You’re pregnant and suddenly you’re fighting with your partner about baby names, money and even sex. Sure, pregnancy is only temporary, but how you deal with disagreements now can have a huge effect on the future of your relationship.
“The most important factor in setting up a happy relationship after baby’s born is the quality of your relationship while you’re still expecting,” says Rhona Berens, PhD, CPCC, a life coach who counsels new and expectant parents though ParentAlliance. And that’s important, since becoming new parents could be the biggest threat to the good thing you two have going. According to a 2005 study conducted by the Department of Psychology at The University of Washington and The Relationship Research Institute, 67 percent of couples report a “precipitous” drop in relationship quality after becoming new parents. Yikes!
So get a grip when it comes to disagreements. “For any argument, stop judging and trying to persuade, and ask, ‘What’s important to you about that?’” says Berens. “Sometimes we don’t even know why we’re fighting for something so hard!”
The Name Fight
The issue: Maybe you want to name baby something completely unique, and your partner wants one off the latest top 10 list. Or even tougher: You’ve always dreamed of your future son being named after your grandfather, but that name reminds your man of his middle-school bully. Naming baby is a big deal, and it can be a heated debate.
How to handle: Don’t try to get him to change his mind right then and there — you both will just get fired up or defensive — and table the discussion for another time. “Later, when you’re both calm, ask each other about the meaning of the names you each want and why they’re important to you,” says John Gottman, PhD, author of And Baby Makes Three: The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives. “Just listen. When you come to a deeper understanding of your partner’s motivations for a particular name, the right decision will emerge.”
Ask questions: “Find out what’s negotiable and non-negotiable,” says Berens. The baby name process will probably be a huge compromise for both of you, so you’re going to have to let go a little.
The “You’re Being Selfish” Fight
The issue: He can skip doctor’s appointments and ultrasounds, while your schedule is crazy. On the flip side, he says you’re so obsessed with pregnancy that you never talk about anything else anymore! You’re the only one who’s pregnant, and that can feel isolating.
How to handle: Make some pregnant friends who you can commiserate with about swollen feet and endless OB visits. Then, ask outright for what you want during pregnancy and after. “As the pregnant person, your partner will never be able to guess what you need, so you need to be able to ask for it,” advises Tina B. Tessina, PhD, psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage.
“The big theme is trust,” adds Gottman. “Both people want to know, ‘will you be there for me, are we in this together?’ Tell your partner how you plan to make time for him (or her) and for baby, so he’s reassured that all these changes don’t mean he’s off your VIP list.
The Sex Fight
The issue: You look hot with that pregnancy glow and bigger boobs, and your partner can’t help but be turned on (I mean, have you seen you lately?). Meanwhile, the only thing you want to be intimate with is your sleep mask and pillow — or maybe you’re worried about leaking pee or some other embarrassing pregnancy sex problem.
How to handle: Laugh. “Humor is critical,” Gottman says. Joke about the silly, gross things that could happen during sex, and that will take the scary out of it. “Focus on what you do want versus what you don’t and what intimacy you are up for,” Berens suggests. If you’re not feeling well, explain that that’s why you’re not up for sex — it's not that you’re not attracted to him anymore — and find other ways to be close, even if it’s a snuggle session on the couch.
The In-Laws Fight
The issue: You thought you had the whole in-law relationship down, but getting pregnant opens up a whole new slew of sensitive subjects. Your in-laws could be making comments about your pregnancy weight gain, demanding you consider certain baby names or even saying you raise the baby a certain way…trust us, we’ve heard it all. You want your partner to step in and set up some boundaries, but this is his family and he loves them.
How to handle: Team up. “This issue boils down to the fundamental issue of who comes first,” says Gottman. You and your partner are your future baby’s parents, not anyone else, so ultimately the two of you should be the ones making parenting decisions together. Pick your battles — deal with non-important issues with a secret eye-roll. If it’s a big issue, set the expectation (nicely) that your partner is going to have to tell his folks to back off. There’s no reason to be dramatic or rude about it though. “Try to understand how your partner relates to his parents and their customs, and try not to take offense too easily,” urges Tessina. “And don’t forget—these are your future child’s grandparents and can be the biggest help you’ll ever have.”
The Money Fight
The issue: Chances are, neither of you had any idea having a baby could cost more than $30,000, and agreeing on how much to spend on what can be stressful.
How to handle: Make an actual budget together. It sounds simple, but not enough people do this! And seriously, do it right away. The earlier you can figure out your finances and where they’ll go, the easier it will be to stick to the budget. You’ll prioritize together, so you won’t ever have to have the “I can’t believe you bought the $1,000 stroller!” argument. “Before you got pregnant, your partner’s opposite view on spending money probably attracted you, but now you’re worried about her over/under spending habits. Find one nice thing to say about how she spends money, and then figure out how you can honor each other’s style in a mutually agreed on budget range,” Berens says. “Share what your fears are, and how money was treated in your home growing up. Understanding where she’s coming from will help you disagree constructively.”
The “Hormones Did It” Fight
The issue: There will be times on the pregnancy roller coaster that your hormones, aches and pains will express themselves in a version of yourself you’ve never seen before. Maybe he says something you’ve always found hysterical but now irritates you or maybe what he thinks is an innocent joke hurts you and makes you cry. Chances are, these mini-meltdowns will surprise you as well.
How to handle: Give your evil twin a nickname! “Name your moods,” Berens says. “Make up the funniest, most stupid names you can think of — Hormonal Helen, Freaky Fran, or have a silly gesture you make to show that you would stop yourself from reacting a certain way if you could.” When Screamy Sarah shows up, he’ll know to give you some space, and the depersonalizing of your behavior will give you both confidence this is not who you really are. Bonus: You may even start laughing instead.
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