How to Deal With Early Sibling Rivalry, According to Experts and Parents

As a mom of two little ones, I see sibling rivalry between my boys nearly every day. My 5-year-old vies for attention by pulling toys away from his 2-year-old brother, and the youngest retaliates with loud screeching or clings to me for support.

Yup, sibling rivalry often starts early—sometimes before a new sister or brother is even home from the hospital. “Sibling rivalry begins when a second child enters the picture in the mind of the older child,” says Laura Markham, PhD, a clinical psychologist, mom of two and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids. “It’s the fear that our needs won’t get met.” And for parents, it can often feel like an emotional obstacle course.

So what’s really going on when your toddler refuses to look at baby, or your kids can’t seem to stop grabbing each other’s toys? Ahead, experts and real parents explain what early sibling rivalry looks like, why it happens—and how to handle it in a way that builds strong bonds in the long term.

What Is Sibling Rivalry?

Sibling rivalry is the tension that can arise between siblings, often stemming from competition for parents’ attention. “Sibling rivalry is the normal jealousy between siblings and can describe a variety of different behaviors in toddlers, with the root cause being a desire for parental or caregiver attention,” explains Lauren Crosby, MD, FAAP, a pediatrician at La Peer Pediatrics in Beverly Hills, California. “The behavior could be anything that takes attention away from the sibling—be it aggressive or disruptive, or just more needy or jealous—and varies with different ages and temperaments.”

What Spurs Sibling Rivalry?

Here are the most common reasons early sibling rivalry starts, according to experts.

• The arrival of a new sibling. “If there’s a newborn in the home or an infant, that little one needs a lot of care and attention,” says Crosby. A new baby can make your toddler feel left out. “Some children notice and are bothered by it, and others aren’t,” notes Crosby.
• New milestones. When the younger sibling starts crawling or grabbing toys, things can change. “At each stage, the sibling tensions can come as baby continues to develop,” notes Markham.
• Difficulty sharing. Toddlers can have a notoriously hard time sharing toys. Jennifer Walker, RN, BSN, a pediatric nurse, mom of three and founder of Moms on Call, says this is completely normal—and that “owning” something is actually a critical step in emotional development.

Examples of How Sibling Rivalry Manifests

Sibling rivalry appears in both loud and quiet ways. Parents report everything from toy snatching and physical aggression to regressions in speech and potty training. “There’ll always be a balancing act between them when it comes to their emotions and one another,” Christa says. “That’s something I had to come to terms with after many sleepless nights and tears.”

At other times, sibling tension can be more creative—and even amusing. “When they were really little and starting to fight, I’d stop them and ask each to say three things they love about the other,” recalls Jackie P., a mom of three in Beacon, New York. “My oldest would begrudgingly say, ‘I love that you make me laugh,’ and his sister would mimic him and say something like, ‘I love when you ride on a rainbow with me.’” Over time, it became an inside joke. “Now, if they’re stuck in a standoff, one will break the ice with, ‘I love when we ride on rainbows.’ It wasn’t the original goal, but it works.”

How to Deal With Sibling Rivalry

Sibling rivalry isn’t something you fix once; it’s something you’ll need to navigate consistently. Here are some tips from experts and parents that can help you deal with jealousy in siblings.

Prepare early

Prepare your toddler for baby’s arrival in “age-appropriate ways,” advises Crosby. She suggests reading them relevant books, having them pick out baby clothes and discussing how important their new job as an older sibling will be. “Let them know the big brother or big sister role is important,” adds Crosby. Markham notes that older siblings can start getting jealous as soon as there’s even talk of a new baby—so it’s crucial to start preparing them as soon as possible.

Practice one-on-one time

Short bursts of solo attention with each sibling can go a long way. “Even just a couple of minutes playing a silly game or snuggling on the couch—that presence has made a difference,” says Katherine B., a mom of two in White Plains, New York. It’s important to really dedicate attention to each sibling (which means disconnecting from your phone, BTW.). “What they need is laughter, which releases tension, [and] the opportunity, if possible to cry, to release that grief,” Markham says. They need to “count on that relationship as the most important thing.”

