I’m a Single Mom by Choice—Here’s What to Know About Living the SMC Life

I think it was during the transition stage of labor that I really started to question how the “normies” do baby-making. Sitting on the toilet while vomiting into a trash bin held by not one but two delivery-room nurses, I said to my doula, who was holding my hair: “I can’t believe people invite their partners to this?!”

Having three people squeezed into this “private” hospital bathroom while I puked up my induction-approved clear broth was quite enough for me, thank you very much. I didn’t need to share this magical moment with a romantic plus-one. Which was lucky for me—because I didn’t have one.

I had my daughter on my own as a single mother by choice (or SMC, as we say in the biz). And four years later, I’m so deep into this life that I forget other parents do have partners. (Like, you have a whole second human adult living in your house, with two arms and a salary, and it’s still hard?!)

But I know that it is. Because so much of the joy and struggle of early motherhood is the same no matter how many additional people are involved. I remember telling my own dad, when I was in the thick of it with painful nursing, cluster feeding and the witching hour, that I could have a whole host of husbands and none of them individually or collectively would be able to keep up.

On the other hand, they could have done the dishes. Or made us dinner. Or been a warm body in the room through that first cold COVID newborn winter—which I swear was 50 percent longer than in a regular calendar year.

And that’s the thing: “Single mother by choice” has always felt like a huge misnomer to me. Because this lifestyle is nobody’s first choice. (Well, very few of us anyway.) The vast majority of us did want that second warm human—to fall in love and share a family together. It just didn’t happen. So solo parenting becomes the next-best-choice—one that more women (and even a few men) are making these days.

Why More Single People Are Having Children

Numbers in the US are hard to come by, but in the UK, for example, the number of single women who received fertility treatment with donor sperm rose 62 percent between 2019 and 2022 (and, of course, that doesn’t include single people who created their families through adoption or other means). Call it a COVID side effect: It sure sounds like a lot of biological clocks started alarming in lockdown, when potential new spouses were suddenly even more scarce.

“We’re seeing more individuals choose single parenthood by design, not default,” confirms Cynthia M. Murdock, MD, a reproductive endocrinologist at Illume Fertility in Connecticut. “Many don’t want to delay parenthood until they find a partner. Social acceptance of single parents has grown, and advances in treatment (like safer single embryo transfer, expanded donor conception options and genetic screening) have made this path more accessible.”

Rewards and Challenges of Being a Single Parent by Choice

It’s a journey with some distinct challenges, for sure, but also some unique benefits—and they’re often two sides of the same coin. A pro/con list for solo parenthood might look something like:

• Con: All the parenting decisions are up to you.
• Pro: All the parenting decisions are up to you.

“I don’t have to contend with someone else’s parenting style,” says Emily M., an SMC in Bridgewater, New Jersey. “I get to set the tone in our house on how I want to raise my kid, and that alone is so much better than having to intertwine or compromise on it.”

It actually makes the everyday minutia of parenting a lot easier, says Elizabeth C., a solo mom of twins in Philadelphia. “I often see couples looking at each other to negotiate the smallest things—by the time they’ve decided who holds the kid and who holds the stroller, we’re already at our destination. Knowing that you get to call the shots saves a lot of time.”

On the flip side, being in charge of every choice big and small without another invested party to weigh in can add to the mental load. “The hardest part is the lack of emotional support—the comfort of knowing that there’s at least one person in this world besides you who’d do anything for your child to make them better,” says Emily. “There are moments where you just want to cry with someone who is feeling the same emotions you are. There may be people who love your child so, so much, but the love of a parent is different.”

• Con: You’re responsible for everything.
• Pro: You’re responsible for everything.

It’s a lot of work. But the division of labor is extremely clear. “I’ve found my favorite benefit of being an SMC is that life is peaceful,” says Tiffany P., an SMC in Tacoma, Washington. “I can focus on myself and my child, and don’t have to worry about another adult’s needs. There’s no arguing over who should do dishes or take out the trash or bathe baby. I know that everything is my responsibility, so I plan accordingly. I have no expectations of anyone else, and I do everything my own way and on my time. I hear that a lot of partnered women end up feeling like a single parent anyway. I’m grateful that I don’t have to carry that resentment.”

Maura D., a solo mom in St. Paul, Minnesota, agrees that it’s a double-edged sword. “The hardest part is the relentlessness of it. There’s not a moment of the day where I’m not either providing my son’s care or organizing someone else to take care of him. I knew I wouldn’t be tag-teaming with a partner, but I didn’t realize how intense it would feel to be solely responsible for him,” she says.

Also, from a financial standpoint, it’s rough out there for everyone right now. “Being solo, you are it—there’s no second person to help with paying the bills if for some reason you can’t. It makes it a lot scarier,” admits Emily.

Plus, there’s a single-parent tax on all non-essential activities. “Everything that I want to do for self-care (doctor’s appointments, dentist, haircut) costs more because I need childcare to do it, or I’m paying someone to do the task for me,” says Melissa T., an SMC in Shrewsbury, Massachusetts. For me, that was lawn-mowing: I’m an able-bodied adult, but I had to pay a neighbor kid to keep the place from looking like an abandoned property because I never did figure out a safe way to baby-wear around lawnmower blades.

