What to Do When Your Sibling’s Parenting Style Differs From Your Own

My brother and I have a wonderful relationship, but the holidays highlight how differently our households operate. His kids are mellow and go-with-the-flow, while mine are high-energy and ready to tear through the house within seconds. It goes without saying that we also have different parenting styles.

Experts say these contrasts are normal and that big family events can put a spotlight on these differences. “Holidays can hit us hard,” says Lisa Chen, LMFT, a psychotherapist and parenting and relationship expert in Los Angeles. “General exhaustion, implied expectations and family history can add to holiday stress. We tend to regress to our childhood roles when multiple generations gather.” Your brother becomes “the golden child,” your sister slips into the “peacemaker” role, and suddenly minor disagreements about bedtime or snacks feel strangely personal.

“Old family dynamics resurface,” adds Rachel Astarte, LMFT, a holistic psychotherapist and author. “As spiritual teacher Ram Dass said, ‘If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your family.’” According to Valentina Zuric, LMFT, a psychotherapist in New York City, these conflicts aren’t really about screens or sweets. “They reflect adults’ desire for their parenting choices to be respected, especially in spaces charged with family history,” she says.

The key is learning to navigate these clashes with less stress and more grace. Here, we share a few real-world scenarios and expert-approved strategies and scripts you can use this holiday season and beyond.

Scenario 1: Your Approaches to Discipline Are Very Different

Maybe your sister-in-law’s motto is “kids will figure it out,” while you rely on clear boundaries and follow-through. Or maybe she’s the stickler and you think she’s way too harsh and rules-based.

Solution

Start by grounding yourself in common goals. “Look for shared intentions, not identical approaches,” says Chen. “Parents generally want the same things, and by focusing on the shared objective, you can soften the argument and negotiate the ‘how’ with less defensiveness.” Shared goals might include: safe kids, calm evenings, fewer meltdowns—keep these in mind. Instead of critiquing someone else’s approach, stay focused on your own.

If your family member is disciplining your child in a way you disagree with, you can say something like, “Thanks for jumping in, but I’ve got it from here.” Calmly step in without shaming anyone.

Later, if needed, have a private conversation in which you validate intent before sharing what helps you. “I’ve found it’s best to course-correct in the moment without calling anyone out directly,” says Scott U., a dad of two from New York. “Using a gentle, low-key approach lets me maintain my comfort while still steering things back on track—without creating tension or making anyone feel confronted.”

Scenario 2: One of You Has Strict Bedtimes—and the Other Doesn’t

Perhaps your brother’s kids don’t have strict bedtimes—especially on holidays—but yours turn into merry monsters when they stay up late. Their household may be up into the wee hours watching movies, but your overtired kid is melting down. Or maybe your sister is a sleep schedule stickler and you’re more loosey-goosey, and it’s driving you up the wall.

“My sister-in-law—who doesn’t have children—has, without being asked for advice, told me that I’m ruining my toddler’s sleep schedule (and, therefore, health) because he was up at 9 p.m. on Christmas Eve and then slept in on Christmas morning,” says Veronica B., a mom of one in Virginia. “I have since set boundaries with her around giving me parenting advice.”

Solution

Astarte reminds us that there’s no one-size-fits-all: “European kids often stay up until midnight or later with little to no negative behavioral repercussions,” she points out. Because they’re typically put to bed earlier, American kids often melt down in the evening. The trick is to maintain your routine (or lack thereof) without judgment.

“My children’s naps have always been a point of contention with my extended family,” says Francesca M., a mom of three from New York. “Two of my children have special needs, and I’d rather them not skip naps in the interest of my kids not spoiling the visit with meltdowns.”

If you’re the bedtime enforcer, you can say: “We’re going to tuck ours in early, but we’ll come back after they’re down.” Pack your sound machine and other comfort items if you’re all staying under one roof. Expect mild pushback and don’t over-explain.

On the other hand, if you wish your sibling would relax a little more around their kids’ bedtimes for the sake of not interrupting family fun, remember to respect their wishes. They likely have a very good reason for sticking to their routine. But, of course, if they give you side-eye for your kid being up late, feel free to set boundaries.

Scenario 3: Your “Sugar Styles” Don’t Match

Your sibling lets their kids have unlimited sugar, but you’re trying to avoid inevitable candy-cane crashes with your kiddos. Maybe your child is spiraling from a third cookie while theirs is going strong. Or maybe you want your kid to be relaxed around holiday treats, so you don’t set boundaries—but your sib judges your decision.

Solution

If you’d like to limit sweets, set expectations with your child ahead of time—like “one treat before dinner, one after”—and bring alternative snack options. Keep yourself from policing other parents’ choices.

“We tend to be a bit stricter when it comes to eating well and not giving our kids a lot of junk, and the holidays tend to be a time in which a lot of that stuff is around,” says Natalie V., a mom of three from Maryland. “We talk with our kids beforehand about what our rules are, despite what other families’ rules might be. We allow them to indulge, but have to draw the line in the sand with other relatives and grandparents when it becomes too much.”

If you’re feeling judged around sweets, feel free to remind your relatives that you’re not judging their decisions to restrict treats. But wherever you stand, take a flexible but firm approach. “Remember, you don’t need to win in every category,” says Chen. “It’s about defining and prioritizing what your child needs most.”

