The Best Age Gap Between Kids, According to Parents

If you’re thinking of having another baby, you might be curious about the best age gap between kids. It’s natural to wonder how the timing of having another child might affect everything from your family dynamics to finances to your existing kid’s (or kids’) needs.

Personally, I knew I wanted a smaller age gap because I gave birth to my first child at 32 and wanted to avoid pushing too far past advanced maternal age with my second. At the same time, having two under 2 felt daunting, so we decided on a three-year age gap—and so far, I love it!

Of course, there’s no official best age gap for siblings since everyone and every family is different—plus, you can’t control everything. Circumstances in life come up that may throw your plan off, and sometimes you just gotta roll with them. That said, read on to discover what parents and experts say about the joys and challenges of different age gaps, and how to find the best age gap between siblings for your crew.

What Is the Best Age Gap for Siblings?

There’s no universal “ideal” when it comes to sibling spacing. Still, many parents and experts say that waiting until your first child is through their earliest developmental years can have its benefits. “If you want to be maximally and optimally available to the caregiving of a child, in an ideal world, you’re not having to split your caregiving under the age of 3,” says Vanessa Lapointe, a parenting mentor and bestselling author.

Still, every family’s needs are different, and what works for one household may not be the best fit for another. Jillian D., a mom of two in New York, says that she planned for a two-and-a-half-year age gap between her kids. “I wanted them to be close enough in age to enjoy each other as playmates growing up, but far enough apart that the older one was starting to become more independent,” she says. “I’m a twin, so I appreciate some space in age.”

It’s also important to consider your pregnancy and postpartum health. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) suggests waiting at least 18 months after giving birth to try for another baby in order to reduce the risk of medical complications. However, this guideline may not work for everyone, so talk to your healthcare provider about your individual situation.

Cathryn J., a mom of three in Connecticut, says she loved the 13-month age gap between herself and her sister while growing up, so she initially wanted her first two kids to be closer together. But she didn’t mind that they ended up 22 months apart. “I waited longer because it took me longer to get out of my postpartum phase due to breastfeeding for a year,” she explains.

Small Age Gap

A small age gap for siblings is typically defined as 12 to 24 months between births, meaning the older child is still a baby or toddler when their younger sibling arrives. There are both potential benefits—hello, built-in besties!—and drawbacks to kids being close in age.

Benefits of a small age gap

A few potential benefits of a small age gap between siblings include:

• Shared developmental milestones. Siblings close in age often go through milestones together, which can make things easier for the parents and the kids.
• A play date for life. Particularly once they’re a bit older, kids with a small age gap may form tight-knit friendships and easily entertain each other, since they’re more likely to enjoy the same toys and activities.
• More efficient parenting. Some parents find it helpful to manage things like diapering, naps and potty training simultaneously.
• They get used to having a sibling. A younger older sibling may more readily accept a new baby since they haven’t experienced years of being an only child and having solo attention.

Drawbacks of a small age gap

A small age gap can feel intense—think two in diapers, misaligned nap schedules, double the developmental leaps and nonstop sleep regressions. Here are a few other potential drawbacks of a small age gap between siblings:

• Physical and emotional exhaustion. Caring for two very young children can stretch a parent’s capacity to the limit.
• Less one-on-one time. The older child may struggle with losing individual attention. “The parents’ ability to partition their own availability in terms of caregiving appropriately gets increasingly challenging the closer you have your babies together,” says Lapointe. “You’re their only source of emotional regulation when they’re very young. You want to be available and not spread too thin.”
• Sibling rivalry early on. Toddlers are still developing their emotional regulation and may struggle with sharing space, toys and caregivers.

Kristen F., mom of three (ages 14 months, 4 and 5) in New York, says that the 20-month age gap between her first two kids came with emotional challenges: “It was a very hard transition for our oldest son,” she says, recalling how he experienced night terrors shortly after his little brother arrived. “The two of them always seemed to be in regressions and difficult stages at the same time,” she adds. While the early years were intense, Kristen loves her boys’ connection now: “They’re best friends,” she says, adding that both adore their youngest sibling. “They don’t fight with him at all—yet!”

Big Age Gap

A big age gap between siblings is generally considered to be four years or more. In these cases, the older child is well past the toddler years by the time their younger sibling arrives in the world. While this timing helps you avoid juggling two babies at once, it comes with its own set of challenges.

Benefits of a big age gap

Here are a few advantages of a bigger sibling age gap:

• The older child’s more independent. Your older one may already be in school or past major developmental stages, making the newborn phase feel less overwhelming for parents.
• Built-in helper. Older siblings are often eager to help their parents with baby.
• One-on-one time with each child. With different schedules and needs, it can be easier to carve out individual attention. “Each child may experience having more of a parent’s undivided attention,” says Andrew Kuhn, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Mt. Kisco, New York.
• Less direct competition. Siblings at different life stages may be less likely to fight over toys or parental attention. “Neither [sibling] may experience the other as a major competitor, because they’re so obviously playing in different leagues,” explains Kuhn.

Some parents find that more time between kids allows them to enter a new season of parenting with a fresh mindset. Melissa D., a mom of two in Massapequa, New York, didn’t originally envision a wide age gap between her children, but now she sees it as “an unexpected gift.” After she navigated a complex diagnosis with her first child, her second child arrived a little over four years later. “By the time our son was born, our daughter had become much more self-sufficient,” she explains. “That maturity allowed me to be more present… and to savor the moments I was too overwhelmed to enjoy the first time around.” She describes the experience as “a second chance at early motherhood—with a deeper sense of confidence, perspective and support.”

Brittany S., a mom of two in Cleveland whose kids have a five-year age gap, echoes this sentiment: “Although the gap wasn’t planned, I feel as if it worked for us. My daughter was 5 when my son was born, and she was the best helper!” Now that her daughter’s older, Brittany admits it can be trickier to balance needs: “She wants her privacy with friends, so my son feels left out at times. But at the end of the day, they’re the best of friends.”

Drawbacks of a big age gap

There are a few potential drawbacks to navigate with a large age gap:

• It’s harder to find shared activities. Planning family outings or playtime that both kids enjoy might take extra effort.
• You’re reentering the baby phase. After years out of the newborn stage, starting over can feel like a big adjustment.
• Less bonding early on. Kids with a wider age gap may not bond as tightly in the early years simply because they’re in very different phases.

When it comes to sibling age gaps, there’s no universal rule that works for every family. So while it’s normal to wonder what the “best” age gap between kids is, it’s all about what works for your family’s needs, balancing emotional, physical and practical considerations. “Most people end up believing their family’s timeline was the right one, because you build meaning around whatever path unfolds,” says Goldberg. “Let go of the pressure. Make the most authentic and practical choice you can, knowing there’s no guarantee it’ll play out the way you planned anyway.”

Please note: The Bump and the materials and information it contains are not intended to, and do not constitute, medical or other health advice or diagnosis and should not be used as such. You should always consult with a qualified physician or health professional about your specific circumstances.