Jackie says: “It doesn’t have to be elaborate or expensive. For us, it’s things like my youngest helping me make dinner while the others play. Just a few minutes where they don’t have to compete for my attention makes a huge difference.”

Respect ownership and take turns

When it comes to sharing, “toddlers have a hard time understanding the sharing concept,” says Christa. “But I found that if we took turns, they learned they’d get the toy back eventually—and that helped reduce tension.” Crosby adds that setting timers for turn-taking can help if siblings are arguing over a specific toy, but notes that “not every child will understand this, so it depends on the age and developmental level.”

Walker has a slightly different approach: “The best thing to do is to curate an environment where you teach your child that they can have ownership over a few things.” Designating toys that are exclusively theirs can alleviate some of the stress between siblings. She also loves to approach tension with somewhat of a reverse psychology mindset: “You can support them by allowing them the opportunity to choose to share. It gives them an investment in the process that’s very valuable in the overall progression of their character,” she says.

Stay calm and validate feelings

When conflict arises between siblings, our instinct might be to step in and lay down the law. But often, the most powerful thing we can do is stay calm and acknowledge what they’re feeling. “Get curious about why, as opposed to being angry,” says Markham. She suggests staying patient with the older child and acknowledging their feelings aloud, saying things like, “I know you like the baby and sometimes it’s still hard to be the big [sibling] and have to share everything, even me.”

Offering an alternative or distraction can help deescalate the conflict without reinforcing the drama too. It also teaches kids that their emotions are seen and accepted, even when their behavior needs some guidance. By keeping our own emotions steady, we model emotional regulation and show our kids that big feelings are okay, but there are healthy ways to handle them.

Let kids practice conflict

It can be hard to watch your kids argue—especially when things get loud or emotional. But conflict isn’t always something to fear or shut down. In fact, it’s a critical life skill in the making. “As tempting as it is to step in for the sake of peace, I try to remind myself that they’re practicing conflict resolution in a safe space—with people who love them unconditionally,” Jackie says. “When I’m called in, I focus on helping them express their feelings, advocate for themselves or take a break if they need one.”

Shannon H., a mom of two in Virginia, shares that while she wasn’t prepared for sibling rivalry between her son and daughter, she notices that they can often work things out themselves—even at ages 2 and 4. “There are these little moments when they figure it out together, giving me hope that telling them daily and often, ‘Your sibling is your best friend’ is, in fact, working,” she says.

Of course, there are moments when adult intervention is necessary, especially if things escalate to aggression. But when it’s safe to do so, standing back and observing can empower kids to figure things out on their own.

Don’t take sides or make comparisons

Avoid saying things like, “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” Comparison can deepen resentment and deepen jealousy. Markham notes that this is more consistent in slightly older siblings, but that taking sides can occur even at the toddler stage. “With a toddler and a baby, it’s pretty hard not to take sides,” Markham says. If baby’s playing with something and the toddler takes it, parents can say, “He wasn’t done with his turn yet, let’s ask him,” she says.

Model problem-solving

“I think giving each of them time to express their wants and needs is huge,” says Kristen V., a mom of three in Mahopac, New York. “A lot of times with kids under 5, it takes them longer to get the right words out—and sometimes that’s where the fighting comes from. If we model problem-solving and give suggestions, they really do learn.”

Dealing with sibling rivalry can feel overwhelming, but it’s a natural and valuable part of childhood. Siblings are “uniquely designed to bring out the best—so we can celebrate it, and the worst—so we can manage it in a healthy way,” says Walker. Through these early relationships, kids are “learning to accommodate the world,” using their sibling dynamic to practice empathy, emotional regulation and problem-solving.

So when conflict arises, try not to panic. The goal isn’t perfect harmony—it’s raising kids who know how to work through sibling rivalry and create building blocks for a stronger relationship in the long run.

Please note: The Bump and the materials and information it contains are not intended to, and do not constitute, medical or other health advice or diagnosis and should not be used as such. You should always consult with a qualified physician or health professional about your specific circumstances.