How Showering Together Saved Our Sex Life After Baby

As parents, finding the time and energy to enjoy sex can seem daunting. Find out how this couple discovered the secret to boosting their sex life and marriage.
save article
profile picture of Lauren Washer
Published April 10, 2019
happy couple showers together in the bathroom
Image: Gary John Norman

My husband and I were regularly having sex—we had four kids in five years to prove it—but true intimacy between us was lacking. It took a two-week NICU stay for our fourth child, the stress of trying to be in two places at once for the duration of her illness, and feeling exhausted from meeting the needs of our other three children for us to realize something needed to change. We needed time for physical and emotional connection.

Our haphazard solution? Showering together. It was an easy way to connect on our busy schedules, and it turned out to be fun too.

We didn’t realize it at the time, but this simple act is actually a scientifically validated way to increase sexual satisfaction. How? Showering together gave us the alone time and the vulnerability we needed to have true emotional connection and honest conversations.

According to the relationship counseling sessions on Lasting, a research-based app committed to helping your marriage last, “the secret to a satisfying sex life has nothing to do with romantic feelings, technique or even frequency. Research has found that good sex is related to two main factors: maintaining a strong emotional connection and having conversations about your sexual preferences with your partner. Simply put, staying connected and learning about one another are all that matter." In fact, data from Lasting, which is backed by The Bump parent company, shows only 9 percent of couples who say they can’t talk comfortably about sex report sexual and relational satisfaction.

Which rings true—our own marriage needed help in both areas, as intimidating as it was to actually talk about sex, we discovered that talking in the shower—a place where we were free of interruptions—resulted in significant improvements in the overall health of our marriage. The shower become our sacred place to give each other our full attention.

Related Video

Having an open dialogue about sex requires vulnerability, but this kind of raw honesty will deepen your intimacy. These are the three things I learned from our deeply vulnerable shower conversations:

1. Reveal Personal Expectations

I realized I didn’t even know what my expectations were about intimacy until we started talking about it. I knew when something felt ‘off’ or when I felt disappointed, but I couldn’t articulate why. As we asked questions and listened without being defensive, we discovered the areas where our expectations weren’t being met.

The result: Mutual understanding. We no longer assume what’s expected or feel selfish in expressing unmet expectations. We feel free to continue asking questions and evaluate each other’s ability to succeed in this area.

2. Reveal Personal Fears

When you talk about sex, your fears are exposed. I struggled with the fear that my husband wouldn’t delight in my body. He feared selfishness for wanting more sexual intimacy when he knew how exhausted I was. But as we continued to press into conversations about sex, love drove away our fears.

The result: Mutual security. A committed spouse will hold your fears gently and carefully. By pushing through the discomfort of voicing your fears, you’ll experience a deeper connection, and ultimately better sex. As Lasting emphasizes, “The quality of sex in your marriage stems from your ability to talk about sex openly and honestly.”

3. Reveal Personal Desires

As much as I thought I knew what my husband wanted or needed, it wasn’t until we started asking pointed questions—away from the heat of the moment—that we learned our true desires.

The result: Mutual satisfaction. We’re better equipped to delight in one another when we know what that should look like. Lasting sessions underscore that “if you keep responding to one another’s emotional calls and updating your knowledge of one another’s sexual preferences, it is very possible to sustain a satisfying sex life for a lifetime.” My husband and I decided to make meeting each other’s sexual desires a lifelong pursuit.

Our shower conversations started five years ago, and we’ve been investing in them ever since. We want a marriage that will last. We want a marriage where we feel secure, understood and satisfied. The good news? My husband and I are experiencing all of this—and more—as we use our shower time to communicate about sex.

Need a little coaching as you communicate about expectations, fears and desires with your spouse? Download a free trial of Lasting, the no. 1 relationship counseling app, and check out the sex series.

Lauren Washer is a Norfolk, Virginia-based military wife and proud mom to now six children!

Published April 2019

save article

Next on Your Reading List

couple embracing in bed
Everything You’ve Ever Wanted to Know About Sex After Birth
Medically Reviewed by Kendra Segura, MD
couple hugging and smiling in bed
8 Ways to Keep the Spark Alive in Your Relationship After Baby
By Kylie McConville
baby monitor on nightstand in parent's bedroom
A Baby Monitor Could Save Your Sex Life, Study Says
By Wyndi Kappes
young parents kissing in bed at home
6 Ways to Keep the Spark Alive in Your Relationship After Baby
By Kylie McConville
couple kissing in their kitchen at home
The 8 Different Types of Sex You'll Have as a Parent
By Shayna Ferm & Tracey Tee
couple drinking beer at home on the couch
The Way to Boost Your Sex Life Has Nothing to Do With the Act of Sex
By Ashlee Neuman
couples are having less sex, couple outdoors hiking
Couples Are Having Less Sex, According to Research
By Stephanie Grassullo
5 Ways to Boost Romance After Baby
5 Ways to Boost Romance After Baby
By Allison Young
affectionate couple cuddling in bed
Having Sex After Baby: the One Crucial Thing I Wish We’d Known
By Carey Somerton
couple laughing and hanging out in bed
Don't Be Afraid to Talk About Postpartum Sex With Your Doctor, Study Says
By Stephanie Grassullo
12 Moms to Be Share the Most Scandalous Places They've Had Babymaking Sex
12 Moms to Be Share the Most Scandalous Places They've Had Babymaking Sex
By The Bump Editors
How Often Do You Have Sex?
How Often Do You Have Sex?
By Sarah Yang
Q&A: No Libido After Giving Birth?
Q&A: No Libido After Giving Birth?
By Dr. Pam Spurr
Bumpie Tip of the Week: Sex After Baby?
Bumpie Tip of the Week: Sex After Baby?
By Jackie DiBella
Study: What Sex After Baby Says About Your Relationship
Study: What Sex After Baby Says About Your Relationship
By Anisa Arsenault
nate burleson and family
Nate Burleson on His Ideal Father’s Day and Parenting Philosophy
By Wyndi Kappes
pregnant woman relaxing at a resort
10 Daycation Ideas for New and Expectant Parents
By Wyndi Kappes
non binary parent holding baby in a field
Beyond Mom and Dad: How to Choose Your Name as a Nonbinary Parent
By Beni Tobin
adrienne bailon and son
Adrienne Bailon-Houghton on Being a New Mom, Her Fashion Line—and Group Chats With Kourtney Kardashian
By Natalie Gontcharova
LGBTQ+ founded brands to support the community
LGBTQ+-Founded Brands That Celebrate Individuality, Equality and Love
By Nehal Aggarwal
Article removed.
Article removed.
Name added. View Your List