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7 Things No Mom Should Feel Guilty About Ever

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By Shayna Ferm & Tracey Tee, Co-founders of the comedy act "The Pump and Dump Show"
Updated September 29, 2015
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Meet Shayna Ferm and Tracey Tee, the ladies behind  The Bump Pump and Dump Validation Tour. These Denver-based moms are here to remind you that even on your worst parenting day, you’re doing a great job. And whether it’s via song at their parentally-incorrect live comedy shows or via blog post on The Bump, they’re guaranteed to make you laugh.

“Mom Guilt” is a growing epidemic that plagues all of us Breeders. Whether we’re beating ourselves up, feeling judged by other moms or making it all up in our heads, we feel guilty. We feel like failures if dinner isn’t organic; we feel badly we didn’t have time to work out; we left the house for a hour without a child in our arms so obviously we are TERRIBLE MOTHERS.

At The Pump and Dump show, we love finding new ways to ease this relentless guilt and celebrate the savvy mom who finds helpful shortcuts. Take it easy on yourself, moms. We’re all just doing the best we can. Here are some of our favorite things you SHOULD NOT feel guilty about:

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HAVING YOUR GROCERIES DELIVERED!!!

How many times have you had a panic attack late in the afternoon when you’ve realized you haven’t even thought about dinner and there is literally nothing in your house to eat? How many times have you dragged yourself to the grocery store, sick or tired or with a kid who is also sick or tired? Why? The internet has done wonderful things for society and one of the best inventions are grocery delivery services like Instacart! You shop for everything you need from an app and they bring it to you. Seriously – even with a minimal delivery fee and a tip the time you save is worth every penny and there is something so dang gratifying about having everything bagged and brought to your front door. You don’t even have to haul groceries from your car! Yes, we know a lot of us love going grocery shopping solo because it means some precious alone time, but if you can’t get it done, just freaking let someone else do it for you. Order all the heavy stuff you hate to carry and make it even easier on yourself! Gallons of milk! Laundry detergent! If it’s for sale at your grocery store (even Whole Foods, y’all!) they will bring it. Someone else can do the shopping for you! Keep repeating this phrase until it sinks in then never look back sister, never look back.

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DO NOT FEEL GUILTY THAT YOU DIDN’T DO PARTY FAVORS!!!

Listen. The birthday party scene is getting a little out of control, and we want to send a plea to parents worldwide to chillax with one annoying element that no one no one enjoys: favor bags for birthday party guests. You guys! You just spent hours and hours and likely a decent amount of this month’s paycheck throwing a party for your darling son or daughter. Why do you need to spend more hard-earned money on bags of crap for everyone? We promise you; if there aren’t any goody bags at the end of a party the kids will not care. And if some kid _does_care (or a parent for that matter), they’re an a**hole.

Ask yourself: Do you enjoy having cheap plastic whistles blown at top volume in the car as you drive home? Do you really love having bubbles spilled in your car or on their beds? All that plastic jewelry – how much as been swallowed, how much has been vacuumed and how much disappeared within .765 seconds of arriving home? And be honest: Aren’t you just a little bit concerned about what exactly is in a glow stick?

Don’t you feel relieved already just thinking about not having to think about party favors? Exactly. #nomoregoodybags

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR FEEDING YOUR CHILD DINNER AT COSTCO!!!

You: You need to go to Costco because supplies are low at the casa.

Them: They are hungry. They are always hungry and it’s lunch/dinner time but you really need to go to Costco.

Costco: As you read this, pleasant, generous people at Costco are loading up sample carts filled with tamales, cheese dips, fruit pies, orange chicken and hot buttered toast. They are waiting for you to eat it all and come back for seconds. They are counting on it. They love giving it to your kids too. They are waiting.

You: Take the family to Costco and make your shopping into a progressive meal. Your kids will be thrilled. And fed. And you’ll check two things off your list of to-dos. Done and done.

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT AUTO-SHIP CLOTHING!!!

If you hate going to the mall like we do, but also appreciate having new clothes that are aren’t all from Target, then sign yourself up for a personalized clothes shopping service like StitchFix and do not for a second feel guilty about it.

Typically, the clothes are moderately priced, and a friendly stylist looks at your list of what you do and don’t like, subsequently sending you a box of clothes and accessories to try on in the privacy of your own home. Everything comes wrapped up with a friendly note from your stylist. It even includes pictures with ideas on how to style the clothes. Holla. You keep what you love, you send back what you don’t, and everyone can suck it because you just got a cute new top you never knew existed in the world and you didn’t even have to take off your pajamas.

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT GYM CHILDCARE!!!

If you’re feeling unsure about utilizing drop-off child care at your local gym, maybe it’s because you don’t feel like working out. We hear you there. But consider this. Does your gym have a hot tub, sauna or steam room? Do they just have a couch in a corner? Here’s a secret: You don’t have to actually work out! You can pay a minimal fee and have an hour or so to yourself! Soak your tired bones, sweat out the stress then take a really long shower in a place where you know the hot water won’t run out. See what we just did there? We just hacked the gym. Trust us, the 60 minutes you take for yourself will fuel the next 187 hours when everyone is up your butt from dawn to dusk. Do it.

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY TURNING TV ON FOR YOUR KID(S) WHILE YOU F&%!!!*

Here’s an easy way to get some Parental Lovin’. Give the kids a snack. Turn the TV on. Go to your room. Lock the baby gate and/or door. Kid’s shows are typically 22 minutes, and let’s face it – that’s plenty of time. Trust us, they’ll never know you’re gone.

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT A NIGHT OUT!

Come to our Parentally Incorrect comedy show and let us shower you with laughs, commiseration and appreciation. We still have quite a few shows left all across the US this year, and we think you deserve a night out for once!

Please note: The Bump and the materials and information it contains are not intended to, and do not constitute, medical or other health advice or diagnosis and should not be used as such. You should always consult with a qualified physician or health professional about your specific circumstances.

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