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profile picture of Shayna Ferm & Tracey Tee
Shayna Ferm & Tracey Tee

Lies You Tell Yourself Before You Have A Baby

There are many surprises that come with having your first child. Everyone tells you that you'll never really be prepared, and we bet you never believed it until you realized you were never prepared.  The poop, the spit up, the exhaustion... these are surprises. But so are the lies we told ourselves before we became parents. Whether you adopted, blended or birthed in a bathtub, you thought your life with this new baby would be one way. And admit it, it is not. It's ok though! You've made it through the dark period and survived long enough to laugh at those lies, so here are 10 that should make you chuckle and feel grateful you figured it out before any major damage was done.

1. I’ll have a weekly date night A promise you make with your partner pre-baby that also costs more money, time and energy than you have.

2. I’ll breastfeed until I’m ready to stop This may be true for some lucky mamas, and may be touted to be true by every site you Google in your despair, but sometimes breastfeeding doesn’t work out exactly like you plan.

3. I’ll still have disposable income They say “a baby could sleep in a drawer!” Do you want your baby to sleep in a drawer? No.

4. I’ll have time to hit the gym The last thing you may want to do when you have a minute to yourself is drag your butt to the gym.  Good for you if you really do it – but good for you if you don’t.  Skinny moms have kids in school.

5. I’ll only feed my children organic food You will try, God bless you.

6. I won’t want an epidural Even if you successfully birth at home in a tub surrounded by midwives, doulas and fairies, you will at some point want an epidural.

7. Unisex toys only No progressive parent wants to perpetuate the pink for girls, blue for boys stigma, but it’s scientifically proven that the harder you try to keep your daughter away from baby dolls, the more princess dresses she will wear and refuse to take off.

8. I’ll just bring the baby in the shower with me Two things about this.  1. You deserve 5 minutes to yourself.  And 2. Babies are slippery and do not like being wet and cold.

9. I’ll still hang out after the kids go to bed Yes you will.  But not with your friends.  With a glass of wine to cover the smell of spit up.

10. My awesome breasts will still be awesome Well… they won’t be “the same.”  They will be lower and a little flatter and even more awesome than ever because they are your trophies.

This list was inspired by a song Shayna Ferm performs at our show, "The Pump and Dump: A Parentally Incorrect Comedy Show and Night Out, For Once." You can purchase our album, #BREEDER on iTunes. But as a special treat, you can listen to "Lies" right here.

You're An Awesome Mom!

PHOTO: Getty Images