Are you tired of answering the same old questions about your pregnancy from strangers in the grocery store? Spice things up and entertain yourself in the process by throwing in a few answers that are guaranteed to end any conversation immediately.
Are you hoping for a boy/girl?
- “Actually, we were hoping for a wombat. Have you ever seen one?! They’re super cute and you don’t have to pay to send them to college. Oh, I’m sorry! I guess I didn’t really answer your question. Either gender of wombat would be fine.”
- “Oh…um…we were just hoping for a human baby this time. I mean, (whispering) after what happened with the last incubation cycle.”
- “We want to be surprised! We aren’t going to find out the gender until middle school.”
Do you have a name in mind?
- Answer that you are naming the baby Sisqo. Follow up by giving a brief history of Sisqo’s sudden 1999 rise to fame with the hit R&B single, “The Thong Song.” Explain that this name means a lot to you, since your great, great grandmother made a living after immigrating from Poland in the 1800’s by selling her famous handmade thongs out of a street cart.
- Choose any character name from Game of Thrones. Go on to summarize the entire plot of Game of Thrones. Discuss ways in which the series has deviated from the books. Extra points if you act out all of the heinous death scenes while singing the theme song.
- Wild Card! Name the first object you see. Then explain that this is an up-and-coming name with the celebrity set. “Oh yes, it’s so fashionable right now. One of the Kardashians just named her baby ‘Linoleum Grace.’"
Are you staying home/going back to work/working from home/working part-time/working for the weekend? How will this decision directly impact modern feminism/family values/the release of the new Star Wars film?
- “What a good question! What did you do? (wait for answer) WOW! That is EXACTLY what I am going to do! Yup. The EXACT same thing. We are both exactly right and know the best way to raise children. Aren’t you glad you used my family’s personal decisions to reassure yourself of your own family/career choices?”
Wow, you’re huge! Are you having twins/triplets/a horse who is also pregnant with another horse?
- *Punch person directly in face
By Sara Given, a first-time mom who’s found her place in the online parenting world by poking fun at it. Her blog, It’s Like They Know Us, rounds up all those ridiculously idyllic parenting stock photos you hate so much and adds the snarky captions they deserve. Check out her new book, Parenting is Easy! (You’re Probably Just Doing it Wrong) here.