Scenario 4: Your Kids Aren’t on the Same Page Sharing-Wise

Maybe your sibling is requiring all the kids to share toys, but your toddler is developmentally in the “mine!” stage. Or maybe you wish their kids would share a little more with yours.

Solution

No matter which side you’re on, advocate gently and factually. Real parents also emphasize sticking to your boundaries. “One tip I have is to make your rules clear ahead of time and stand strong with them. If you fold, they’ll keep pushing limits,” says Laura D., a mom of three from Maryland.

If your kid is still learning to share, you can say something like: “She’s still practicing sharing. What works is offering a trade or turn-taking.” If an adult pressures your child to share, redirect calmly rather than correcting in the moment. You can use Astarte’s boundary mantra: “My boundaries benefit both of us.”

Scenario 5: Your Sibling Uses Cry It Out and Watching It Makes You Want to Cry (or Vice Versa)

Few disagreements run hotter than the debate over sleep training! You might be uncomfortable with hearing other people’s kids cry—or maybe you need a break and cry it out is the only way to go.

Solution

This is the time to prioritize your own emotional regulation. If you’re feeling activated, excuse yourself from the room. Remember: Witnessing is not endorsing. Zuric says that disagreements can actually become opportunities: “Handled thoughtfully, even small disagreements can strengthen rather than strain family relationships.”

Scenario 6: You Have Different Views on Gender Roles

Maybe your parenting is more gender neutral, but your sibling is all, “Boys will be boys.” Or maybe one of your family members has made a comment on your child’s appearance that makes you feel uncomfortable.

Solution

Use simple, value-based reframes in the moment, like: “We’re teaching our child that all feelings are okay.” Respect your kiddo’s autonomy, even when relatives have different expectations. “We don’t force goodbye hugs and kisses. If our son wants to give you one, that’s fine, but it’s his decision,” says Victoria F., a mom of two in Maryland.

If comments feel harmful or repetitive, Astarte recommends a private conversation. You can say something like, “I know you care about the kids. Here’s how we choose to approach this topic.” Keep it compassionate, but firm.

Scenario 7: One of You Is More Lax About Screen Time

Perhaps your sibling lets their kids watch TV all day, but you’re trying to limit screen time. Or you’re letting your kid have some YouTube, while your sibling is a strict no-shows parent. (And, of course, their kid is peering over your kid’s shoulder, fascinated.)

Solution

If you’d like to limit screen time, establish your boundary before the visit using Chen’s three-step formula:

1. Validate the intention: You can say something like, “We love how relaxed the holidays are here.”
2. State your boundary: “We’re sticking to our screen-time limits.”
3. Reassure how it helps: “It helps us prevent meltdowns later.”

If it’s your child having screen time—and you’re totally fine with it—consider relocating them so everyone can do their activities in peace.

Scenario 8: You Have Different Approaches to Structure

Say, your kids are the type to need structure, but your in-laws’ holiday plans are nonexistent—and a bit chaotic. Or maybe, you’re the go-with-the-flow type, but your sibling’s family needs the structure.

Solution

If you prefer a set schedule, plan ahead. Zuric notes that holidays bring overstimulation, “which lowers patience and heightens sensitivity to perceived judgment.” Ask for schedules in advance (if at all possible), create micro-break options and offer your kid an “opt-out” option.

Many parents find that keeping things simple helps everyone enjoy the holiday without being overwhelmed. “I try to keep it simple. Our own traditions, quick visits, less visits, less stimulation. I always do what’s best for my children and their unique needs,” says Rossana F., a mom of two from New York.

If you don’t typically crave structure, Astarte recommends normalizing everyone’s needs before the gathering: “Ask what each family member might need before they need it,” she says.

More Tips for Setting Boundaries While Embracing Flexibility

Here’s what experts recommend when it comes to sticking to your parenting decisions, while respecting those of your siblings, relatives and loved ones.

Use “our family” language

This keeps things neutral and avoids putting anyone in the wrong. “Use ‘I’ statements to avoid defensiveness,” says Zuric.

Decide your nonnegotiables

Stick to essentials: safety, sleep and emotional regulation, says Chen. Everything else? Bend where you can.

Have a pre-visit conversation

“I fully endorse short, pre-game conversations to prepare for holiday gatherings,” says Chen. This will help establish boundaries and expectations.

Model flexibility

Kids learn that structure and adaptability can co-exist. “Explaining why some rules remain firm helps kids understand boundaries,” says Zuric.

Use regulation tools

Chen recommends the “body reset”: Relax your jaw, drop your shoulders, breathe deeply. Astarte suggests: “Feel your feet. Breathe. Don’t speak until you feel grounded.” Tag-team with your partner for two-minute timeouts.

To Sum It Up

Parenting differences within families are normal and often inevitable. What matters most is how you navigate them. “Differences aren’t personal—they’re just different approaches,” says Zuric.

It’s also okay to let some routines or preferences bend for the sake of harmony. “Be open about your most important needs and be flexible on the rest—coming together with any group requires compromise from everyone,” says Natalie V.

Family gatherings don’t require identical parenting styles to feel peaceful. With clear boundaries, a little adaptability and a whole lot of grace, you can focus on what really matters: connection, memory-making and—maybe, just maybe— enjoying the holidays more than you dread them.

Please note: The Bump and the materials and information it contains are not intended to, and do not constitute, medical or other health advice or diagnosis and should not be used as such. You should always consult with a qualified physician or health professional about your specific circumstances.