But challenges aside, none of us were making the tough decision between having a baby with our soulmates or having a baby solo. (Um, soulmate please?!) In many cases, a serious relationship had ended—or not started in the first place—and fertile years were running out. The choice was to have a baby solo or not at all.

“Many women who become single mothers by choice have to give up the traditional image of what it means to be a family, like falling in love, getting married and having children. So that’s a process of grieving an imagined future that you won’t have,” says Leann Diederich, PhD, a psychologist in private practice in Pennsylvania who provides psycho-educational consultations for solo parents using donor sperm, eggs and embryos (often required by fertility clinics before treatment). “But because their path to parenthood required significant effort and planning, for many this also brings a greater level of gratitude for the child and appreciation for the daily joys of parenting.”

As overwhelming as single parenting can be, I don’t regret it for a second. I’m not sure I’m one of the “daily joys of parenting” people, to be honest; day-to-day life is immeasurably harder than it was before I became a mom. But the nagging sorrow of those “before times”—that underlying, omnipresent mourning for the family I didn’t have—is gone.

Every day, I marvel at how perfect my daughter is. By all accounts she may be the cutest, kindest, cleverest toddler on the planet. (Just reporting facts here!)

Tips for Single Parents by Choice—and Those Considering This Life

So how do we do this?

If you’re contemplating building your family partner-free, or you’ve recently joined the “choice parents” community (congrats!), here are a few insights on overcoming some of the biggest challenges on this journey.

First, know that the kids are alright

If you’re worried that having children on your own is selfish or they’ll be worse off for having “just you” as a parent, don’t be. In an ideal world, every parent (coupled or not) is having kids because they want kids. “We know from research in families who used donor sperm that there are no differences in parenting quality, parent-child interaction or children’s behavioral or emotional problems between those born to a single mother by choice versus a heterosexual couple,” says Diederich.

Start the process now

Many single mothers by choice say they wish they’d taken the leap sooner, especially those using fertility treatments to build their families. “Undergoing egg or embryo preservation sooner rather than later can make a big difference in future outcomes,” says Murdock. “I encourage patients to start with a full fertility workup and to think realistically about timelines and costs.” That fertility bloodwork will help inform whether you have any time to spare before moving forward with baby-making, so be sure to see a reproductive endocrinologist for the most accurate interpretation of your results, rather than your regular OB who may not have the same expertise.

Pro tip: Insurance sometimes only covers fertility procedures for those with diagnosed infertility, typically based on the inability to conceive through heterosexual intercourse after a year of trying. So if that was part of your pre-SMC experience, be sure to mention it to your doctor as part of your medical history.

Make friends with benefits

So many solo parents report that their biggest stressor is money. “I make a good living and felt comfortable making this decision, but…the financial pressure is constant. Especially with daycare being more than my rent,” says Amanda A., an SMC in Buffalo, New York. But with the shift to a household of two (or more) and a single middle-class income, many solo parents qualify for benefits they might not even be aware of: Almost every US state offers some form of a childcare subsidy, often named the Child Care Assistance Program (or something similar), that can potentially provide a huge discount off the cost of daycare.

Get comfortable reaching out

You’re probably pretty independent if you’re pursuing the SMC life. Well, surprise: You now need help with literally everything. The experts all say to “build your village,” but it’s more of an ongoing practice in putting yourself out there. Post about starting a stroller walking group and meet your best mom friend. Pop out to meet the lady unloading a moving van across the street—now her teenage daughter is your snow-day babysitter. “Single parents by choice are often very intentional in creating their support networks, whether that’s family living nearby, close friends or a strong neighborhood group. That intentionality can create more rewarding connections,” says Diederich.

Speaking of rewarding connections…

Think you’ll have a smaller family as an SMC? Not necessarily: “Single mothers by choice who connect with other families who used the same donor can find that they have a much bigger family than they imagined when they started on this path,” says Diederich. We embrace this as a bonus. Even though I can’t have a second child, I’m able to give my daughter a dozen half brothers and sisters, who we meet up with every other year. In SMC life, your donor sibling families are like your in-laws: You may not see eye-to-eye on everything, but you better stay close since these people are now your family forever. (You can look for siblings on various sperm and egg bank Facebook groups or through the Donor Sibling Registry.)

Celebrate your child’s origin story

The opportunity to know donor siblings is just one of many reasons why it’s important to tell your child the story of how they came to be, long before they even have the ability to ask about it, says Diederich. “We recommend sharing ‘early and often’ about being donor-conceived, using age-appropriate language. I want the child to have always known, even before they understand what it means. It’s not just a one-time disclosure, but something that should be woven into their family story, evolving as part of their ongoing conversations and the child’s identity over time.” People have a right to know where they came from. And with you as a parent, they’ll know they came from so much love.

Please note: The Bump and the materials and information it contains are not intended to, and do not constitute, medical or other health advice or diagnosis and should not be used as such. You should always consult with a qualified physician or health professional about your specific circumstances.