A Totally Legitimate Guide to Decoding Your Baby's Cries

March 2, 2017
Meet Sara Given, a first-time mom whoâs found her place in the online parenting world by poking fun at it. Her blog âItâs Like They Know Usâ rounds up all those ridiculously idyllic parenting stock photos you hate so much and adds the snarky captions they deserve. Check out her new book, Parenting is Easy! (Youâre Probably Just Doing it Wrong).
Newborns cryâŠa lot! While it may all seem like noise, your baby is actually communicating complex and specific information with you.
A cry that starts slowly and builds in intensity
âI can only see three inches in front of me, but I am already deeply disappointed by this nursery dĂ©cor. Did you even think about accent pieces? Whatâs with all of the decals? Am I supposed to be into owls now? Are giant predatory birds really the best choice for a nursery?â
Forced and whiny; has a pattern of short repetitions.
âI hate sleeping. Sleep is my mortal enemy. I will not cease in my protests until sleep becomes a distant memory for this home and all who inhabit it. Good luck with your performance review at work tomorrow.â
Piercing and grating
âThat lady in your online mommy forum was right. You need to do the opposite of everything youâre doing now.â
Low and repetitive
âCan we please watch something other than House Hunters? If I have to hear one more doe-eyed twenty-something say, âWe were really hoping for granite countertops,â I will lose my mind.â
Breathy and intermittent
âI have pooped again! I know it doesnât seem humanly possible for such a tiny body to produce this much waste, but I am truly exceptional! Now it is seeping up my backside and is well on its way to my shoulder blades. Spoiler alert: Itâs neon orange!"
Short and abrupt. Turns suddenly into inconsolable screaming
âWild card! There really isnât anything wrong. I just like watching you frantically search on the Internet.â
Desperate and unrelenting; usually high-pitched
âIâm hungry and I need to nurse for at least six hours. Please find a way to detach your breasts from your body and leave them in my mouth in full time.â
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