Erin and Abe Lichy on Partying as Parents and Reconnecting Postpartum

What if the secret to good parenting wasn’t more structure—but more fun? For Erin and Abe Lichy, keeping things festive is the key to staying sane as parents. “The kids get to have fun all the time—why don’t we?,” Erin says. Whether it’s a golf weekend with friends, catching a Dead & Co. show in Vegas or slipping away for a dirty martini with the girls, the couple has learned that nurturing their relationship (and, yes, having fun!) is essential to parenting four kids—and not just surviving but thriving.

Married for over a decade and together for 15 years, the couple that first shot to fame on the reboot of Real Housewives of New York City, is dedicated to keeping their relationship front and center in everything they do. They welcomed their first child when Erin was 27 and their most recent at 37—and in between they’ve experienced it all, from newborn chaos to cocktail-hour playdates. Now, with careers, carpool lines and their new Come Together podcast in the mix, their philosophy is simple: parenting shouldn’t mean losing yourself or your social life.

Chatting from her car post-meeting mid-pumping session, Erin offers an unfiltered glimpse into real postpartum life. Meanwhile, Abe jokes that their podcast is one of the only times they actually get to talk uninterrupted these days. Together, the Lichys open up about how they’re making it all work with humor, radical honesty and maybe a Shirley Temple or two.

The Bump: On Come Together you talk about the importance of reconnecting as partners, not just parents. After 15 years together, four kids, a reality show and multiple businesses, how do you make space for each other and keep the relationship strong?

Erin Lichy: I think that we keep our relationship alive by doing little trips or date nights or just little things that we both enjoy that keep us connected. I mean, we just went to Vegas for Dead and Co.—just getting on the flight together, having quiet, having a conversation, going to dinner. It’s the little things that we take for granted when we don’t have kids. Just going to get a meal and speaking—we can barely have a conversation without being interrupted. It’s literally at that level where we cannot communicate.

We don’t even know what goes on in our week because we don’t get to talk to each other unless we, like, schedule a call. So I think it’s really great to be able to do those little things. And I always tell people who ask, “How do you keep your relationship alive?” Just plan a staycation, just a night in a hotel—anything. When you have kids, you’re just so sidetracked with them every time you’re all together, in my opinion. So I think that’s been helpful. And we love live music. So going to see live music has been a good one for us too.

Abe Lichy: I think it’s a lot different with your first one or two kids. There’s a lot of stress when you’re a new parent, and it’s very natural for the couple to take it out on each other. I mean, we’re still guilty of that from time to time, but we’ve been really good about communicating this—but, also, in practice, just [seeing] the humor in it all.

Now when our kids are going batshit crazy, we just look at each other and we just start cracking up because we’re like, “What is going on?” And instead of getting tense, we remind each other we’re on the same team. They’re the problem, haha. We just have to remind ourselves we don’t need to be tense with each other. We’re both going through it individually with our own respective stresses with the kids. So I think humor is a huge part of that—and recognizing the humor in all of it, and then the beauty in the chaos.

I mean, we joke—but it’s not a joke—we started a freaking podcast just so we can actually talk to each other. It’s the only time that we get uninterrupted in-person time talking these days, unless we’re traveling.

TB: It sounds like you’re both really intentional about carving out time for each other. Do you try to schedule that time weekly? And how do you make sure it doesn’t fall to the wayside?

AL: We try. I don’t know if we’d say we’re able to do it on a recurring weekly basis, but we absolutely try. I think the intentionality is absolutely there. Just the idea of putting yourself as a couple first, before the kids. That’s something that Erin and I have been very intentional about. In the beginning, we weren’t as conscious of this idea, but it’s really important that couples put themselves before the kids.

You want the kids to look at your relationship as the role model and see, ‘okay, Mom and Dad are strong together’—and everything else flows from that. Whereas if you put your kids first all the time, they kind of dictate the terms. There becomes a lack of structure, and I think it blurs the lines between the dynamics of the family unit. So I think it’s very important that couples put themselves as the priority before the kids.

EL: I think we’ve definitely faltered, but I think we’ve always kind of just known that it was important to put our relationship first. I think that’s just how we are.

TB: One of the hardest times to stay connected as a couple can be during the postpartum period. Erin, how did Abe show up for you in that season?

EL: Abe does a good job of this. It’s funny, because seeing how he is now with our fourth, he’s definitely different. I guess we’re more established business people, and he’s not doing the things he was doing with the other kids. But I’ll say one thing—I’ll talk to girlfriends sometimes, and they’ll say things like, “You’re lucky because Abe helped you.” You can kind of tell that he was just a very involved and hands-on guy with a baby. And it makes such a difference, because when you’re postpartum and your hormones are raging, it’s really hard—and it’s really easy to feel alone.

So if you’re with a guy who’s like, “I don’t change diapers, I don’t touch babies,” then it’s really easy to feel like, ‘okay, so I’m basically just doing this by myself.’ It’s kind of a lonely place. So I’d say to the guys—get involved. It’s maybe a little uncomfortable, but you can help. And I think it makes a very big difference and goes a long way, because your [partner] is going to be in it, like we all are after we have a baby.

It’s confusing. Your body’s trying to get back to normal. You’re producing milk, as I am currently. You’re like a human machine, and it’s hard. So I think the best way to reconnect is to meet your partner where they are and just be there for them. Help and support.

TB: Abe, what’s your advice for other partners trying to be supportive in those early, overwhelming months?

AL: Beyond just direct help with the baby—help your \partner]. Bring her the pump bottle. Little things like that. Because it’s one thing to carry the baby and give birth, but after that, there’s a lot of stuff—if you’re breastfeeding, with the pumping and all these other things. Just be supportive of that.

