profile picture of Shayna Ferm & Tracey Tee
Shayna Ferm & Tracey Tee

‘Cry It Out’ + 5 More Burning Parenting Questions — Answered By The Pump And Dump

Meet Shayna Ferm and Tracey Tee, the ladies behind The Bump Pump and Dump Validation Tour. These Denver-based moms are here to remind you that even on your worst parenting day, you’re doing a great job. And whether it’s via song at their parentally-incorrect live comedy shows or via blog post on The Bump, they’re guaranteed to make you laugh. If you’re in New York, catch them at Gotham Comedy Club on September 30th. There will be funny songs, lots of prizes, and oh yeah, wine! In this post on The Bump, they answer a fresh batch of your burning parenting questions.

Q: “At what point do I decide that cry-it-out is not working?”

When you find yourself in the fetal position at your child’s door crying harder than the baby, then you should probably just go in there. The baby may never remember crying it out, but you will.

Q: “Do I bring a hostess gift to a playdate?”

As a general rule, we strongly believe in keeping it real at playdates. That means no gifts, no platters of highly stylized “playdate snacks” you found on Pinterest and no makeup. That means comfortable and stained clothes you may or may not have slept in, and above all, scheduling playdates with cool moms who really understand that you probably didn’t have the time or energy to June-Cleaver-power-clean your house only to have it destroyed by extra kids.

That being said, we advise you to also ask yourself this crucial question prior to the playdate — especially if it’s with a new friend: “Is it likely my child will destroy something in this nice person’s home?”  If the answer is YES, then absolutely bring a gift and keep it in your car as backup so you’re welcome back again sometime. We suggest a pre-made gift bag with $100 bill in an envelope and something to numb the pain, like a bottle of La Crema.

Q: “What is this sudden hatred of bath time?”

Sudden Hatred of Bathtime (SHB) is an aggressive behavioral change in children ages 0-15 with a direct correlation to two key factors:

1)   The amount of gross that has accumulated on your child’s body.

2)   The mother’s desperate need to confine her kid(s) to one space for a small amount of time.

To manage SHB, we suggest trying the following solutions:

1)   Pour yourself a whiskey and tell them they can wash your feet as a fun bath time activity

2)   Dress up like a clown and delight/terrify your child into taking a bath

3)   Throw all the kitchen utensils in their bathwater and tell them you’re hungry for soup

4)   Become the Arbiter of a Barbie Diving Championship

5)   Get the water really, really soapy and then just dip them in real quick

6)   Leave the house and let someone else to give them their bath

Q: “Should I expect the babysitter to clean up after the kids go to sleep?”

A babysitter that doesn’t clean up after the kids go to bed and then sits for three hours in front of the TV is a babysitter that shouldn’t come back to your house (unless you can’t find a babysitter).

Q: “Why is my 18-month-old such a sweaty sleeper?”

You should probably start taking him out of that swaddle.

Q: “Are my name choices too unusual?”

Here’s a great way to find out: Say the name out loud to yourself while standing in front of a mirror. If your eyes do not roll back in your head or you do not laugh out loud, you’ve chosen wisely. (Shout out to fellow comic and #MTHRFKR Damian Griffin for the idea.)

PHOTO: Crystal Allen Photography