangible as possible and to start practicing expressing these needs consistently. Examples include: a hug, physical space, leaving the house, ‘giving me two minutes where I talk and you listen,’ extra sleep, a meal made without asking.”

Utilize your village

Even with the best stress-response plan and most supportive partner, sometimes you’ll need outside help. “Speak with family, close friends and/or a therapist in order to gain a realistic understanding of what life will look like once baby arrives,” advises Kumar. Talking openly about what kind of help you’ll need—meals, overnights or emotional check-ins—can strengthen both your relationship and your community. “This way, there are fewer surprises when baby comes, and you have a tentative framework for how to survive the early postpartum period,” Kumar says.

Talk about your triggers

Before baby arrives, it could help to do some inner child work, which involves taking time to unpack how your own childhood experiences have influenced who you are and how they may influence your parenting. “I highly recommend intentional discussions surrounding triggers from your own childhood, asking each other what type of parents you want to be and how you want your home to feel,” advises Lauren Hunter, LCSW, PMH-C, a perinatal therapist and owner of North Star Wellness & Therapy in New York. “Taking a proactive approach to parenting while expecting saves grief, time and tears during an already challenging time for most families.”

Create a family mission statement

Instead of only talking about what you don’t want to do as a parent, it helps to adopt a positive, forward-thinking approach and cement what you do want. Bolden says she helps her clients create family mission statements to hone in on what they want before baby arrives. In the midst of sleepless nights and toddler tantrums, it can be useful to have a unifying goal to come back to. And don’t worry, your mission statement can adapt and change as you grow as a family. Coming together to talk about it is what counts.

Plan regular times to connect with your partner

This regular quality time can be whatever feels right and works for the two of you, as long as you prioritize togetherness. Start by lining up care—whether from family, friends or a trusted sitter—and then book those dinner reservations or concert tickets. “I’ll admit I cried when we left for our first night out, but despite the tears and a little milk leakage, sitting across a quiet table with my husband and rediscovering our deep friendship and love was worth every drop,” Woller says.

Explore what connection looks like when time is limited

With a new baby, time and energy are limited, but meaningful connection doesn’t have to be. “There’s an unhealthy stigma floating around that a date night has to be out of the house, two hours long, expensive and something worthy of an Instagram post. In reality, date night can happen at home, in a shorter 15-to-30-minute time window (like between naps), at any time of the day—and it can be something simple and relaxing,” says Jason Lee, dad of one and founder of the LoveTrack app for couples. “Some ideas that can fit into this include puzzle dates, having an indoor picnic and even simple crafts.”

Figure out what “fair” looks like and prepare for it to evolve

You’ve likely established a division of household tasks before baby—but once your little one arrives, that balance will likely shift. “[It helps to] figure out what a ‘fair’ division of labor looks like now that newborn care duties come first, remembering that fair doesn’t mean equal,” says Woller. “Before kids, I did most of the cooking, but when my primary job was to feed the baby, my husband stepped up to make sure I was fed as well. Was it this way forever? No. But by consciously making the short-term shift, we met all our needs in a ‘fair’ way that worked for us all.”

Commit to consistent communication

Kids have a way of throwing you curveballs—so make sure you keep up the regular communication. “It took a few years for my husband and I to realize that children change every few months or so,” Kumar says. “The first time it happened with our daughter, it sent us into a tailspin. We had finally found a routine that worked for us. Then everything changed. It felt like the floor was falling out from under us at times. We realized that the best way to make sure we didn’t burn out was to be open and honest about our needs as they changed.”

Find a therapist

Mizell says that it’s most effective for couples to seek out therapy before tensions start to arise. “Couples therapy can support partners to really understand their dynamic, how to show up for each other and manage stress together as a team,” she says.

And if you think therapy for Mom will be enough, think again. “We often admit that the matrescence journey will crack moms open, but we don’t talk enough about how the jump from husband to dad is equally as transformative,” Woller says.

Through it all, Mizell recommends keeping in mind that you and your partner are on the same team. As caring for baby takes over, even the smallest frustrations can feel amplified, so it’s important to remember that you both have the best of intentions. Kumar reminds us that the benefits of a strong relationship extend beyond the two of you: “The stronger your commitment to communication, consideration and compassion for each other, the better off you—and baby—will be.”