CircleBumpCheckedFilledMedicalBookmarkBookmarkTickBookmarkAddCheckBoxCheckBoxFilled

Secrets to Getting Through Trying to Conceive

Trying to conceive is one big waiting game—and it's enough to drive anyone crazy. Here's how to make things less stressful and more fun.
save article
profile picture of Elena Donovan Mauer
Updated March 2, 2017
Hero Image
Image: Veer

Let yourself obsess—but just a little

“Once couples decide it’s time to have a baby, having to wait is quite frustrating,” says Connie Shapiro, a therapist and author of When You’re Not Expecting: An Infertility Survival Guide. And that can cause major anxiety—whether you’ve been trying for a year or for a month and you’re still not pregnant yet.

The thing is, focusing too much on what you don’t have (yet!) can become an obsession, and the more you dwell on the negative, the more you open yourself up to the possibility of depression. Don’t ignore the feelings you’re having; allot yourself a little bit of time to think about it—and then force yourself to move on. “Allow yourself to think about what’s worrying you for 10 minutes and then stop,” says Jean Twenge, psychology professor and author of The Impatient Woman’s Guide to Getting Pregnant. “That’s easier said than done, so you’ll probably want to distract yourself—make it something you really love like a movie you’ve really wanted to see or a book you’ve always wanted to read.”

Use the right tools

Give yourself the best odds: Head to the OB now for a preconception checkup. Read up on  ways to get pregnant faster and use tools that can help take some of the guesswork out of the whole process, such as an ovulation predictor kit and a fertility chart.

Find a de-stressing strategy

Okay, so relaxing may not magically get you pregnant (despite what just about everyone will tell you), but finding good ways to de-stress will help you deal with all the tough parts of TTC. And some studies suggest that doing so might help you get pregnant faster. “There’s recent research on women diagnosed with infertility, and if they take part in stress and relaxation methods—like mindfulness, some forms of yoga and other mind-body exercises—those have actually made a difference in the time it takes them to conceive,” says Shapiro.

Related Video

Do your best to enjoy the moment

Make sure you’re both actually enjoying the sex—and not just doing it (halfheartedly) because the timer on your phone went off. “Put on lingerie and drop subtle hints,” says Twenge. “Yes, your partner knows how important timing is, but the more times you can entice him without explicitly announcing that you’re ovulating, the better.” (Keep in mind: Love notes and naughty text messages are great, but don’t include any information about your cervical mucus in them.)

And quit talking about conception while you’re doing the deed! “Keep the bed and bedroom for sleeping and sex only,” says Shapiro. “Talk about anxieties or anything else should be done in another room of the house.”

Remember: Your partner does care

You got a big fat negative pregnancy test result, and your partner shrugs and says, “That’s okay—we’ll try again next month,” and goes back to reading the newspaper. Does that mean they don’t care? No! Just because they’re not as visibly upset as you doesn’t mean they don’t understand what you’re feeling. Your partner is just dealing with it in a different way. Find a support group of other women who are going through the same thing as you (like The Bump’s Trying to Get Pregnant board). They’re likely to be feeling the same things and articulate them similarly to you. Having another sounding board can help take some of the pressure off your relationship.

Let yourself be jealous of a pregnant friend

If you have a friend who’s pregnant (and maybe wasn’t even trying!), it’s almost impossible not to be jealous. So give yourself permission to be. And then give your friendship a little check—how close are you two? How comfortable will you be telling her that you’re trying to get pregnant? If you are, go for it. That might give her the knowledge she needs to be compassionate toward you about how much she’s going to share about details like doctor’s visits, sonograms and crib shopping. If you don’t tell her at all, then expect conversation points that might make you uncomfortable and decide in advance how you’ll respond to them (so you don’t blurt out something you might regret later).

And remember—don’t torture yourself. “Don’t go to a baby shower that’s going to make you cry,” says Twenge. “Send a gift and simply say, ‘Sorry, I can’t make it.’ No one has to know why if you don’t want them to.”

