The 8 Different Types of Sex You'll Have as a Parent

When you're strapped for time and energy, you have to get creative in the bedroom.
ByShayna Ferm & Tracey Tee
Published
Apr 2017
happy couple laughing and sitting outside
Photo: Getty Images

Meet Shayna Ferm and Tracey Tee, the ladies behind The Bump Pump and Dump Validation Tour. These Denver-based moms are here to remind you that even on your worst parenting day, you’re doing a great job. And whether it’s via song at their parentally-incorrect live comedy shows or via blog post on The Bump, they’re guaranteed to make you laugh.

Keeping up in the sack is hard when you have babies clawing at you all day and the last thing you can imagine is giving any more of yourself physically. Parental lovin’ falls into one of the following categories. Lube up, y’all. This is where it’s at these days:

Sex, Interrupted

Wow—this is good! Like, I’m relaxed for once. Ooh—haven’t done that in a while. Keep going! Did you just kiss me on the mouth? YES! YES! YES! KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK MOMMY DADDY KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK WHY IS THE DOOR LOCKED?!

IOU Sex

It’s been a while—so long you don’t remember. And lately, he’s just been super awesome. Emptying the dishwasher, taking the kids to school, taking the kids to Costco…without you. He’s been rubbing your feet during Making a Murderer, and you went out twice this month just with the girls. It’s time.

Tube Time, Lube Time

You have 22 minutes while they watch Sofia the First. You close the baby gate, get upstairs, get “downstairs” and then go back downstairs. They didn’t even know you were gone.

Date Night

The kids spend the night at Grammy’s house and the two of you have a whole evening to go out. You wine and dine. You go out for after dinner drinks because even though you don’t need another drink or want another drink you can have another drink! You flirt in the Uber on the way home and you show him the one pair of underwear you own that is not Hanes. He even lights a candle in the bedroom while you are rinsing off your makeup. And then you both fall asleep because it’s 10 p.m.

“Thanks For the Girls’ Night Out”

Oral.

Shower Sex

This one only works if your kids are young enough not to question why you and daddy would take a shower together, but are old enough to accept that you’ll be away for 15 minutes.

One-of-us-lost-5-pounds Sex

Somehow, in the mayhem of parenthood, one of you found time to get to the gym (only one of you, of course, because the other picked up the slack). And by simply spending a week on the treadmill and not eating carbs, you’ve lost a little bloat. Time to show it off in the bedroom.

Last Day of Vacation Sex

You have been on a romantic getaway for the whole three days someone else could help with the kids and it has set in that you are headed home tomorrow. You have already done it at least twice a day—because you felt you should—but now, even though you totally don’t feel like it, you do it again for one last hurrah before you return to reality and don’t have sex again for another six weeks.

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