Funny Parenting Quotes That Had Us LOLing This Year

Parenting isn’t easy—but at least some moms and dads have a hilarious sense of humor about it. Here, some of the funniest quotes from 2017.
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By Holly Pevzner, Contributing Writer
Updated September 7, 2018
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Image: Ignacio Ayestaran/Getty Images

We all know kids say the darndest things—but some parents are really giving them a run for their money. Whether they’re revealing the real backstory to a funny family moment or offering a fresh perspective on what it means to parent, these moms and dads are taking to Twitter and posting pure comedy gold. Here, some of our favorite funny mom quotes and hilarious dad quotes to hit the Internet all year.

Funny Parenting Quotes: Mean Mommies

We try to keep it together, but when faced with a hard decision or exasperating kids, sometimes moms lose their cool—and head to Twitter to rant about it. Check out these funny mom quotes:

Clean Freak
“Being a parent is just basically walking around the house saying, ‘Clean up this mess!’ until everyone is crying.” —Sarcastic Mommy

A Not-So-Refreshing Spritz
“Ugh it’s so hot! gets hit by two drops of pool water SPLASH ME AGAIN AND I’LL DONATE ALL YOUR TOYS.” —Salty Mermaid

Battle of the Princesses
“Toddler: crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown Me: Sweetie, you need to share Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35” —Lurkin’ Mom

Sophie’s Choice
“Ran outta bread making lunches so one had to get the end piece. Deciding which kid got the crappy sandwich was the hardest mom decision ever” —Lady Lawya

Instagram Reality
“Me on Instagram: Made cupcakes w the kids, love them so much. Me for real: YOU’RE GETTING EGGSHELLS IN THE BATTER JESUS CHRIST LET ME DO IT” —Vampire Valerie

Funny Parenting Quotes: Mean Daddies

Move over, funny mom quotes—these Twitter posts from witty (and sometimes wicked) dads are going for the win.

Guess Where Daddy Went
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.” —Ryan Reynolds

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Don’t Cry on the Couch
“Words just uttered by my husband that will no doubt be the title of my seven-year-old’s memoir: You’re Ruining My Couch With Your Tears” —Rachael Koenig

The World is Cruel
“I’ve been building my son’s trust for two yrs with high-fives. Today I’m going to hit him with a ‘too slow.’ Welcome to the real world, son.” —Trevor Williams

Ask Me Later
“My parenting motto is, ‘not right now.’" —Simon Holland

Time Flies
“Me: you’re going to bed in 5 minutes. Toddler: No. Twenty minutes! Me: Ok. puts him to bed in 2 minutes because he has no concept of time” —Goats

Funny Parenting Quotes: Sassy Kids

What do you do when your kids say something entirely unexpected? You take it in stride and post some seriously funny parenting quotes. Some of our favorites:

Fat Dad
“‘When I grow up I don’t want to be a dad. I dont want to be fat.’—my 5-year-old former son.” —Jim Gaffigan

First-Grader Logic
“Me: Harry Potter can use magic to fix his glasses. 6-year-old: Why doesn’t he use magic to fix his eyes? Me: questions everything I know” —James Breakwell

A New Look
“3-year-old: You got your hair cut. Me: Do you like it? 3: walks away” —James Breakwell

Father-Son Bonding
“7yo: Daddy, I love you too! Me: Aw, I love you too! 7yo: No, I said ‘I love YouTube’" —Robert Knop

Political Savvy
“I closed my finger in a drawer and yelled ‘Son of a bitch!’ and my 6 yo called from another room ‘What is it? Is it Trump? What did he do?’" —Feral Crone

I Know What You Did Last Summer
“Dropped my youngest at her first day of preschool today and swear I heard her whisper “none of your secrets are safe” as I walked away…” —Crazy Exhaustion

Funny Parenting Quotes: Parenting Lessons

You learn a lot when you have kids—as these funny quotes about parenting prove.

A New Meaning to Room Decor
“Before kids: Why are they called “throw pillows”? After kids: Oh.” —Jennifer S. White

Never a Dull Moment
“From what I can gather, motherhood is just repeatedly getting up after having just sat down two seconds ago.” —Lauren Mullen

This Is My Life
“Curious what it’s like to be a mom? Have someone shout your name every 30 seconds 1 inch from your face while trying to write a grocery list” —My Questionable Life

You’ve Got This (Maybe)
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” —Mommy Cusses

When Nature Calls
“At this point, I’m more shocked when my kids DON’T need to suddenly poop in the middle of any meal.” —Robert Knop

Funny Parenting Quotes: Parenting Realities

Because life with kids is one heck of a ride, and these parents aren’t going to let the world forget it. Here, some of our favorite funny mom quotes and dad quotes of the year:

The Real Deal
“Wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun! Wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?” —Josh

Big Night Out
“After the kids fall asleep I’m going to drink one and a half beers and fall asleep in the middle of a movie I talked my wife into watching.” —Simon Holland

Family Bliss
“My kids were all having fun and getting along, and that was the best 3 1/2 minutes of the entire summer.” —Out Numbered Mother

Please Tell Me I’m Dreaming
“[1 AM] Child [standing at side of my bed]: I had a bad dream. Me: Is it this? Are we in it? Because this seems like one.” —Rodney Lacroix

Notting Hill Moment
“I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.” —Mommy Owl

Tell Them I Love Them
“I have literally never given my kids a kiss for you, Grandma” —Ashes to Ashes

Published October 2017

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