One and Done: The Many Reasons I Chose to “Only” Have One Child

For most of my 20s and 30s, the question of whether to have kids ran through my mind with no obvious answer. My partner and I got together when I was 28, so it wasn’t a matter of whether I’d meet someone (and I knew I didn’t want to have a kid solo). It was about whether or not I, and then we, wanted children at all—for all the usual reasons. We enjoyed peaceful weekends, freedom, traveling and making last-minute plans. We never really “decided,” but we eventually left things up to chance. Wouldn’t you know it, within a few months I was pregnant at age 38.

On the plus side (besides the obvious): No more choices to make! But there was a twist I hadn’t seen coming. I’d been so unsure about having a kid at all, that it had never even occurred to me to wonder whether I might want a second baby. And yet, soon after my daughter—who’s now 5—was born, I heard the question again (and again), from curious family members and strangers alike.

Because I was already an older mom the first time around, if we’d wanted to try for a second, there was a limited window to make that choice. Here I was again in an endless decision loop. So, I started collecting information, informally interviewing anyone who would tell me about the advantages and disadvantages of being “one and done” versus having two kids (more than that was solidly off the table). It was this casual research—and a host of other reasons—that eventually led me to decide that the one-kid path was right for my family. Read on to learn how I arrived there.

Key Takeaways

• Curious about the “one and done” meaning? The term refers to decisively sticking to having one child, whether it’s for emotional, physical or financial reasons.
• More families are deciding to be one and done due to the high costs of having a child, having children later in life and other reasons.
• Experts say that those with siblings tend to do just as well as those without them, so if being one and done is right for you, it’s important to work on letting go of the societal or family pressure to have more kids.

Why I Chose to Be “One and Done”

One sentiment that struck a chord with me came from a childless-by-choice friend who said that she still hung out with her friends with only one kid, but the ones with two or more, she barely saw. Another came while I was hanging out with my two old bandmates one afternoon, each with their two young kids in tow, and one of them shared that when you’re “one and done,” your life feels like it’s still yours and you’re making room for a kid in it, but with two, your world revolves solely around them. When I flat-out asked my friends if I should have a second, they spoke-yelled in unison, “No!” The scales were starting to tip.

There were also things happening in my own life that were piling up. For one, I’d had a difficult childbirth experience. What started out as a planned C-section since my daughter had been breech, quickly and unexpectedly took a turn for the worse in recovery when I started profusely hemorrhaging. I needed round-the-clock blood transfusions for days, and no one could really tell me why that had happened—and later, whether it would happen if I tried to have another child. After such a close call, I was hesitant to roll the dice and see how things might pan out a second time.

Pregnancy was particularly rough on me too, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to repeat it. The mood swings, the third-trimester pelvic pain, the way my body changed in ways I still don’t understand (and honestly haven’t gotten over) years later: Did I really want to dive in again? I also had the feeling that because I had gotten out of this unscathed once, it might behoove us to quit while we were ahead. I had gotten pregnant easily the first time and been so carefree in my approach to the whole thing, and I didn’t want to risk getting my hopes up and possibly being disappointed (or something much worse) the second time around.

I had logistical concerns too. Having moved from New York City to the Catskills just before having my daughter, finding reliable childcare had been tough, as was finding enough time in the day to parent our one child and both work full-time (even once we had childcare). Money was a big factor too. We could afford one kid, but stretching our resources to include a second felt harder to swing. I wasn’t sure how we’d be able to manage an additional school tuition, more camp, clothes, meals, birthday parties and more.

Why More Families Are Choosing a “One and Done” Path

Kellie Wicklund, LPC, PMH-C, a psychotherapist and the owner and clinical director of the Maternal Wellness Center in Hatboro, Pennsylvania, says she’s seeing more and more families in her practice choosing to have one child for financial reasons as well. “The cost of childcare is huge,” Wicklund says. “Most people are paying more than their mortgage for childcare.” Unsurprisingly, this isn’t limited to Wicklund’s practice. A recent analysis by online marketplace LendingTree shows that the annual cost of raising a small child in the US has increased by almost 36 percent in the last two years, bringing it to an average of just over $29,000.

Another reason Wicklund observes more families deciding to be one and done is that many women are delaying their reproductive years to have careers and get ahead in them. This was the case for Josie S., mom of one in Gloucester, Massachusetts, who tried, with her partner, to have a kid for over five years after earning her PhD. “Finally, after my last failed round of IVF, she came,” she says. “And she’s perfect.” Josie adds, “I often think about what it would have been like to have another kid, someone to keep my daughter company, someone to always have her back, someone to be there for her when we’re gone. But then, I [think of] the trauma of infertility… and I remember that one is better than none.”

The fears Josie expressed were among mine too. I also wanted my daughter to have someone to play with growing up and to be close to for their entire lives. I’m an only child who’d always wanted a sibling, so of course I wanted to give her what I didn’t get to have myself. Plus, once my kiddo got a little older, I could tell she’d make a great big sister—and as her two best friends got little siblings, my daughter began to long for one too. On the other hand, as much as I try to fight it, I’m a monotasker, and I just knew that on top of our already busy lives, two would overwhelm me. “It’s really difficult to go into something where you know… you don’t have enough to give,” Wicklund says. “That’s so maternal… and it’s really tragic that women get accused of being selfish for that.”

It also seemed like each of these fears could pretty easily be debunked. If I worried that my child would be lonely or bossy or bad at sharing, well, I’m an only child and I’m (mostly!) fine. I also adored the close relationship I’d had with my parents, the little tight unit we’d always been. And research suggests that people without siblings do equally well as those with them. Wicklund points out, too, that having siblings is not a guarantee of future support or companionship. “Plenty of siblings have great relationships, but plenty of them don’t,” she says. “A chosen family can be just as supportive.”

How I Respond to Judgment of Being a “One and Done” Family

I may forever be a little bit haunted by the time my friend Bonnie said at dinner ages ago that “if you have any kids at all, you have to have two.” But eventually, my partner and I made peace with our decision and meant it. Things might have been different had we started earlier or had more time or money, but we’d never know so it didn’t really matter.

Did our coming to terms with our choice stop people from asking whether we “only had one,” or when we were “going to have a second”? Of course not. Have those questions sometimes made me feel judged? Absolutely. But Wicklund reminds parents of only kids that often “onlookers want their own life choices confirmed… In other words, folks think you should do what they did—it makes them feel better.” When she works with clients, she suggests calling these people out. Because offhand comments, even when they’re seemingly harmless, can trigger a whole host of emotions, Wicklund rehearses comebacks with her clients. She wants them to feel empowered instead of shamed.

Most of the time I don’t let these kinds of careless comments bother me—I feel sturdy in my choice—but it took a while to get there. Certain moments have helped, like when I met another mom of one at a party and she told me about the moment she realized she could just choose not to have any more kids, and she’d never have to change another diaper—and how liberating that felt! That really clicked with me.

Glimmers like this one gave me permission to feel like being one and done didn’t have to be a decision I made that I might one day regret—or that it was a compromise, or selfish or second best. Rather, it could be a choice my partner and I made that would enable our whole family to give and get from one another the love and care we needed not to just be okay, but to thrive.

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