A lot of the time, I don’t have to anticipate Erin’s needs—because she’ll direct me, which is helpful. And I don’t mean that sarcastically. I think it’s helpful if you can say, “Here’s what I need.” But part of that is also asking: “Hey, what can I do?”

Sometimes I think women don’t want to deal with explaining things to their \partners], so they say, “No, I got it.” But I’d encourage women to just be direct about what they need. And there’s a level of anticipation—this is our fourth kid, so we’ve been through it before. If you see that she needs a fresh pump bottle after she’s pumped and fallen asleep, have the fresh pump bottle there ready… Have a glass of water by the bed. Have the diaper bag ready. Little things like that go a long way.

TB: Erin, you’ve been open about not letting motherhood define you. With four kids, a thriving career and now a new cookbook coming out, how have you stayed grounded in your identity?

EL: I don’t think I ever took on the identity of “mom.” I’m certainly a mom—that’s a part of who I am—but I don’t think I ever thought, “Okay, I’m a mom now, everything else goes out the door.” Maybe that’s not true for everyone, but I think it comes with being a city kid and growing up surrounded by working mothers. Everywhere I looked, there was another high-powered woman who was also a mom. And I think that’s what’s grounded me in my career and in my life as both a mom and a businesswoman.

I just feel like being a mom doesn’t mean other things need to end—or that your personality needs to change… I just think if you allow yourself to get sucked into that world, it’s very easy to say, “Okay, this is my identity now.”

TB: You’ve both been vocal about making fun a priority—even with four kids. How has going to concerts, hosting parties and staying social actually helped you become better parents?

AL: It just keeps you young… When I was growing up—I’m 42 now—when I looked at a 42-year-old, it seemed so old. But now, I feel young. I feel like a young man. And I think a large part of that is because we go out and have fun. We work, and we’re not out all the time—we’re pretty low-key most of the time. I wake up and go to the gym at 6 a.m. almost every day. But those moments of fun are what keep us young, keep us vibrant, and I think just keep your life force strong and intact—to then channel through to everything else.

If you’re constantly only doing kid stuff and only identifying as a parent, you get burned out. I don’t know how people do it. You need to have that release.

EL: It’s really true. The other thing is—we’re just very social people, and we have really great friendships. As you get older, you really have to nurture those friendships, otherwise they just kind of go away. So going out and having fun is a great way to nurture friendships and keep them going—whether it’s dinner with your girlfriends, talking over cocktails or throwing a party and inviting people you haven’t seen in a long time.

I think fun is essential. I feel like sometimes you see parents with their kids, and—and I hate to say it—but they don’t even look like they’re having fun. And sometimes it’s not fun. Sometimes your kids just drive you crazy. But we really try to have fun with our kids too.

Sometimes we’ll set up a vacation with another family we love, so we’re having fun while the kids are having fun with each other. That way, we still get to do the “parent” things, but we do them in a way that brings us joy, too. I think that’s a great point Abe made—it’s such a key to staying youthful. Even just doing fun things with your kids—go down that slide, just do it. It’s fun!

TB: Speaking of fun, you recently went out for your first fine dining experience as a family of six. How did that go? Was it total chaos? And what advice do you have for parents who feel intimidated just taking their kids out to a meal, let alone somewhere fancy?

AL: There’s definitely chaos. When you have the baby who you have to attend to, it’s at best one parent with the three other kids—and they smell weakness and they’ll exploit it.

But my advice would be—so what? If they’re a little chaotic, they’re kids! Just accept that part of it. Get over the discomfort of caring so much about what other people in the restaurant think. Just enjoy the chaos.

They were actually pretty well-behaved most of the time, so that was good. And bribery works too—desserts, things like that. Shirley Temples. I’m not averse to bribery. They’re really good and my kids love them. I hadn’t had one since I was a kid. I took a sip and was like, “These have got to make a comeback.”

TB: What does your ideal Father’s Day look like? What’s the best Father’s Day gift you’ve received?

AL: Sleeping until 9:30… maybe 10, uninterrupted. Hanging out with the kids, getting brunch, an hour or two to myself to go get a massage and just some alone time. Then hanging out with the kids and Erin—doing something low-key. I’m not into fancy, formal brunches or anything like that. Just a local diner or restaurant. Something easy and chill. I’ve gotten gifts, but I’m not big on material things. I don’t wear jewelry. I don’t really need stuff. The best gifts are always the nice cards from the kids and Erin—meaningful, handwritten cards. Those are actually the best.

TB: What’s one piece of advice you’d give to new dads who are just starting out on their journey?

AL: You’re going to mess up. You’re going to screw up. And that’s normal. It’s okay. Just don’t let that stop you from trying to be an active father. I think it’s really important to have strong father figures.

Be proactive. Be involved, even in little ways. Don’t be scared of this tiny little baby—you’re not going to break the baby. Just do the best you can… We’re all figuring it out and faking it as we go. Even now, I still feel like I’m figuring it out. That’s normal.

My dad passed shortly after Levi was born, but thinking about the energy of how he raised us is always in my mind. Beyond that, it was mostly trial and error. I don’t really read blogs or follow parenting influencers. I just trust my instincts. That’s the key.

We’re humans—we’ve been doing this for millennia. You’re not the first father to exist. You’re the first you, but every parent is figuring it out for the first time. And don’t be afraid to ask your friends. I think a lot of guys hesitate to ask other guys for parenting advice, but they shouldn’t. If you’ve got friends with kids, just say, “Hey, I’m having this issue—what do you do?” Ask for advice. It’s not a bad thing. And of course, you can always listen to Come Together. We’ve got plenty of great parenting advice coming on the show.