Remind yourself that there is a next step

One of the hardest parts of TTC is knowing that if it doesn’t work in the short run, there’s the long-run possibility of an infertility diagnosis. And that’s super-scary. But you can make it through by thinking positively. “Tell yourself there’s always a next step—trying the next month, using a fertility monitor, seeing a doctor,” says Twenge. “Sometimes the next step is frightening, but every step brings you closer to your goal. You will get through this.”

Please note: The Bump and the materials and information it contains are not intended to, and do not constitute, medical or other health advice or diagnosis and should not be used as such. You should always consult with a qualified physician or health professional about your specific circumstances.

save article
ADVERTISEMENT

Next on Your Reading List

woman sitting at home thinking while holding a coffee mug
Am I Ready for a Baby? 8 Questions to Ask Yourself
By Yelena Moroz Alpert
Reanna Murray and partner with baby
Overcoming Barriers and Bias on Our Path to Parenthood
By Reanna Murray
celebrity Tiffany Haddish at an event
Tiffany Haddish Reveals Heartbreaking Reason She’s Afraid to Become a Mom
By Nehal Aggarwal
ADVERTISEMENT
back of woman with blue hair solemnly walking outside
All That Stress May Be Hurting Your Chance of Getting Pregnant, Study Finds
By Stephanie Grassullo
Talking About TTC
Talking About TTC
By Elena Donovan Mauer
What You Should (and Shouldn’t!) Say to Women Who Are Struggling To Conceive
What You Should (and Shouldn’t!) Say to Women Who Are Struggling To Conceive
By Andrea Wolloff
When Trying to Conceive Feels Like a Battle You Just Can’t Win
When Trying to Conceive Feels Like a Battle You Just Can’t Win
By Jayme M
ADVERTISEMENT
Bumpie Tip of the Week: How I Got Through the Two-Week Wait
Bumpie Tip of the Week: How I Got Through the Two-Week Wait
By The Bump Editors
Q&A: Frustrated With Trying to Have a Baby?
Q&A: Frustrated With Trying to Have a Baby?
By Paula Kashtan
Relieve Baby Making Stress With Summertime Fun
Relieve Baby Making Stress With Summertime Fun
By Anisa Arsenault
ADVERTISEMENT
5 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Tried Getting Pregnant
5 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Tried Getting Pregnant
By Shannon Guyton
How Can I Relate to My Friends With Babies?
How Can I Relate to My Friends With Babies?
By Linda Burke-Galloway, MD, author of The Smart Mother’s Guide to a Better Pregnancy
Things Women Wish They Knew Before Trying to Conceive
Things Women Wish They Knew Before Trying to Conceive
By Elena Donovan Mauer
ADVERTISEMENT
happy couple hiking closely together
Getting Through the Two-Week Wait While Trying To Conceive
By Andrea Wolloff
couple smiling in bed together
Is There a Best Sex Position to Get Pregnant? Here Are 8 to Try
Medically Reviewed by Kendra Segura, MD
happy couple embracing in bed
Baby-Making Sex: the 10 Most Frequently Asked Questions, Answered
Medically Reviewed by Kendra Segura, MD
African American couple embracing outside.
8 Ways to Keep the Sex Hot While You're Trying to Conceive
Fact Checked by G. O’Hara
ADVERTISEMENT
pizza pie with someone taking a slice
PSA to Men Who Are TTC: Put Down the Junk Food
By Stephanie Grassullo
https://www.instagram.com/annalucydecinque/
The 'World's Most Identical Twins' Want to Get Pregnant and Have Kids With the Same Man
By Stephanie Grassullo
couple gazes into each other's eyes with body of water in the background
How One Couple Trying to Conceive Finds Hope After Miscarriage
By Stephanie Grassullo
ADVERTISEMENT
Article removed.
Article removed.
Name added. View Your List