Your Sunshine Baby: Navigating Love and Loss

Experiencing pregnancy loss can be earth-shattering. But while your future plans may be altered, a loss can also change the way you look at your existing children.

I experienced debilitating grief when I lost twin boys in my second trimester—and this experience has also changed the way I’ve viewed my experiences with my two living sons. I eventually stumbled across the term “sunshine baby,” and it perfectly described my feelings toward the child I had before my loss. He was the calm before the storm, and I felt I’d never have a baby under blissful circumstances again.

Sunshine babies represent a more innocent time in your life—when you were able to look at pregnancy as something that would lead to a baby. But for many women, it’s hard to view pregnancy the same way afterward.

“I talk about it with many of my patients: What’s stolen from you isn’t just the child, but this idealistic sense that when you pee on a stick, you get to bring home a baby,” says Tamar Gur, MD, PhD, a psychiatrist and director of the Sarah Ross Soter Women’s Health Research Program at The Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center. “The joy is taken from you because you know that nothing is guaranteed.”

Navigating any loss is difficult, and going through it with a sunshine baby has its own challenges—and joys. Ahead, learn more about what it can mean to have a sunshine baby, including how to navigate your mixed emotions.

Key Takeaways

• A sunshine baby is a baby that comes before a pregnancy loss.
• A rainbow baby, on the other hand, is a baby that comes after a loss.
• Having a sunshine baby can come with mixed emotions. Mental health professionals recommend exploring your feelings in a safe, protective environment.

What Is a Sunshine Baby?

“A sunshine baby is a non-clinical term used by some families to describe a child born before a pregnancy loss,” explains Jessica Zucker, PhD, a psychologist specializing in reproductive and maternal mental health and the author of Normalize It: Upending the Silence, Stigma, and Shame That Shape Women’s Lives. “It’s a way of acknowledging the joy of an earlier child in the context of a later grief experience.”

Having a sunshine baby is a unique experience that may call up complicated emotions. “With a sunshine baby, you didn’t imagine that you’d have a loss,” says Catherine Birndorf, MD, a reproductive psychiatrist and the founder of The Motherhood Center in New York City.

Of course, not all parents navigating a loss use or relate to this term, “but for some it provides a framework for understanding the emotional contrast between these events,” Zucker adds.

The Difference Between a Sunshine Baby vs. Rainbow Baby

While the term rainbow baby may be far more common, a sunshine baby is tied to loss in a different way. “A sunshine baby precedes a loss, while a rainbow baby follows it,” Zucker says. “Both terms reflect the complex emotional landscape around reproductive experiences.”

“The rainbow is after the storm,” Gur adds. “They never take the place of the child that you lost, but it does return a sense of joy and calm and peace.”

Neither term means anything in a clinical sense, and not all parents use or connect to these terms. “I’ve had many patients share with me that they don’t resonate with the concept of a rainbow baby because they feel it implies that the lost pregnancy was a ‘storm’ and the new baby somehow clears or erases the experience fully,” Zucker says.

How to Cope With Your Mixed Emotions

It’s understandable to have a lot of emotions around your loss and your sunshine baby experience. Here are a few thoughts and feelings that may come up—and how mental health providers suggest navigating them.

Pregnancy will never be as blissful

It’s easy to think that pregnancy will end with a healthy baby, and many times it does. But it’s hard to feel as overjoyed about a pregnancy as you were with your sunshine baby when you’ve been through a loss. “Subsequent pregnancies after a loss often include heightened vigilance, fear of recurrence and decreased sense of safety,” Zucker says. “These responses are common and reflect the brain’s natural attempt to protect against further distress.”

Zucker says that supportive care and talk therapy can help address those feelings. Gur also stresses that it’s important to acknowledge your feelings. “You ultimately need to process what happened,” she says.

You feel like you should have done something differently

Self-blame is “extremely prevalent” after a pregnancy loss, Zucker says. “However, most losses are caused by factors that are medically unpreventable,” she points out. Birndorf recommends reminding yourself of this fact, noting “there’s so little anyone could’ve done to prevent the losses people experience.” Give yourself space to heal. “Talking to a therapist and your doctor is critically important,” Gur adds.

You feel guilty for trying again

Many couples will try to have another baby after a pregnancy loss, but that can sometimes come with feelings of guilt. “Hope, grief and uncertainty often coexist,” Zucker says. She recommends exploring your feelings in a supportive environment. This can help you make decisions that line up with your values.

Your baby lost a future sibling

A pregnancy loss means that your family dynamic won’t look the same as you anticipated. “Parents may grieve not only the baby who died, but the anticipated family structure and relationships,” Zucker says.

Gur says that it’s crucial to accept this. “It’s really about accepting that you wish your sunshine baby had a sibling, but that’s not how it worked out,” she says. It’s also important to consider how you can continue to cherish your baby for who they are and not what they represent.

You’re resentful that people expect you to be consoled by having a sunshine baby

Many well-meaning people will say something after a loss along the lines of “at least you already have a baby,” but that commentary doesn’t help. “It’s such nonsense,” Gur says. “It’s like telling someone who lost a limb, ‘Aren’t you happy you had two?’” Losing a pregnancy when you already have a baby is “just as tragic” as if you didn’t have a living child, she says.

Zucker recommends reminding yourself that this is usually a reflection of how uncomfortable people are with navigating grief. “Setting boundaries and seeking out more emotionally attuned support can prove fruitful,” she says.

Your relationship with your partner is strained

This is common after a loss. “Partners frequently differ in how they process loss—some externalize emotions, others internalize,” Zucker says. “Lack of synchrony can create tension.”

Zucker recommends doing your best to have open communication with your partner and acknowledging that you may have different ways of coping.

The fear that your grief will impact baby’s childhood

“Experiencing grief doesn’t inherently harm children,” Zucker says. In fact, she says that kids benefit from having caregivers who can model healthy emotional expression. But if your grief is drawn out or impairs your daily functioning, she recommends getting psychological support to help you maintain a balance.

To Sum It Up

Your feelings around having a sunshine baby are complicated, but it’s possible to work through them. If you’re struggling to cope on your own, it may be helpful to speak with a mental health provider. They can help you navigate these emotions in a safe space.

Please note: The Bump and the materials and information it contains are not intended to, and do not constitute, medical or other health advice or diagnosis and should not be used as such. You should always consult with a qualified physician or health professional about your specific circumstances.